How to Connect More Deeply with Your Kids (Even if You’ve Given Up)
Have you lost that special spark in your relationship with your beautiful child? Does it seem like all you do is fight? Or worse, do one or both of you not talk to each other?
At night you gaze at your child asleep. They’re as beautiful as ever. Your heart fills with love. You shared fun-filled times doing things you liked together.
But things have changed, at least when your precious one’s awake.
They’re growing up and pulling away from you. No matter what you do, you can’t seem to show your love.
It’s hard to be together without the situation turning sour. Your child’s often disrespectful and angry. Your plans to connect well fizzle. Instead, there’s another outburst or refusal to do something. And it happens wherever you go.
Your child avoids you — refuses to be near you — or even chooses not to live with you.
You talk to others, search for online advice and pray for help to get on better with your beautiful one. But little changes. Do you despair of a deepening gulf between you and the one you love?
Here’s how one second, each time you see your child, can make all the difference.
4 Critical Questions Your Child Needs You to Answer
You can prove your love and meet your child’s deepest needs by ‘answering’ the four questions below*. Think about how you’ll do this the next time you talk and every time after that.
Stop and Focus Every Time You Interact
Answer this unspoken question first:
Do You See Me?
Notice and acknowledge your child each time you see them — from your first greeting until the end of the day. This can be difficult. It’s hard to avoid letting other people or devices, such as mobile phones, distract you.
- Stop.
- Look at your child. You may need to get down to their level.
- Make eye contact.
- Smile with your eyes and face. How does your child react to your dazzling smile?
Shower Your Child With Love — With Words and Actions
Answer a second unspoken question:
Do you care I’m here?
Use a ‘love language’** they respond to best. Some of these you can start now before you see them. Does your child respond best to:
- Positive spoken or written words? Write them a message now.
- You doing something which means a lot to them — such as organising a favourite food. Can you start now?
- Quality time together enjoying a fun activity or going to a special event? Plan a surprise they’d like or organise something together.
- A meaningful gift?
- A kiss, a hug, a pat on the shoulder or some other physical connection? Respect your child’s comfort levels. These may change. If your child doesn’t like physical touch, still seek to connect in an appropriate physical*** way when you greet them or say goodbye. If you haven’t maintained physical contact, it may take some time to find the best way to do this.
Accept Your Child as He is Right Now
Answer a third unspoken question:
Am I enough for you, or do you need me to be better?
- Focus on what your child needs you from you right now.
- Hear each word your child says. Watch and listen for the thoughts and feelings behind their words. Respond to these.
- Let your child know they’re enough for you as they are.
Show Your Child How Special He is to You
Answer this fourth unspoken question:
Can I tell I’m special to you by the way you look at me?
- Think ahead of all the ways your child is special — or was if you don’t feel quite the same now. What do you love about them the most? What have they done to bring a smile to your face, make you proud or leave you feeling peaceful inside?
- Be grateful for what you can now.
- Share with your child how special they are. Thank them for all they add to your life.
- Watch out for other things you can thank them for. Add these to your ‘list’ as often as you can and let them know.
Meet Your Child’s Needs in the Best Way Possible in This Moment
- Respond in a way that’s true to yourself.
- Aim to have more positive than negative interactions. Some say we need nine positive connections to counteract a negative interaction.
- Follow-up with loving actions — otherwise your ‘love’ may seem meaningless.
- Be available when your child wants many more seconds, even hours, of your time. Stay focused on your child’s words and the feelings behind them. Ask questions at the right moments.
Grow Closer Together over Your Lifetime
Picture yourself stopping for a second each time you see your child. Imagine looking at him each time, your heart filled with love. Just like you do at night when he’s asleep and looks so angelic.
Imagine how your child expects to see you looking at him each time you interact. He looks at you, too. Your child drinks in your love as you focus on him, and only him, for that first moment with love in your eyes. Your beautiful one feels accepted, special to you, good enough as he is.
Your relationship gets better and better every day. You look forward to growing closer as you both grow older. You look forward to working through all the changes along the way with love and acceptance. You look forward to finding more and more ways your child is special to you.
*Katherine Schafler credited these four questions to Maya Angelou.
**Gary Chapman’s ‘5 Love Languages’
***Psychologist Virginia Satir’s quote on how many hugs we need a day.
Thank you Jon Morrow, Marsha Stopa and all the Freedom Machine team for your generous support as I prepared this post.
Do you want to live more fully? Read Bible passages while improving your English.
Read more of my writing in Who or What is Missing From Your Life?
11 Practical Tips for Raising Kids Who Make You Proud,
3 Important Steps to Take When a Loved One Gets Confused and Will You Ever Feel Truly Loved?
Contact me for my updated journaling ‘Thank You Guide’.