38 Things I’m Thinking About Now That I’m 38

A few things on my mind as another candle is added to the cake. If you want to see how little I’ve grown and matured over the years, check out similar lists from my 35th, 36th and 37th birthdays.

Getting Older

1. I finished a tube of Costco aluminum foil the other day. I didn’t even know that was possible. I thought you just moved with it a bunch of times and then died.
2. The only time I use cursive is when I’m not really sure how to spell a word — is that thier or their? You’ll never know because I just wrote thj7r.
3. At this point in my life, I no longer need an appetite to eat. I just need an opportunity.
4. While I will always lean towards leftovers and thrift stores, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned that you should never skimp on the following: red wine, face lotion, jeans, seafood, luggage, and lube.
5. The worst part about getting older is that everything is your fault. You can’t blame youth and inexperience; circumstances are rarely out of our control; even bad luck is more of a reflection on you than it is the universe acting on some anti-you plan. You’re 38 and you should know better. You know when you’re watching a horror movie and see someone do something completely moronic, like walk backwards down dark steps for no reason, and you’re thinking “the fuck are you doing?!” That’s what getting older is like, except you are the dumb person walking backwards and the person yelling obscenities at the dumb person at the same time.
6. At 38, my hair style is “close enough” — as in when I look in the mirror I think: oh fuck it, that’s close enough.
7. I think therefore I am; I’m awake therefore I am pitting out.
8. I don’t care who you are or how pure your intentions, there’s just no way for a slightly drunk 38-year old man to walk a 14-year old female babysitter home without being a little creepy. If you’re sitting there thinking, “I do that and I’m not creepy” then you’re the fucking creepiest.
9. Sometimes it’s fun to have a big bowl of mac and cheese with a gigantic glass of red wine if only because that’s what I thought adulthood would be like when I was seven.
10. Getting older has its downsides for sure, but here’s one gigantic silver lining: there’s a hot chick and good bourbon in my house at all times.

Fitness/FitBit/Health/Naked Dudes

1. There are two types of dudes who shower at the gym: guys who try to minimize how many other other guys see their junk and guys who try to maximize how many other guys see their junk.
2. Golf is a great sport if you like paying $145 to go for a walk and scream the F word at trees.
3. I still really enjoy going to the gym, but I’ve definitely transitioned from building to maintenance. At 28, I would read Men’s Fitness for plans like “how to get shredded for summer.” 10 years later, I’m on sites like prevention.com learning how to “strengthen the pelvic floor.”
4. I am so locked into my Fitbit that at any point in the day I can guess my total steps and be within 250 every time. This is the closest I’ll ever get to menstruating.
5. I’m glad FitBit doesn’t track things like: aimlessly wandered around house for 20 minutes, realized phone was in pocket.
6. My favorites dudes at the gym are the chubby buff guys because I like trying to guess whether they’re on their way somewhere or just left.

Politics/Trump/Anger!

1. Of all the criticisms of Trump, the one that makes the least sense to me is when he gets dragged for watching cable news rather than taking intelligence briefings. Think of it this way: let’s say you get plucked off the street and are told that in 90 minutes you have to perform open heart surgery. Would you rather sit through a detailed, confusing, and let’s be honest, boring, lecture from 10 of the best heart surgeons on the planet, or watch a 90-minute montage of George Clooney highlights from ER? And who are you gonna fill the operating room with? The aforementioned heart surgeons, who you just know are gonna be all condescending and doctor-y, or 10 of your good pals who will yell “great job, bro!” even as blood sprays across the room? Everyone would pick George and bros and that’s why Trump watches so much TV.
2. When the media does a full profile on a terrorist — showing their picture, exploring their history, trying to extract their motivations — it’s akin to giving your dog a treat every time he shits on the floor. Bad boy, bad boy, horrible boy, here’s a steak.
3. New rule: every time we attack another country, the media has to show the total cost of the weapons used and how many school lunches could’ve been paid for with the money. How come $ never comes up in the discussions about military force, but it’s literally all we talk about when it comes to education? For example, the media’s unilateral ejaculation over the Syria attack in April was disgusting (Fareed Zakaria’s “Donald Trump just became the President” reaction was especially disappointing in my opinion); showing the total costs would be sobering and add much needed perspective. I’m not arguing against the attack necessarily, but I can’t celebrate it or condemn it out of context. Would you rather send 60 tomahawk missiles at an airfield in Syria or provide free lunches for every elementary school in the country for the next three months? Now, obviously the math isn’t that clean, but it’s the start of the type of conversation we should be having in a representative democracy.
4. Here are three irrefutable statements: The Fourth of July should always be celebrated on the first Friday of July; Halloween should always be on the last Saturday of October; and the Super Bowl should always be on a Saturday. You know what Holidays and Day Light Savings Time have in common? They don’t fucking exist! We created them! And besides, Presidents Day and MLK are locked in for Mondays, not the actual birthdays of the honorees, why can’t we do the same thing with the 4th? Your shitty parade will be just as shitty on a Friday except you can drink more! Halloween is even dumber. Yes, I know that Halloween is on the 31st because that’s the day that Saint Sinep drove the last of the witches out of Bethlehem but I also know that I just made that up and Sinep is just penis spelled backwards. What in the actual fuck October 31? Thanks, I feel a little better. Also, is there any doubt that someone could run for President solely on that and win handedly?
5. All politics and bias aside, here’s a fact: the richest nation in the history of the world is trying to decide if it should guarantee healthcare to its tax-paying citizens. Of course it’s not that simple, and the free market, and an uber complicated regulatory framework, and a host of things obfuscate the issue, but at its core, that’s what we are discussing.
6. Like everyone else who didn’t vote for Trump, I have A LOT of questions about how and why we got here, where we go from here, and what this all means moving forward; but by far and away the #1 question on my mind: were we this big of dicks when Obama was president? Were we as defiant and boorish about Clinton and Monica as they are about Trump and Russia? Were we way bigger dicks than we realized during Yes We Can, and Make America Great Again is our payback? Is this really, really bad or is this just how it works?
7. When Trump is pressed on something and pivots to Hillary Clinton it’s akin to getting in an argument with your wife and bringing up her elementary-school boyfriend as a defense. “Help more with the kids!? What about that guy Taylor you so-called dated in 6th grade? That guy spit in your hair and told everyone you ate a turd once! Do you really think you’d be better off with Turdy Taylor around here!?”

