Polyamory: What’s It Really Like?
The view of polyamory from a happy “throuple”: Lauren, Piper and me
Polyamory is a hot topic and and it’s apparently on the rise. When Lauren and I (unknowingly) adopted a polyamorous lifestyle 25 years ago, we hadn’t even heard that term. Now, all these years later — and with the experience of many polyamorous relationships under our belts — here we are: virtual poster children for how to make it work.
As Lauren and I just celebrated four wonderful years with our 35-year-old lover and girlfriend, Piper, I thought it would be an opportune time to write about our experience with polyamory.
What the Fuck is Polyamory?
In a nutshell, polyamory is a couple consensually engaging in a romantic and sexual relationship with another person. As PsychCentral puts it:
Polyamory is a form of ethical non-monogamy that involves committed relationships between two or more people — typically romantic relationships.
One of the major benefits of our polyamorous lifestyle with Piper is the incredible threesome sex. It’s wonderful. And Lauren and I also both love to hook up 1:1 with Piper. Lots of benefits.
But, the polyamorous relationship Lauren, Piper and I share, which could be called a “throuple” (a term we’re not fond of), isn’t just sexual. The three of us love each other and enjoy romance. We kiss, hold hands, watch movies together, cook and eat meals together, vacation together, and, yes, have sex together. When Piper stays overnight with us, we sleep in the same bed and bathe together. We profess our love for each other.
Our first “polyamorous” relationship was with Allison and lasted from 1998–2006. Lauren was 24 and I was 25 when we got started as a couple with Allison, though Lauren and Allison had a previous romance. At the time, we didn’t consciously adopt the “polyamorous lifestyle.” Rather, our relationship with Allison was borne out of Lauren’s bisexuality and her desire to be true to her sexual orientation while wanting to be in a loving relationship with me. Lauren’s bisexuality and my acceptance of her need to experience other women ultimately paved the way for our polyamory.
Polyamory Isn’t Easy
Polyamory hasn’t always been easy for us. We’ve had lovers who got jealous, favored one over the other and were manipulative. We’ve had lovers who we drifted apart from, who got married or found someone else, who we simply dumped and who dumped us. Polyamorous lovers like Allison and Piper — generous, caring, sensual and emotionally mature lovers — don’t come along very often.
It’s not easy being in a polyamorous relationship with Lauren and me. That’s because we also swing. The two may sometimes be confused but polyamory isn’t swinging. Swinging primarily entails spouse-swapping, group sex, orgies and, in some cases, hotwifing and hot-husbanding — all of which Lauren and I engage in. Polyamory is a committed relationship. We want and do it all, and we’re lucky that Piper is OK with that.
If we had to give up either polyamory or swinging, we would give up swinging. If Piper told us it was her or our swinger friends, we’d choose Piper.
Hierarchy
There are different kinds of polyamorous relationships involving different numbers of people and connections between those people. We have always engaged in committed “throuples” (there’s that word again).
In our relationship with Piper, as with all previous polyamorous relationships we’ve been in, she is our secondary lover. Lauren and I are primary lovers and our love for each other comes first — some of that because Lauren and I have a child together. Our love for Piper is very important but it comes second and Piper is aware of that.
In our “throuple,” Piper and Lauren both regard me as dominant both relationally and sexually. Even as Lauren is a highly successful surgeon and Piper has achieved success in the arts, they both think of me as dominant. Which is to say they desire to be sexually and relationally submissive to me, but even that can get complicated.
The dominant/submissive sexual dynamics between Lauren and Piper can change but typically Piper is the dom and Lauren is the sub. When we’re having sex, that means I’m the ultimate dom, Piper is submissive to me and Lauren is submissive to Piper. But sometimes Lauren and Piper are both equally submissive to me and occasionally Lauren has a sexually aggressive side depending on her mood.
- When Piper and Lauren have 1:1 sex, typically Piper is the dominant lover.
- When Piper and I have 1:1 sex, typically I’m in the dominant role but not always.
- When Lauren and I have sex, I’m almost always dominant.
Living Arrangements
Some polyamorous arrangements involve the partners all living together. We don’t do that. Piper has her own place downtown, but she stays overnight with us a few times per month and occasionally Lauren and I visit with her at her apartment.
We have the good fortune of a master bedroom with an exterior door and thus Piper can come and go, meaning our relationship stays out of view of our child.
The Nature of Our Love
Lauren and I both love Piper and she loves us. But our love has limits. When in 1998 Lauren told me she was bisexual and asked me to accept her for who she is, she told me she’d always put our love first. She wanted, as she said, to be a wife to me and the mother of our children — but she also wanted a woman to love.
Lauren and I are in love with each other. We love Piper — but we’re not in love with her. Loving but not being in love with a third partner is a very important boundary in a polyamorous marriage in our view. That said, “love” v. “in love” can be a slippery slope.
Isn’t Polyamory Really Just the Same as an Open Marriage?
No. Sometimes, polyamorous relationships involving a married couple are confused with “open” marriages. They are very different. And swinging and open marriages are very different.
While Lauren and I are active swingers and also polyamorous, we have never had an open marriage — nor do we intend to have one. But, yes, we’ve had some setbacks over the years and have never let them happen again.
An open marriage is essentially when the spouses are free to pursue sexual relationships with others — all on their own. We don’t do that. We enjoy a shared and consensual romantic and sexual relationship with Piper and we swing together. While in swinging situations we sometimes hook up with separate parties, that’s always with consent.
Do We Recommend Polyamory?
Polyamory isn’t for everyone. It takes a unique set of consenting adults to make it work.
Admittedly, Piper makes it easy and is super low-maintenance. We love her dearly. We’re happy with her and she’s happy with us. The sex is amazing and we typically hook up a few times per week. She’s accepting of our swinging and she herself chooses not to participate in that lifestyle but is supportive of it.
We don’t need anything from Piper and she doesn’t need anything from us, allowing the three of us to enjoy a romantic, generous, intimate and incredibly sexually fulfilling and adventurous relationship.
Plus, our relationship allows Lauren and Piper to deeply explore and meet their own needs as bisexual women in committed relationships. They are truly lovers and at times I do wonder if they’re in love.
We think polyamory is potentially appropriate for married couples with a spouse who is bisexual. People who are bisexual need to be able to live their authentic selves and have a marriage that can work.
Final word: It’s a fair question: If the law allowed Lauren, Piper and me to be married, would we do that? Probably not — we’re not into polygamy. We want Piper to have her own life, and we know things may soon end as she prepares to get married and ultimately have children. We’ve talked openly about the future and what it may bring or not bring.
