By Anna Gát — co-founder, Actual
The Walls We Build
While our freedom of speech is recognised internationally as a basic human right, in real life we won’t experience it on a purely theoretical level. On the contrary: the negative consequences we may encounter when honestly expressing our opinions — or the subtle or overt nudges that we should exercise self-censorship — first become apparent in personal situations.
While the media is ablaze with debates over what counts as ‘appropriate’ speech — and whether it’s the speaker who has the right to verbalise certain views or the listener who has the right to not have to listen to them — it seems to be getting harder and harder for normal people to figure out what is OK to say to one another.
But kindness, consideration and honesty are the special ingredients that make our relationships so precious. And a good thing about appreciative, fair communication is that it actually creates a space for you to speak your mind.
On the other hand, if you can’t speak your mind honestly and experience the excitement of exchange and the release you seek at home, at work, in the pub, at school — if you can’t interpret the world openly and discuss and improve your complicated opinions — then both your trust in the people close to you and your self-respect will suffer.
You will have no better choice than to go and get angry at YouTube comments, Twitter enthusiasts and anonymous Redditors… This will do neither the wider world nor your personal relationships any good.
And yet a huge number of the people we asked confessed they can’t be fully honest with *anyone* in their lives! That’s a startling phenomenon if we look at all the communication and broadcasting platforms we’ve been using in the past 10 years.
It’s become clear that unfriending/blocking, not speaking our minds, or resorting to anonymity are not helpful solutions in our private lives. So we decided to do something about it.
Connecting Honestly
At Actual we research successful personal communication, and build tools that use AI to support openness, honesty and happy human relationships.
We’ve noticed that the current breakdown of trust — the reluctance to express views freely and engage with one another — doesn’t start on Reddit or Twitter. Not on television. Not in public discourse...
We seem to be building impenetrable walls between opinions in personal communication first. In our most private exchanges with friends, parents, collaborators and partners… At work, at dinner and, during most of our days, when messaging with each other.
We’re conscious that with better tools and more awareness, we can avoid building out silos in the first place: the bubbles that start “at home” and then appear on the public level too, sealing us off from people who we happen to not fully agree with.
The truth is that even silos that have already been built in personal and public spaces can be opened up. You can start by reconnecting with someone whose views you don’t share. Re-friend. Stay friends. When you and one other person you care about learn how to have more successful and respectful exchanges, you will gain a new self-confidence and openness to listen and understand the other half of the population — their opinions, priorities, worries and hopes for the future. They will finally seem human simply because you know one of them!
Teaching and Learning
We’re all human beings who want the same: purpose, self-respect and meaningful long-term connections. Continuous learning and the feeling that our knowledge is useful. A safe home and progress in our plans.
What counts as officially inappropriate to say may at times confuse you and make you forget all the things we have in common with each other. In families, relationships and work communities…
At Actual we know that we all want good communication, truthful personal dialogues, and that we can create spaces where these can happen respectfully.
Honest personal exchanges in our quick-tempered times, full of fast-changing norms and ideas, are a treasure: while in the public sphere you may choose to just passively observe and guard your reputation, in your intimate one on ones, whether IRL or in messaging, you and your friend/partner/mom can actually negotiate your own personal etiquette!
You can teach the people you love how you like to be spoken to. You can learn how to make talking to you a better experience to them.
At Actual, we believe this is absolutely possible. We all want to open up to each other, and we know that needs to begin somewhere.
So why not show just one person a gesture?
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