Manuals: Beliefs about How Other People Should Behave
A manual for an electronic device explains how the device is supposed to act and what to do when it doesn’t perform correctly. Similarly, we have manuals for people in our lives. They are unwritten and often unspoken, but nevertheless they are firm notions in our minds of how people should act. Our human brains do this naturally: we develop viewpoints about how people should operate. (I wrote briefly about the idea of manuals in Five Useful Mind Management Concepts.)
We get these ideas from our families, our churches, from media and movies and society at large. We use this gathered information to create manuals. Many times, the people in our lives follow our manuals and there is no problem. But sometimes people don’t behave as we want and expect them to. We cause ourselves a lot of suffering and pain in these cases presuming that something has gone wrong. We believe that they should act the way we desire them to.
When you hear about the manuals concept you might think it means you should sit down with your loved one and share your manual and tell them what you need from them or how they have hurt you. This is not exactly the idea. It’s fine to communicate and express your needs, but challenges arise when you assign accountability for your feelings to someone else. (Remember, this is called emotional childhood.)
When you believe that another person’s actions determine your emotions, you’re essentially saying to them, “I need you to act in a particular way or I can’t be happy.” Who has control over your feelings then? The other person, which can be scary. You are at the mercy of whether or not they behave the way you want them to. It’s okay to make the request, but don’t attach your happiness to whether or not they meet that request.
The best plan is to throw out our manuals altogether. We do this by acknowledging, “I don’t know how a mother-in-law should be. I don’t know how a husband or a father or a kid should be. I’m not going to have expectations of how they should be. I’ll simply to expect them to be them, and I’ll decide how I want to feel and who I want to be in this relationship. What do I want it to look like and how I want to show up?” The only person we can have requests and expectations of is ourselves.
When we realize we are relying on someone to act a certain way, thinking they “should” act that way, we see that we have a manual. We’d be better off if we drop it. Again, it’s easier for our brains to notice things outside of us: them, their actions, and their words, but we don’t need to notice that. We only need to notice our own thoughts.
This may seem surprising and even absurd to some. They may say, “What? No expectations?! We let people do whatever they want?” It’s comical that our mind comes up with this question, as if we have control over other people. In truth, we have no choice but to “let” them decide their own actions. Remember, people can and will do whatever they want.
In truth, we have no choice but to “let” them decide their own actions.
Instead of focusing on what others should do, turn your attention inward. Contemplate your own beliefs and approach, and you will be more likely to generate the result you want. When you drop the criticism of their behavior, you have more emotional energy to find a solution that works best for everyone.
A parent-child relationship is a possible exception. You will want to have expectations of your children, but you’ll find more peace if you hold them loosely. Don’t connect your feelings to whether they “obey” or not. When you make a family rule, don’t determine if it works by looking to your child’s behavior. It “works” if you do your part (which could be to enforce a consequence for misbehavior).
For example, you might have a rule that your teenager needs to call if he’s going to come home later than the agreed upon time. If he doesn’t do this, talk to him about it or carry out whatever plan you made. But it becomes a manual when you tie your emotions to whether or not he calls. In this case your manual might read “Children should do what I tell them to.” If your kids follow this condition, then you’re pleased. If they don’t, you’re upset.
It’s quite natural to feel happy if he calls (does what you want him to) and frustrated if he doesn’t. But it doesn’t have to be this way. Don’t punish yourself for his bad behavior. You can remain calm either way. It’s possible to influence him through conversations or managing his privileges without feeling upset yourself.
Sometimes you may want to feel negative emotions. You might want to be disappointed when he doesn’t do what he said he would. But to be an effective parent and to save yourself a lot of grief, keep it in clean pain.
Many of us have manuals for our spouses. We have strong ideas about what a good and loving spouse does for their partners.
Let’s say you sit down with your husband and say, “Honey, I’d really like it if you get me a birthday present this year.” You’ve made your request, but when your birthday comes, he doesn’t buy you a gift. At this point, you get to decide how you want to feel. If you want to be happy, when you make that request you should not count on it happening, meaning you should not fix your emotions to that action.
That may sound depressing, but the other option is having your feelings at the mercy of his behavior. Wouldn’t you rather be in charge of your own emotions? Then you can produce whatever feeling you want regardless of what he does.
Wouldn’t you rather be in charge of your own emotions?
It’s not his actions (buying a present or not) that create your emotions. It is your beliefs about what he did. You might have thoughts like, “He should have remembered,” or “A nice husband gets his wife a birthday present,” or “He must not love me.” Those notions seem like *facts* in the heat of the moment, but they are simply ideas. Your brain came up with these presumptions based on shows you’ve seen or conversations you’ve heard. They are not necessarily true and may not be serving you.
If you want to feel differently you could have alternate thoughts like, “I guess this is the way he is supposed to be. Maybe I don’t know how my husband is supposed to act.” Recognize that you had a made-up manual for his actions, and that’s what is causing your pain.
Letting go of your ideas about how he should be can seem scary or feel like defeat. But you are only punishing yourself with those beliefs. Some husbands do those things, and some do not. Instead of wishing your husband was different, acknowledge who he is and connect with that person. That person really exists; the other guy is a figment of your imagination.
Our expectations of people block true connection. When we want people to be different, we aren’t able to interact with them on a deeper level. We’re busy thinking about how they should act and what they shouldsay, and we are not present with them and seeing the real them. The only way we can truly love people is by knowing them, the authentic version of them. And to do that we need to wipe away the fogginess of our expectations and judgements.
Instead of frustration with how they do things, we can choose patience, interest, inquisitiveness. We can work to understand their point of view, or at least stop judging them as doing it wrong. Their way is as valid as ours.
For example, your “real” spouse leaves trash all over their car, something you would never do. Your “real” child wants to play video games six hours a day. If you can switch from judgement and frustration to curiosity and compassion (and sometimes even humor), you can pull down the barriers to connection.
At times it’s like we say, “I love my spouse/child, but only this one version of them (where they act how I want).” That’s not true connection. Let them be who they truly are, stop judging them and wishing they were different, and you’ll see many more lovable parts of them.
Again, this does not mean you let people act however they want and you “take it.” It means that judging the person and desiring them to be different is not useful like your mind tells you it is. Free up that mental space, and you’ll find better answers if there is still a problem.
It’s amazing to realize that you always have the choice to love others regardless of what they do. You don’t have to wait for your loved one to act a specific way to feel the positive emotion of love. Love feels great, and experiencing love helps you show up as your best self. This is unconditional love — not tying your love to their behavior but giving it freely. It’s possible and it’s amazing.
You don’t have to wait for your loved one to act a specific way to feel the positive emotion of love.
When you let go of the expectations of others, requiring them to act in a certain way in order for you to feel love toward them, you have great freedom. To your mind it might seem that you’re letting them get away with acting badly. Your brain doesn’t know that you don’t have any other option! People can and will do whatever they want, and you can just love them.
Try this on: “Maybe I don’t know how my husband is supposed to act.”
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“Disappointment comes in the gap between expectation and reality.”
