On Looking Androgynous Throughout My Youth, While Also Being Gender Nonconforming
Gender Binary System notes (part 6 of 7)
(Note: This article was originally published on Sept. 12 2016 as ‘Gender Binary System notes.’ It was written as a loose set of notes on the gender-binary as an exclusive system, and its’ limitations, rather than as a cohesive article or essay. I have broken the article up in 7 parts, with 7 different titles, for your reading convenience.)
ON LOOKING ANDROGYNOUS THROUGHOUT MY YOUTH, WHILE ALSO BEING GENDER NONCONFORMING
In my childhood (in the Netherlands) I never related to the way girls felt and as long as I can remember I felt inwardly male, but was taught that I was female and so should act accordingly, which I couldn’t, creating psychological conflict and isolation.
This is now being understood as fairly standard behavior amongst transgender and gender nonconforming children but other than the negative stereotype of a “man in a dress” the word transgender did not exist in my world. (There were films that gave me clues, like ‘Dog Day Afternoon’ or ‘Last Exit to Brooklyn,’ which focused on trans-women, and which I could not relate to personally, though loving the films themselves, and I only had a clue from an Ernest Hemingway book published posthumously in 1986, ‘The Garden of Eden,’ in which the female character, Catherine Bourne, displayed trans-male behavior, and my suspicion over the years that this character might have been a trans-man basically got confirmed in a book on that particular book, called Hemingway’s ‘The Garden of Eden: Twenty-five Years of Criticism.’ My clues into lesbianism I mainly got through Anais Nin.)
I felt continuously criticized and corrected rather than encouraged and accepted, and not allowed to express my feelings, something I later came to understand as heterosexual and gender-normative people attempting to project a heterosexual orientation and heteronormative gender identity on to me as the exclusive way to be, (“straightening out, and mis-gendering me,”) mostly because not knowing and not understanding and so with a certain fear and judgment.
In my early childhood my soccer playing tomboy ways had not been yet frowned on, since everybody in Holland played soccer in their youth, girls included, but in high school my repressed sexual orientation, and my more noticeable gender atypical appearance and behavior, became a problem to my classmates and teachers, as well as to my parents at home. (The Netherlands does seem less adherent to gender roles than the US though, but as a kid in the 70s and 80s I was not aware of those differences yet.)
I always felt and was disliked, and left on the outside by others, even if I didn’t mind spending time alone. And as a child I often spent my time drawing, in favor of playing with dolls or trucks or others altogether, until discovered writing.
I experienced high school in Leiden in the 1980s as completely isolated and shunned because of being gay and having an atypical gender identity. My only salvation was a first serious crush on a girl I shared classes with for 4 repressed years with but who gave me my reason to write, for just like one of my favorite writers in high school, Allen Ginsberg, I became a writer because I was in love and wanted to express my feelings.
High school was also during the height of the AIDS crisis in the 80s, when the words AIDS and homosexuality were used interchangeably, and from what I can remember hearing you could practically “catch either” from a toilet seat at a public place, according to the various national and international news channels reporting on this newly discovered virus, and in the Netherlands we were warned about using the public restrooms at Amsterdam’s Central Station in particular.
Sex education was generally explained in purely biological terms, and the words mutual consent certainly never part any conversation, and was entirely heterosexual-oriented, and with the sole function of procreation. LGBTQ discrimination was not a word yet in my immediate environment, and bullying awareness wasn’t part of the equation neither. In my senior year in High School in 1989 I got beaten up by three older guys right after I had cut my hair really short.
Even in the considerably liberal Netherlands things were still a long way from “getting better” for LGBTQ youth, as the LGBTQ awareness campaign slogan in the US promised years later.
Like so many LGBTQ people I was destined from an early age on to leave town, “forced out” of there, to head for the big city instead, any big city really, where despite its own dangers one can blend in more easily, given the sheer crowds and diversity of metropolitan living.
This became my subconscious reason for wanting to move to Los Angeles to become a filmmaker. In 1992, at age 19 I moved to the US by myself and studied Film at Los Angeles City College.
When I was growing up the question “Are you a boy or a girl?” used to make me very uncomfortable because I honestly didn’t know how to answer it without endangering myself but now I am at least prepared to deal with that all the time.
Two of the few advantages of not being clearly read as male or female in this misogynist society are that I don’t usually get sexually harassed by guys, I sometimes just get plain hated on instead, and I also don’t generally get shamed by society for enjoying sex, which is something heterosexual women in particular have to constantly deal with. (Of course legally my sexuality has been made “illegal,” through anti same-sex marriage legislation throughout most of my life.) But basically socially my sexuality for the most part has been rendered invisible by heterosexual, heteronormative men, since my whole being for the most part has been rendered invisible. Heterosexual, heteronormative women however do not quite render me invisible and give me attention, and are quite often attracted to me on some level, and sometimes sexually.
(I’ve also gotten a fair amount of requests to be photographed or painted by artistic types throughout my life but then there are quite a few people who use that as pick-up lines as well, so this hasn’t always felt that complementary to me.)
