How Do You Define Success as a Parent?
Everyone wants to feel successful at parenting. We want to feel like a good mom or dad, and we want to believe that we are doing a good job raising our kids. But what is our idea of “doing a good job?” How do we define parenting success? Is it based on how happy our children are? What their grades are? If they are obedient, make good life choices, want you in their lives when they become adults?
We can’t rely on our children’s outcomes to determine if we did well because we don’t have control over their behavior and attitudes. Assessing our parenting based on their feelings and actions is disempowering and discouraging. Sometimes, our kids don’t want to be happy; they might choose to not get good grades. They have autonomy, and they’re supposed to. They might not choose to obey us. They might not want to be around us when they are grown. We don’t know how any of that is going to turn out. But none of that means we did a bad job.
The way we measure our success matters because it will determine where we put our focus. And when it comes to being a good parent, our only consideration should be how we act. That is the only thing we have control over. We can try to be the best version of ourselves, and when we fall short, we can forgive ourselves quickly and easily and move on.
To be the best version of yourself, concentrate on things like I love my children; I teach and guide them; I connect with them and hold them accountable for what I expect of them. When your attention is on these types of parenting, you have the ability to succeed even when your kids are struggling.
Sometimes parents decide on some consequence to a behavior they are trying to change in their child and then later say, “This consequence isn’t working.” In this situation, their definition of “working” is off. The goal in setting the consequence is not to change the child’s behavior. That cannot be the goal if you want to feel confident in your parenting because that is not something you have control over.
The goal in setting the consequence is not to change the child’s behavior.
The only goal is to be the kind of parent you want to be. In this case, that includes setting and enforcing certain consequences for behavior you don’t like. Your child may or may not change because of that consequence. Your emphasis should be on your own thoughts, feelings, and actions.
Our children are human, just like us. They have minds that scan for what went wrong. When they are experiencing hardships, their brain looks for a reason, and it might land on us, the parents. We can hope that our children will look back on their childhoods and like the way we raised them, but we can’t depend on that as our source of confidence in parenting.
For example, Susan felt that her mom didn’t have enough time for her. So when she became a parent, she had this as her goal: “I never want my kids to think I wasn’t there for them.” That’s a nice thought, right?
Susan spent lots of time with her children. She asked them about their lives, and she was involved in all their school activities. She made sure they had family dinner each night. She tried to spend one-on-one time with each child on a regular basis.
When her kids were grown, she overheard them talking about how overbearing she was. One child said, “She never gave me any space! It felt like she didn’t trust me.” Another child added, “She was always all up in my business and had to know what was going on. It was exhausting.”
We never know how our children are going to receive our parenting, even when we have the best of intentions. Most kids will find things they wish were different about their childhoods. This is simply the way of it with humans. Susan hoped her kids would think and feel a certain way about her. In doing this, she disempowered herself by tying her happiness to their words or actions.
She could have had the same idea about parenting but put the focus on herself. She could have said, “I’m going to try to be there for my kids as much as I can.” If she lets go of how her kids will perceive her actions, she can show up as her best self.
There are two main principles to help put this idea into practice. First, be the kind of parent you think is best, and second, don’t tie your emotions to their behavior.
The first step is figuring out what kind of parenting you think is best. You might talk to other parents, read parenting books, or look inside yourself to figure this out. You have to determine the logistics of your parenting: do I like to read stories or play trucks? What do I want to provide and what will I require that they earn money for? What time is their curfew? How involved with I be in their schoolwork and grades?
The answers to these questions and many more all depend on your background, your values, and your personal style. They may change over time and new decisions will come up at each stage of your child’s life. There is no right way to do any of these things. Just find a way that works well for you and your child.
When it comes to these specific parenting decisions, the best advice is to believe you are doing the right thing. There are many different ways to parent. They are all wrong in some ways and they are all right in some ways. When you make a conscious decision about how to handle a situation, then it’s best if you go all in on that decision. Believe that it is 100% the best choice.
If and when you see that you want to go a different route, you can change without any drama. You don’t have to regret the past or beat yourself up. You can say, “I thought that was the best way to handle this situation, but I guess I was wrong” and change course. You are not expected to be perfect.
If you believe you are doing the best and right thing, you will create the best and right thing. Remember, life is always going to be 50/50 anyway. You’re a great parent and a mess of a parent, just like every parent out there. If you believe in yourself as a parent, you will model self-confidence. Additionally, you will have more positive emotion which allows your brain to think of solutions more effectively than if you’re experiencing negative emotion.
After you’ve made your parenting decisions, the second step is key: don’t let your children’s outcomes or actions dictate your feelings. What they do and say is the circumstance in your Model. You can think about that circumstance in a variety of ways, and how you choose to perceive it will determine your result.
Here’s an example of two different ways to respond to a challenge with your child, which create two different results.
Circumstance: My child has 2 D’s on his report card.
Thought: “I’m a horrible parent!”
Feeling: discouraged, frustrated
Action: beat yourself up, ruminate on all the ways you messed up, catastrophize about what your child’s future may bring
Result: continue to be a less-than-stellar parent because you are distracted by your perceived mistakes, and negative emotion clouds your critical thinking skills that facilitate finding solutions to help your child through this struggle.
OR
Circumstance: My child has 2 D’s on his report card.
Thought: “I wonder what is going on with my child.”
Feeling: curiosity, compassion
Action: talk to the child about the situation
Result: find out more of what is going on with your child.
In the second scenario, the parent isn’t necessarily thinking, “I did such a great job!” Her success or failure as a mom simply isn’t relevant. She’s not seeing the situation through the lens of her influence or actions. She’s focused on what to do next. She’s contemplating who she wants to be in this (new and troubling) situation.
Parent in the way you feel is best and keep the ownership over it. When you’re buying your child a toy or hauling them to dance lessons, remind yourself: I’m doing this because I want to, not because I have to. I’m not doing this to create some feeling in them, but only because it is the kind of parent I want to be. Remember what is in your control and what is not in your control.
When your children don’t behave how you want them to or don’t appreciate what you’ve done for them, it’s natural to think (or say), “Do you know how much I sacrificed for that kid?” This line of thinking breeds resentment and will not give you the result you are seeking. Everything you’ve done is because you wanted to do it. You are empowered when you keep the ownership over your behaviors and don’t expect any particular results from your children.
Everything you’ve done is because you wanted to do it.
Do be grateful to yourself though. Parenting is difficult. Say kind things to yourself often, such as, “Thanks for working so hard at this!” The appreciation will be more reliable when it comes from yourself rather than your kids.
When we tie our feelings to things outside of our control, it creates anxiety, fear, resentment, and worry. We are in emotional childhood when we believe our feelings are caused by someone else’s actions. When our hope in parenting is to have a certain outcome from the child, we are essentially saying, “I can only be happy if my child behaves in this certain way.” We don’t want to give our children power over our emotions like that.
When thinking about your success as a parent, don’t leave it up to your unconscious, unsupervised mind to define it for you. Recognize that there are aspects you have control over and some you do not have control over. Your child’s behaviors and emotions are easy for our brain to notice. Our minds like to focus on what it’s going to look like on the outside. But that is the least important part. Manage your mind and direct your attention to what it looks like on the inside. Who do I want to be? How am I going to show up? That’s all that matters.
Try this on: “I thought that was the best way to handle this situation, but I guess I was wrong.”
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“Disappointment comes in the gap between expectation and reality.”
