The Healing Ahead after Decades with a Narcissist

It’s become obvious to me that I don’t know what I like and don’t like in many life situations.

Sure, there are some clear dislikes and a few must-haves.

My nuanced life preferences, though? I don’t know what they are.

In many cases, I had preferences previously. Needing to conform to what my wife liked and didn’t like (and then sometimes would like again) to keep the peace in our life caused me, though, to abandon loads of personal preferences. In other cases, I never developed preferences because of lack of exposure to many situations where you form diverse preferences.

In four decades of being together, I’ve sacrificed a lot. I’m a big boy, though. I made all those decisions to sacrifice. I didn’t always want to make decisions to sacrifice my preferences, but they seemed like the right things to do.

Long ago, I adopted the attitude that that I couldn’t love anything more than my willingness to immediately walk away from it because of my wife.

Funny. Until today, I have never put the phrase, “because of my wife,” into that statement. It’s exactly why and how I arrived at that boundary though: because of my wife.

Because of my wife leaving.

My wife leaving because she was sick, agitated, frantic, over-the-top, storming off, throwing up, in a white-hot rage, coughing, tired, bored, impatient, screaming at me, screaming at someone else, destructive, wandering off, making threats, misinterpreting reality.

Is that list long enough? There may be more, but I think you get the point.

I don’t know what I like in diverse foods, evenings with couples and friends, big events, personal travel, sex, unusual and quirky places, antiques, perfumes, movies, concerts, shared worship practices, playing music, participating in sports, shopping, gift giving, being spontaneous, deep and serious conversations, mornings spent together in bed, living with abandon (even if it’s only a few hours), hanging out in large crowds, gaming, being bold, taking chances on things that might work out or not.

Is that list long enough? I know there are more, but I think you get the idea.

As I heal, at this point in my life, it feels like I’m resetting the clock to a mysterious point decades earlier.

A point where I’m free to heal and discover what I like through fun, success, failure, and learning. I can’t wait.

I. CANNOT. WAIT.

If you are in a similar situation, I’m publishing content along my journey to healing as I make progress. Subscribe to get an email as I share new articles.