I’m maintaining my original name and pronouns and body to combat any notions that transgenderism necessarily is accompanied by gender dysphoria, which I don’t experience, other than social dysphoria at people’s disapproval of me.
(I use the women’s bathroom, which tends to cause some confusion in others but I am perfectly entitled to as a female-bodied individual of course, and personally don’t subscribe to “packing,” “binding,” or even bras, and luckily for me I don’t need those really.)
So I’ve personally never been at odds with my body, and in fact like my body perfectly fine as it is, but only with the traditional gender roles society has pushed on me. I see my sex/body and my gender as being in perfect harmony, and find the notion of male and female being necessarily at odds very strange and unfairly discriminating.
(Not too many people would argue that opposite-sex marriages don’t work because a woman and a man are necessarily at odds with each other, so why does it become a problem all of a sudden when male and female are combined in one person?! And to top it off we are created from/and with male and female hormones, so I don’t see the problem personally.)
I however respect any individual’s decision to transition or not or partially to the utmost and only blame the legal system and society at large for this equating of a gender identity with a medical disorder. And I wholeheartedly stand with my trans-brothers and sisters in their fight to use the public bathrooms they feel comfortable using.
I identify as Queer/Lesbian and Trans-Masculine/Gender Nonconforming. Socially that mostly translates into, I’m a Gender Nonconforming Lesbian. (I personally do not wish to transition.)
And for the record, I identify as female, and gender nonconforming, despite my male gender. My pronouns are: They/Them/Theirs.
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Gender Binary System notes (2016) (Original Article in its’ Entirety)
The Root Cause Of Misogyny, And The Necessity Of Free Will (Gender Binary System notes, part 1 of 7) (2016)
The Male And Female Brain, And “The Cause” Of Transgenderism(Gender Binary System notes, part 2 of 7) (2016)
The Reasons I Am Not Transitioning (Gender Binary System notes, part 3 of 7) (2016)
How My Gender Nonconforming Identity Affected My Legal Immigration Status (Gender Binary System notes, part 4 of 7) (2016)
My Pronouns: They/Them/Theirs (Gender Binary System notes, part 5 of 7) (2016)
On Looking Androgynous Throughout My Youth, While Also Being Gender Nonconforming (Gender Binary System notes, part 6 of 7)
The Gender-Binary System Was Created For Population Control And Slavery, Including Sex Slavery (Gender Binary System notes, part 7 of 7)
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My name is Gabriella Bregman, I am a Hollywood-based Writer, Filmmaker and Producer, currently in production of a Feature Documentary about LGBTQ US-Immigration Exclusion-Policy, including my personal story of US immigration discrimination during DOMA, (Defense Of Marriage Act, of 1996–2015,) titled ‘The Queer Case for Individual Rights,’ through my film production company Bregman Films.
The 2001 John Cassavetes Film Retrospective ‘Gena and John: A Cassavetes Retrospective’ at the Laemmle Theatres in Los Angeles is a Bregman Films Production.
I am also the Founder of a Nonprofit Film Organization Queer Female Filmmakers Los Angeles — A Media Site & LA Film Mixers (2018.)
In 2018 I am publishing my story and essays in a book, titled ‘The Queer Case for Individual Rights & Other Essays.’
I identify as a Gender Nonconforming Lesbian, “non-op” Trans-Masculine, and Bi-Racial, from the Netherlands, Los Angeles-based.
My pronouns are: they/them/theirs.
Please check out my other articles on LGBTQ- and Immigration Issues, the State of Women and LGBTQ People in Film, and Lesbian/Queer Film as well as Queer Female Sexuality and Gender Identity at medium.com/@gabriellabregman
A few titles:
Resume/FILM BIO: Gabriella Bregman (2018) (2018)
2018 Update on Documentary ‘The Queer Case for Individual Rights’ (2018)
A Note on the State of Women in Film (2016)
A Few Notes On LGBTQ Filmmaking (2017)
Some Thoughts on the State of Lesbian Filmmaking in the US (part 1 of 5) (2018)
John Cassavetes Film Retrospective (2001) (2018)
On ‘Moonlight’ and the Subject of Positive Representation (2017)
My 2018 Oscar Pick for Best Picture (2018)
In Defense of Rationality (2018)
In Defense of Individual Rights (2018)
A Few Notes on US Immigration Exclusion Policies Towards Women- and LGBTQ Immigrants (2014)
The Root Cause Of Misogyny, And The Necessity Of Free Will (Gender Binary System notes, part 1 of 7) (2016)
The Male And Female Brain, And The “Cause” Of Transgenderism (Gender Binary System notes, part 2 of 7) (2016)
The Gender-Binary System Was Created For Population Control And Slavery, Including Sex Slavery (Gender Binary System notes, part 7 of 7)
All Articles Written by Gabriella Bregman (TM). All Pictures Owned by Gabriella Bregman (TM). All Rights Reserved (2018)
