Five Useful Mind Management Concepts
As I’ve listened in on countless coaching calls over the years, I’ve picked up some mind-blowing concepts and strategies. The following are five such principles that I have found particularly useful. I have them written on sticky notes and in various places on my phone, and I reflect on them frequently. Each concept is a new way of looking at a situation, and the change in perspective brings me peace and clarity.
1. Have love for everyone in the story.
Unlike a friend, who will sympathize with and validate the client’s narrative, a coach’s purpose is to reflect the client’s thinking back to them, help them examine how their thoughts affects their results, and explore new thought ideas with them. Part of how the coach does this is by having love for everyone in the story.
The client has opinions about whoever harmed them and has created a tale about why that person was wrong. The coach, on the other hand, stays neutral. The coach knows that every person is doing the best that they can. The person who “harmed” their client has a good reason for how he or she behaved.
Some might suppose that this excuses hurtful behavior or that the person is going to “get away with it” if we believe this. But remember, we don’t have to be mad or judgmental to change something in our lives. We can see that the person was doing their best and also change the relationship or set necessary boundaries.
Understanding that every person has valid reasons for their actions frees us from the emotional baggage of believing that the other person is “doing it wrong.” They’re doing it just how they’re supposed to; now what do we need to do? People can and will act however they want. We can’t control that. We can only work on how we want to show up.
2. Our expectations of people block true connection.
We all have certain expectations for the people in our lives. In life coaching, we call these manuals. Our manuals describe how we want our spouses, children, and coworkers to act. When people behave how we want them to, things go smoothly. But when they don’t, problems ensue.
These difficulties can be solved by the other person changing their behavior (which sometimes does happen), or by us changing our expectations. Which one do we have more control over? We cannot change other people (other than by asking), so it’s most empowering to focus on how we can better handle the situation.
When we want people to be different, we block a true connection with them. We’re so busy thinking about how they should act and what they should say that we are not present with them and we don’t see the real them. The only way we can truly love people is by knowing them, the authentic version of them.
We’re so busy thinking about how they should act and what they should say that we are not present with them and we don’t see the real them.
For example, your “real” spouse leaves trash all over their car, something you would never do. Your “real” child wants to play video games six hours a day. If we can switch from judgement and frustration to curiosity and compassion (and sometimes even humor), we can pull down the barriers to connection.
At times it’s like we say, “I love my spouse/child, but only this one version of them (where they act how I want).” That’s not true connection. Let them be who they truly are, stop judging them and wishing they were different, and you’ll see many more lovable parts of them.
Again, this does not mean we let people act however they want and we just “take it.” It means that the judgment of the person and desiring them to be different is not useful like our mind tells us it is. Free up that emotional space and you’ll find better answers if there is still a problem.
3. The shame/blame trap
Occasionally an incident comes up where we are not sure if we’re to blame or someone else is. Let’s say your mother-in-law tells you, “Your kids would be heathier if they ate more vegetables.” You will probably feel some shame when she says this. Part of you might think, “She’s right. I’m not a good mom. I’m not doing things right. I should provide healthier food.”
This view doesn’t feel good, so we often shift to a blame-type assessment, such as, “Who does she think she is?! I’m doing the best I can here. She doesn’t know how hard it is to get my kids to eat vegetables.” Our defenses go up and we blame the other person for being rude or unkind.
But then we might go back to, “But maybe I should do better. I haven’t tried any new recipes for a long time. I kind of gave up.”
This is what we call the shame/blame trap. Our mind switches from “I’m wrong” to “She’s wrong” and then back again. Neither line of thinking is helpful in changing the situation or making us feel better.
Our mind switches from “I’m wrong” to “She’s wrong” and then back again.
The way out of the shame/blame trap is to drop into the truth. The truth is nothing has gone wrong here. The truth is everyone is doing the best they can. You don’t need to criticize yourself for your parenting or your mother-in-law for her comments. They’re both fine. You’re both fine. The truth is you’re both amazing and you’re both a hot mess, and all of it is okay.
