100 Naked Words — Day 13
Falling Short
Reflections, Ripples and Ramblings of a Restless Mind
Every time I write a piece about my past I look at myself differently, other people look at me differently. I understand myself more deeply. I forgive myself more freely.
I had a mini epiphany this morning as I reflected on my stories thus far on Medium. They are, for the most part, inward rather than outward looking, they have been a tool to accept myself, to ask forgiveness for the hurt, to explore those events that I think have defined my life and given me purpose.
But there are two ways in which I fall short.
I can see myself restraining my writing, it conforms to the petit bourgeois in me (mon ami Hastings), yet day to day when speaking, I express myself vulgarly, in the vernacular. My spoken language is riddled with expletives, the fucks, bollocks and bullshits that flow freely, in part a hark back to the booze laden camaraderie that filled the air in the pubs and bars I frequented. Why don’t I write how I speak? Why must I conform? Who, ultimately, am I trying to please?
And then the real travesty. I am forever editing my life. Consigning to the cutting room floor those parts I consider NSFW or that I’m ashamed of or that might cause further hurt, bring up corpses long since buried.
I present myself as a well rounded, reflective commentator of the times. A guy who’s worked it out.
But I’ve fallen short all too often in my life.
I’ve disappointed and I’ve lied, I’ve debauched and abused, I’ve damaged and denied. I’ve walked in shadow and I’ve shunned the light. I’ve been human. And maybe less than human.
I need to say that out loud.
This is not an act of masochism, a cry for attention or a demand for forgiveness. It is catharsis. It is holding a mirror up to me today and knowing the demons are gone.
It is for me to understand that, whilst I have lived in shadow, the dark doesn’t define me, instead it drives me to live my future in the light.
About me: Citizen of the World. I love writing, photography, travelling, reading, learning and growing. Medium is another journey in my life, let’s see what sights we may see.
