Reader Question: I’m Bisexual and Desire Other Women…But I Haven’t Yet Told My Husband. Advice?
Happy, trusting marriage and polyamory can absolutely go hand in hand so long as everyone is on the same page.
A wonderful reader question came in over the weekend:
“I admire what you and Lauren have. From what I’ve read, you’ve been accepting of her being bisexual and it’s led to an exciting sex life and what seems to be an amazing marriage. My husband and I have been married 4 years and I’m bisexual and closeted about it but I want to tell him. I want other women and I would be very supportive of him being part of this. Any advice?”
I was able to clarify with her the following:
“Yes, I’ve had sexual and very intimate, loving relationships with other women in the past but not since I met my husband. My desire for women has grown quite intense and I don’t know what to do. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!”
Bisexuality may seem “glamorous” but Lauren lived in the closet about it for years. She was born bisexual and had intimate, sexual relationships with other females, including one liaison in high school and a few through college — all in secret. In those years (late 1980s into the 1990s), she felt confused about and then “ashamed” of her desire for other women.
Reflecting on her childhood, she says her feelings for “other girls” at first confused her because being “different” was something you had to hide. She wondered if she was in fact a lesbian — how else to explain her attraction to other females?— but then she realized in college she was in fact bisexual. No one talked about any of this.
When she came out to me in 1998, while she was in medical school, we’d been together for not even a year and the news rocked my world because Lauren wanted to date other women and have them join us in our bedroom a la polyamory (though we didn’t use that word then). I’m ashamed to admit we broke up — I left her — but we quickly got back together when I realized we were deeply in love with each other and I couldn’t live without her. I needed to accept her for who she is, even if that meant I’d also need to accept that our relationship — eventually our marriage — would be non-monogamous and involve other women.
When I broke up with Lauren, she was devastated — as was I — BUT she decided to let me have some space and time. She hoped I would come back to her, and I did, because I knew I had found the love of my life and we’d somehow find a way.
It’s easy to to overlook but ultimately people who are bisexual are members of a marginalized group, albeit less marginalized than our friends who are gay, lesbian, transgender, etc. Society has norms in place — norms that humans at some point just decided on — and marriage between a man and a woman is such a norm. So it’s hard, in terms of living in society, to be a member of the LGBTQIA+ community even as some progress has been made with marriage equality.
Lauren has come out as bisexual with many family members and friends and that’s made a big difference for her (and us). Her parents and sister, for instance, know Piper, and everyone knows that Lauren and Piper are a couple and Lauren, Piper and I have a polyamorous relationship (some but not all of them know Lauren and I swing as well).
That said, for us, being in a marriage with polyamorous female lovers (nearly 50 since 1998), to say nothing of our swinging lifestyle, means we’re at odds with the norms, and so a big part of our life remains a secret. So I can understand why you are struggling with telling your husband — it’s big news.
Only you know the best way to handle this situation with your husband. As you are desiring other women, it’s not fair to you to have to continue to live in the closet. In your heart, you probably know that you must tell him. You owe it to him and yourself.
Lauren and I can only hope your husband is accepting in general of the LGBTQIA+ community. If he’s not, telling him you are bisexual is made all the more complicated. We’ll assume he is accepting of bisexuality and supportive of non-hetero people. So here are a few things to consider:
- Express to him that this is simply who you are. You know this will be a shock to him but it’s who you are. Give him time to absorb the news.
- Reassure him that this changes nothing in the way of your wanting to be his wife.
- Be real with him that what this does change is your desire to have intimate, sexual relationships with other women. If you are seeking love with other women, tell your husband that. Lauren has loved other women — she’s in love with Piper and vice versa— and it can work. Societal norms say otherwise but fuck ’em.
- Let him know you would enjoy him joining you and your female lovers in bed now and then. Note: Lauren does quite often have 1:1 sex with Piper (without me present) — that’s been a norm with all of the women she’s seen since 1998 — and I am totally OK with that. Lauren is also OK with Piper and me having 1:1 sex and hooking up. But most of the time we have threesome sex, including absolutely insane opportunities for me along with plenty of very kinky ffm fun. I’ve seen my wife lick and eat another woman’s creampie and vice versa — truly amazingly kinky stuff! And, yes, Lauren, Piper and I make love, too — we love each other. If all of that is what you also want, be clear with your husband — he may actually enjoy it. I know I do.
Do you seek a polyamorous lifestyle? If so, engage with your husband on what that means and what it looks like to you. Lauren and I have navigated the lifestyle quite beautifully for 25 years, even as parents, and we will likely never NOT be polyamorous. Happy, trusting marriage and polyamory can absolutely go hand in hand so long as everyone is on the same page. Societal norms don’t like polyamory but so what?
All that said, we are also swingers, which is very different from polyamory. If your desire is to swing, that’s a whole other can of worms.
Good luck!