If you want to, ask your mother-in-law to not say such comments. This conversation will go better coming from a place of curiosity and compassion (for both of you) than from judgement and anger. Also, if you want, you can give your kids more vegetables, but not out of shame and regret, just as something new to try. It’s all fine!
4. Spend at least as much time using your imagination to contemplate things going right.
The human brain has an amazing imagination. We are the only sentient species who can conceive of something that doesn’t exist. This can be an incredible benefit when we use this gift to create new things and solve problems in innovative ways. It can also be a burden when we imagine a different past and feel regret or envision a frightful future and feel worried.
However, if we manage our mind, we can interrupt the fearful thoughts and direct our brain to something more useful. When I’m caught up in agonizing about the future, I employ this powerful life coach principle: spend equal time using your imagination to contemplate things going right.
Isn’t that a great idea? It’s fascinating that we don’t do this naturally. This strategy doesn’t suggest notdoing something (because telling yourself not to worry never works), but doing something — specifically, evening out the scales and giving equal airtime to the positive.
For example: Maybe my house will to sell quickly and for a great price. Maybe my toddler will be well-behaved and happy at the family party (even though he didn’t get a nap). Maybe I will make it to my connecting flight.
These ideas don’t come instinctively. They take conscious effort, but directing your brain in this manner makes sense. Remember, we are better at relationships and problem-solving when we have less negative emotion. If we can calm our troubled mind, we can make good decisions that will give us the best chance of creating the experience and the life result we want.
5. “This is the part where I feel bad/things go wrong.”
This concept is one aspect of the 50–50 rule, and I find it quite useful. When something happens that I don’t like, I remind myself, “Every situation is 50% great and 50% hard. This is the part where things don’t go my way.” That simple idea brings back what I already know: this is normal; things aren’t supposed to go perfectly all the time.
We are disappointed when reality doesn’t match our vision of what it should be. We thought things were going to go one way, and then they didn’t. When this happens, it’s natural to resist the situation and feel like something went wrong. But in truth, our expectations were wrong. We supposed it would happen like this, but we were mistaken. The sooner we can accept that and move on, the happier we will be.
We supposed it would happen like this, but we were mistaken.
It’s helpful to remember that our brain constantly searches for things that go amiss. We program our mind with our hopes, dreams, and beliefs about the world, and then it compares real life with these imagined scenarios. When they don’t match up, it tells us there is a problem.
It’s helpful to be aware of this process. When the red flags go up in our mind, we can be like, “I see what’s happening. My brain had an idea of what should happen, and it didn’t go that way. It’s all fine. This is the part where things don’t go as I wanted them to.”
Sometimes the thing that went “wrong” is we are feeling difficult emotions. There are times I am sad or frustrated and think that I shouldn’t be feeling like that. This principle works here, too. “This is the part where I feel sad/frustrated/negative emotion.” Saying this in my mind prompts me to remember that this is what it’s like to be human. It’s okay to feel all the human emotions, the whole range. Nothing has gone wrong. There will always be times of painful feelings; it’s all okay.
When we process the emotion instead of resisting it, it doesn’t feel as overwhelming. Instead of pushing the feeling away, I like to say to myself, “I’m going to feel sad today. That’s okay. This is part of being human. Let’s get good at feeling sad.”
I come back to these five principles again and again. Mind management is a constant process. Keeping valuable concepts like these in front of you (by writing them on notecards or having reminders pop up on your phone) will help you go to them sooner and more often when you are struggling.
- Have love for everyone in the story.
2. Allow people to be who they are and don’t wish they were different.
3. When vacillating between shame and blame, remember that nothing went wrong.
4. Spend as much time contemplating things going right as you do worrying.
5. Remember the phrase, “This is the part where…” to get through times when your brain says something has gone wrong.
Try this on: “Maybe everyone is doing the best they can.”
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“Disappointment comes in the gap between expectation and reality.”