Work

1. There are three types of meetings: the ones where you speak (either you’re presenting or will be required to weigh in at some point); the ones where you listen (key information being presented, so you need to listen and take notes), and the ones where you do email (introduce yourself, go on mute, get other shit done). As you get older, it becomes easier to spot which type of meeting you’re in. With that said:
2. The more chipper someone is when they introduce themselves on a conference call the less likely they’ll be paying attention throughout. With that said:
3. Here’s a handy guide for understanding your status in a meeting: If you’re in charge of printing the printouts, you’re junior. If you did all of the work in creating the printouts, you’re mid-level. If you listen to the juniors and mid-levels present their printout and then make a decision, you’re senior. If you glance once at the printout and then do email, you’re an executive.
4. “There are no wrongs, just learnings.” Oh really? Well, I think you’re a fuck stain. Is that wrong of me to say? Or just a learning?

Technology/Shopping/Travel

1. How I look for airfare: Virgin then Southwest then Alaska then Expedia then oh fuck this.
2. Is there a term for when a product or technology becomes so ubiquitous that it’s essentially useless? Because that’s where we are with Waze and GPS. Everyone has the same information; everyone is trying to take the same shortcut. Being redirected by your GPS is kind of like reading about a hot stock tip online: if it’s online then it’s not a hot tip anymore.
3. $79 for a bottle of cab? You know what? For that wine, in this place, that’s actually not bad. $1.99 for an app? Fuck off and die.
4. You don’t want to miss these sizzling summer fares! The beach is open and the BBQ is calling your name! Beat the heat and get your hot dog buns in a seat for only $39 each way! (In 3 point font at bottom): Only applicable on flights between 4am — 6am on Tuesday and 11pm—1am on Sunday. Customers may use their reward points to redeem offer if they meet all of the following criteria 1) are ambidextrous, 2) own a plantain farm, 3) are leprechauns. All flights take place in the past; customers must build and/or supply own time machine.
5. The two worst parts about my kids incessantly screaming at the Alexa to put on a song: 1) their music choices are horrible, 2) we don’t have an Alexa.
6. I’m whatever the opposite of a savant is at picking security lines at the airport. If you see me at the airport definitely go the other direction because a 400-pound woman is about to have a five-minute argument about not taking her Crocs off. I know you can’t see her, but trust me she’s coming.

Random

1. Show idea: a lawyer who is intricately familiar with the sex laws in every state (some of which are just insane) and travels around the country defending the accused and slowly dismantling arcane policies. The title: The Wank Wonk. Alternative title: Pro Bono.
2. ‘The days are long but the years are short’ is not only one of my favorite descriptions of parenthood but it’s also a good way to describe the feeling of looking in the mirror at 9am and thinking: “Damn it, I look like a dildo today!” Yes, it will be a long dildo day, but it will be a short dildo year because the dildo shirt causing the dildo day is heading to the dildo trash.
3. How much coffee would a too much coffee coffee if a too much coffee coffee coffee’d?
4. Having a bad day? Put Holy Ghost by Borns on your headphones and go for a walk. You are definitely the hero of the movie with that shit on.
5. It’s crazy to think that every person you see is the youngest they’ll ever be in that exact moment; that every car on the road was the newest model at one point; that every language is man-made; that even though there are approximately 900 kajillion things on the planet there are only 118 chemical elements; that every book, movie, and TV show started with someone going, “wait a minute, what if…?”; that breasts outnumber men 2 to 1; and that female kangaroos have three vaginas which puts male kangaroos slightly behind human males for skeeziest pick up lines on the planet.

Thanks for reading. See ya next year.