The Secrets of Staying in Touch
We live in noisy times.
While 2018 seems full of opportunities to “connect” — surely there’s many ways for you to send stickers or short videos!— when it comes to our deeper conversations, we’re at loss which platforms to choose.
People are emotional creatures drawn to “familial” living, which means a mere handful of our relationships will decide whether we’re happy, even if we know 2,000 people!
Sadly, 24/7 text messaging fails these relationships: we’re always caught by surprise by the ambiguous words of others — we try to be available, but end up being impatient.
We make efforts worried we will misunderstand, hurt or ignore the people we care about. We don’t like to see little bubbles bring pain instead of love to our life’s partner. To break down a friendship over politics or schedules. To upset someone in our family whose generation uses technology differently.
If all this feels familiar, don’t worry — you’re not alone! All of us who are trying to safeguard meaningful relationships in 2018 face this challenge. We want to start adulting in technology.
Many of you shared amazing stories with us during our research for building Ixy — read our findings: 5 easy steps for staying in touch in 2018!
I. Clarity is king
- Ask A super simple thing we do so rarely! And trust us, it helps: if something is unclear, try to ask for a clarification instead of reacting to whatever meaning you imagined. When the clarification has been done, let your chat partner know you appreciate!
- Rephrase yourself What may seem totally obvious to you, may be 100% news to your chat partner. As it was mentioned by many of you as a good way to avoid needless conflict, you basically just repeat the most important thing(s) you want to express — but with different words.
The benefits are immediate:
Luke: i mean it was weird
Cassie: Weird?
Luke: i mean unexpected and a bit off
Cassie: Ah, gotcha
Repetition as a stylistic element is widely used in education, advertising or politics too for getting a message across in a short amount of time...
3. Say what you think was said This is a bit riskier, but if you’re careful, it will lead to success.
We actually do this subconsciously all the time: we “align our lexicon” (i.e. pick up our partner’s vocabulary, expressions) to showcase our cooperation. I like to say “we nod with our words”, and it makes sense if you think how humans evolved by spending vasts amount of time in a cave with 15 people, all of whom used the same words all the time. Good way to bond and overlap opinions, right?
Repeating what you think your chat partner just said with your own words is a proven way to prevent or weed out misunderstandings. Some cultures (e.g. American) do this as part of their daily communication. For the rest of us it remains to be learnt. It is also a popular exercise during couples therapy and mediation: it not only allows your chat partner to see if you understand them, but they can see themselves — for a moment — from an outside perspective too. “This is how what you just wrote can be interpreted…”
That said, it helps not to repeat a much more negative, twisted version of what your partner has said — no one likes to feel the worst is presumed about them!
II. Claim back your time
- Respond when it feels right Mobile apps were designed to get you addicted, but this doesn’t mean you can’t resist the temptation of responding to everything immediately all the time. You know you’ll be more chill in 10 minutes, after you have caught the train you’re currently running after. You will actually know the answer to the question just asked after you’ve looked it up, as opposed to just getting both of you annoyed right now. Breathe…
- Ask for a break or time to read Let’s be honest, some people go a bit George RR Martin on their phones. You’re reading the novel they’ve just typed into WhatsApp wondering 1) when do they think you will have time to read this 2) are they expecting a similar opus in return 3) how disrespectful is this anyway?
And it’s in moments like these when adulting helps: as opposed to ignoring or berating your verbose chat partner, be a big boy/girl and tell them “dude I need 5 mins to read, pls stop typing, will you”. Researchers agree dude will usually stop typing.
3. Allow time to read Let’s not go full judgmental here and admit sometimes it’s us sending A Storm of Swords quantities to the people we otherwise love and respect. (It just feels so good to get it off our chests!) In any case, if you see your chat partner is a bit overwhelmed, it’s a good idea to let them read and type their response. Surely, you will find something to do on the internet in the meantime…
III. “Don’t go to bed angry”
- Prevent arguments It’s way too easy to get into fights while messaging and almost impossible to provide an emotional resolution there. One of the best ways to keep your meaningful relationships happy is by watching out for signs of misunderstanding or impatience, and try to stop them from turning into pain. If you’ve followed our “don’t respond straight away” rule, it’s much easier to allocate the amount of attention needed for this.
- Resolve what can be resolved While emotional clashes are hard to undo in messaging, differing opinions can be negotiated. When you find yourself in such a disagreement, try to resolve it on the spot. Don’t go to bed angry and allow the problem to fester and turn into something more emotional!
- Take it off the internet Let’s face it. Literally. Some conflicts need to be resolved face to face. Schedule a dinner and talk it out. Do a video call if you’re abroad.
Find the time or otherwise you’ll risk losing a person over a few lines of text…
IV. Respect the relationship
- Remember your history People are so worried of being cheated that they instinctively wonder when a friend is “acting out” whether this is their “real face” which has now been revealed. This is an old habit which used to serve an evolutionary purpose — but can cause huge problems today. So the next time when you’re “in the heat of the moment”, just remember the years you’ve known that person, all the good times you’ve had, and how statistically unlikely it is that they’ve lied to you for 20 years only to now reveal they really are The Worst. Trust your guts: if you liked them for such a long time, they’re probably awesome!
- Value the little things When someone responds quickly, says something kind, or is just really patient with you — thank them. We’ve done a lot of research into this and trust us, it’s not normal. Your friend/mom/partner is actually a superhero! Let them know! These gestures will not only come in handy during conflict (if you thank someone for something, you will remember the thing you thanked them for better), but will likely help you prevent some conflicts from happening in the first place.
- Respect yourself You’re 50% of this relationship. By making sure it is running smoothly, you’re doing yourself a huge favour. It’s not a service, it’s not a sacrifice: you’re also doing it for you!
V. Presume the best
We’ll conclude with our favourite one, because it can never be repeated enough:
Presume the best about the other person.
Interpret ambiguous words in the most positive way. Consider your chat partner is frustrated about something else and not you. Give them time to cool off. Reassure them you’ll be there later when life finally allows the two of you to share ideas, feelings and opinions with each other again.
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Ixy is building a stress-free messaging platform for happier relationships.
We use AI to mediate and support more meaningful conversations on your phone.
Sign up to try soon at getixy.com.
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