Feels are my jam.
1. Choose the bread.
None of that basic, white-washed Wondergunk, if you please. I’m done with that phase of my life. I’m looking for something special: a substantive multigrain. It’s okay if its crust hasn’t been trimmed. Any guy who isn’t willing to eat crust isn’t ready for a real sandwich.
2. Choose the jelly.
This time I’ll go with grape: an oft-maligned option that deserves to be loved and understood. Tell me about what it was like to grow up on a vineyard. I wanna know everything there is to know about you. Your past won’t scare me away. Promise.
3. Spread the jelly on one slice of the bread.
This has to be done delicately. I…
Ugh, veganism.
Daiya Cheddar Style Shreds
The OG fake cheese
Akin to your first boyfriend,
It’s time to move on
The Honest Stand Spicy Nacho Plant-Based Dip
Sulfurous hellfire:
Cashew Sinners in the Hands
of An Angry God
Kite Hill Non-Dairy Ricotta Cheese
Delicious. Pricey.
A vegan delight awaits
…If you’re Beyoncé.
Violife Just Like Cheddar Slices
No dairy? You’re sure?
These made me toot “Just Like” I
had eaten lactose
Miyoko’s Semi Firm Aged Smoked English Farmhouse Cheese Wheel
A smoky delight!
Take me back to your farmhouse,
You semi-firm chap
Tofutti Better Than Cream Cheese
No way it’s “better”
Won’t you join my schmear campaign
To get this off shelves?
Go Veggie! Grated Parmesan Style Topping
Olive Garden vibes:
Belabored, parm-adjacent
With a hint of barf
NUMU Vegan Mozzarella
Only restaurants
Had access to this manna,
Good thing they’re closed now.
Follow Your Heart Vegan Gourmet Mozzarella Shreds
Your heart says…
Humor
Don’t hate the player, hate the simulacrum of the game.
Girl, are you Gravity’s Rainbow? ’Cause you’re hella thick and I wish I had a firmer grasp on you.
What’s your signifier?
I’m writing a list of postmodern pickup lines. Consider this my playfully self-conscious attempt at trying one out on you.
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven, or are you just an angel’s simulacrum?
“Chicks before dicks” is a reductionist metanarrative that we should reject, so ditch your friends and leave with me.
I need you like the syllabus for an Intro to Comparative Literature class needs Foucault.
The distinction between high and low culture is arbitrary…
7:45 am: The household begins to stir. I envy the humans their night’s rest. My eyes have been carved into the poplar wood wide awake; immutable, all-seeing. Many moons ago, I was the prince of an Enchanted Wood. My father was the Hart King, and I the young stag poised to take his place on the throne.
10:23 am: Syd and Babe enter my line of vision as they set out on their quest to the kitchen. As the humans pass me, I commence my daily silent scream, imploring them with my eyes to free me from my poplar prison…
