Home Isn’t a Place or a Person; It’s a State of Being
“I feel at home with you.”
“I am at home here.”
You may have said or heard these phrases. And I used to think that feeling of ‘home’ was deeply tied to that person or place. And if that person or place left or changed, I would lose my home, and that feeling.
What Does It Mean to Feel ‘At Home’?
Feeling “at home” refers to a sense of comfort, belonging, and familiarity in a particular place, environment, or situation. It’s more than just being physically present; it involves a deep emotional connection and a feeling of being in a space where you can truly be yourself, relax, and find solace. This feeling can extend beyond the physical location and can also relate to relationships, experiences, and even within oneself.
You can cuddle with your partner and feel a sense of ‘being home.’ You can visit Hawaii in December and feel like you are ‘at home’ there. It means something different for everyone.
In essence, feeling at home is about finding a place or state of being where you are emotionally fulfilled, accepted, and comfortable. It’s a sense of belonging and contentment that can be derived from various sources, whether physical spaces, relationships, memories, or even within yourself.
Here are a few dimensions of what it means to feel “at home”:
- Physical Space: A physical place where you feel at home is one where you feel safe, relaxed, and at ease. It’s a place where you can unwind, be surrounded by familiar objects, and have a sense of ownership or control.
- Emotional Comfort: Feeling at home is also about emotional comfort. It’s being in an environment where you’re accepted for who you are, where you can express your thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment, and where you’re surrounded by people who care about you.
- Belonging: Feeling at home often involves a sense of belonging to a community, whether it’s a family, a group of friends, or a cultural or social circle. It’s about being part of something larger than yourself and feeling accepted within that context.
- Authenticity: When you feel at home, you can be your true, authentic self. You don’t need to put on a facade or hide your thoughts and emotions. It’s a space where you can be vulnerable without fear of rejection.
- Memories and Experiences: Feeling at home can be tied to positive memories and experiences associated with a particular place or environment. The nostalgia and comfort these memories bring contribute to the feeling of being at home.
- Internal Harmony: Feeling at home can also be an internal state of being. It’s about feeling comfortable and content within yourself, regardless of your physical location or external circumstances.
- Sense of Ownership: Feeling at home often involves a sense of ownership and control over your environment. It’s a space where you can arrange things to your liking and create a space that reflects your personality.
- Cultural and Spiritual Connection: Feeling at home can be related to a connection with your cultural roots or spiritual beliefs. It’s about finding resonance and connection with certain values, traditions, or practices.
How Do I Know I Am ‘At Home’?
For me, this has changed over the years as I learned more about myself. I feel a sense of home is deeply rooted on your understanding of yourself. If you have a shallow understanding and are just starting out learning about yourself, then your sense of home may come from shallow sources. Think of the phrase “an inch deep and a mile wide” for this, in that you may find a sense of home quite easily in a number of places since you may not need much to fulfill you. Early on, I found myself feeling at home in a number of places and for shallow reasons.
As I started to learn much more deeply about myself, and started to shed things that did not serve me, or fit my authenticity, I found it a lot harder to find home. What felt like home before no longer felt like home now. In one case, drinking rum and cokes ‘felt like home’ to me. It was that way for years, and I would attribute this to being a ‘shallow sense of home.’
As I started my healing journey, a rum and coke no longer felt like home. As I dug down into my insides, I found I was looking for more meaningful connections — a deeper sense of home that connected more deeply with me.
I feel you know you are at home when your heart rests.
Be it shallow or deep — as mentioned above — that sense of you being ‘at home’ is when:
- You feel your heart fully and completely rest.
- Your heart may beat slower.
- You may even feel a little cold as your circulation slows.
- Your mind quiets down.
- You may feel sleepy — something that has been said to happen when you are around a person that your body and mind trust.
- You may feel less anxious.
- You may feel less desire to consume, to learn, to grow, to expand as your mind and body want to just sit in it and enjoy it.
At First, It May Feel Wrong
For someone like me that has always been go-go-go for decades, the feelings above had me freaking out. I felt unproductive, I felt unhealthy, I felt like something was wrong. The feeling of home may be a very weird place for some, and take some time to get used to.
Like when you date someone that is really good for you, and you are in a healthy relationship, it can be really unnerving for those that have not had that before. It can feel boring, unproductive, not exciting, and even scary.
In some cultures, societies and upbringings, we are told to be productive, always move forward, never rest, and on and on. That sense of being at home is very likely — for many — the exact opposite of that. Now, not to say that you working on sewing a jacket can’t bring about a sense of ‘home’, but for many, that feeling of true home has us powering down and resting.
Back to Our Roots
The sense of feeling “at home” is a complex emotional experience that arises from a combination of psychological, emotional, social, and sensory factors. It’s deeply rooted in our need for security, connection, and a sense of belonging.
Where have we felt this before? When we were infants! Right? I see it this way:
- It’s the time when we were able to fully and completely rest.
- For many of us, we had that sense of security in being held, or bundled up tightly. (Oh, the baby burritos!)
- That sense of being home is us getting back to those first feelings of feeling safe, emotionally supported, closely connected to other humans, and learning that belonging.
What If I Cannot Find Home?
I’m no psychologist, but if you feel you are in tune with your feelings — you have self-awareness — and you have a hard time finding that sense of ‘home’, you may want to look into reparenting exercises. Again, I feel a sense of ‘being at home’ in a situation is a returning to your original sense of home in some way. I’ve even seen classes where they wrap you up like you were an infant and redo that experience to evoke that repressed feeling.
My home today is not what was home to me years ago. Not even close. In fact, I feel that years ago I couldn’t find the situation I call home today because I didn’t know it even existed. What?
- I have a healthy relationship today that years ago I didn’t even know was possible.
- I am able to self-regulate my emotions today in ways I had no idea how years ago.
- I’m able to have fun without alcohol today.
- I now see places like Hawaii, Malta, my neighborhood street, and even a couple neighborhood stores in ways I never viewed them before. (Yes, shopping at a certain store for me feels like home—which does feel counter to the consumption bit above.)
What Home for Me Looks like Today
Some things that really have me feeling like I am at home are:
- cuddling up with my girlfriend
- cooking crepes (I’ve been making them since I was eight years old)
- walking with music playing in headphones
- way out at sea, late at night, looking at up the stars, feeling the ship gently rock beneath me
- walking around Oahu, Hawaii
- a warm, salt water pool, at night, alone
- digging holes and making sand castles on the beach with my son
- stacking rocks in a creek
“But, what if you lose one of the above?” That would hurt, but I would take time to process the loss of it, and move on. I may not find a direct replacement, and that’s not even the point of a ‘home’. A sense of home may be ephemeral for most in that it changes as you change. I would want to move forward, open to the idea that I may find a new home in my life, and that to me is the beauty in it all.
I didn’t discover many of the above until late in life. Had I been looking for replacements to the ‘homes’ I had earlier in life, I would be stuck in the past, on repeat, and they would not serve me today.
In Summary
The feeling of being at home emerges from a combination of psychological, emotional, social, and sensory factors. It’s a deeply human experience that speaks to our need for security, belonging, comfort, and connection. Different individuals may find this feeling in various contexts, such as physical spaces, relationships, memories, and even within themselves.
Explore yourself deeply through therapy, meditation, journaling, or a coach. And when you know yourself deeply, you can then start finding those deeper places that feel like home. And, for me, it is there that home really feels amazing, versus the shallow versions I had in the past.
