What are the signs of coercive control in relationships?

We continue our series, focusing on real-life experiences to highlight various forms of intimate partner violence. In previous posts, we have explored various forms of abuse including financial and economic violence, verbal abuse, emotional manipulation, psychological abuse, deception, dependency, and isolation, and how they shape relationships. This post unveils coercive control, a less visible but pervasive form of abuse that often underpins other types of violence in intimate partnerships.

Understanding coercive control in relationships

Understanding coercive control in relationships is crucial, as it involves a pattern of behaviour where one partner seeks to dominate, manipulate, and control the other, significantly impacting their freedom and daily life. This form of abuse often manifests subtly, making it difficult to recognise and even more challenging to report. Frequently dismissed as trivial domestic issues, coercive control is, in fact, a severe and insidious form of abuse.

How coercive control unfolds in relationships

The order you’ve listed covers a wide range of topics related to coercive control in relationships. However, to enhance logical flow and coherence, it might be beneficial to group similar themes together and ensure that foundational concepts are introduced before moving on to specific examples and applications. Here’s a revised order that might enhance understanding and engagement:

Emotional control in intimate relationships

Emotional control involves an abuser leveraging emotions to dominate and influence their partner’s behaviour, effectively restricting their autonomy and ability to make independent decisions. This form of abuse can manifest in several distinct ways, making it harder for the partner to leave the relationship or seek help.

1. Alex and Mia: Alex uses guilt to manipulate Mia by continually suggesting that her commitment to her career shows a lack of care for their relationship. This tactic aims to prioritise the relationship over her personal and professional goals, to dominate and control her time and priorities, manipulating her to feel responsible for Alex’s emotional well-being.

2. Sarah and Tom: Tom often undermines Sarah’s confidence through subtle criticisms and dismissive comments, particularly about her new job. He implies that she is not competent enough, increasing her reliance on his approval and validation. This form of emotional control keeps Sarah doubting her abilities and decisions.

3. Lisa and Mark: Lisa finds herself walking on eggshells around Mark, who has unpredictable emotional outbursts when things do not go his way. Mark’s emotional volatility is used as a tool to control Lisa’s actions, ensuring she acts in ways that avoid conflict or displeasing him, even if it means sacrificing her own needs and happiness.

Financial control in relationships

Financial control involves the abuser managing the partner’s access to money, employment, or financial resources. This type of control is part of a broader pattern of coercive control, distinct from financial exploitation, which we explored in an earlier post. While financial exploitation typically aims for personal gain and may occur as isolated incidents — such as selling a partner’s property without their consent — financial control is a long-term strategy. It entails the systematic manipulation of a partner’s financial decisions, resources, and autonomy, all designed to maintain power and control within the relationship. This sustained control has a more insidious impact, subtly eroding the partner’s independence and confidence over time.

Restricting financial independence

When Emily and James married, they opened a joint bank account. James convinced Emily she was not adept with money, claiming he needed to manage their finances to prevent her from overspending. Trusting him early in their marriage, Emily did not monitor their expenditures closely. James retained sole access to the ATM and credit cards, progressively limiting Emily’s access to their joint bank accounts. He provided her only with a weekly allowance, infantilising her and fostering doubts about her financial competence. Over time, James’s control extended to using financial access as leverage, threatening to cut her off financially if she did not comply with his demands.

Creating financial dependency

Rukmini had always been independent and self-sufficient before marrying Rohan. Post-marriage, Rohan insisted Rukmini need not work, as he would handle all their financial needs. Initially, Rukmini appreciated the gesture, but as time passed, she felt increasingly trapped and powerless. Rohan took control of all financial aspects, from bill payments to personal spending, severely restricting how much money Rukmini could use. This control eroded Rukmini’s sense of identity and autonomy, making her feel unable to leave the relationship despite her desires.

Surveillance in intimate relationships

Surveillance, whether physical or digital to monitor a partner’s movements, activities and communications, serves as a tool for coercive control in intimate relationships, undermining trust and restricting personal freedom.

Intrusive oversight in the home

Linda’s life took a turn when Tom insisted on installing security cameras around their home. Officially, these were meant to enhance their security, but Tom used them for a far more intrusive purpose. Throughout the day, he monitored Linda’s every action, keeping an eye on who visited and what occurred in their house. Each evening, Tom would confront Linda, questioning her about every interaction and movement, under the guise of concern for her safety. This constant surveillance left Linda feeling like she had no privacy or control over her own space, severely affecting her sense of security within her home.

Digital domination through device tracking

Emily began to notice something was amiss when her partner, Mark, knew too much about her whereabouts and interactions. It started subtly; Mark mentioned details about her day that she had not shared with him. As time passed, Emily discovered that Mark had installed tracking software on her phone and computer. He tracked her locations, read her messages, and monitored her social media activities, claiming it was all to ensure she was safe and not under any undue influence from outsiders. This digital leash made Emily feel constantly watched and stifled her independence, leading to a significant loss of trust and increasing discomfort in the relationship.

Limiting access to the outside world

The abuser restricts their partner’s access to friends, family, and social networks, effectively diminishing their support system.

Controlling digital and personal communications

When Harper began dating Blaize, her life changed drastically. Blaize regularly monitored Harper’s phone and computer, scrutinising her interactions and reacting angrily to any behaviour he perceived as flirtatious or threatening. He told Harper she was “too friendly” online and needed to be more cautious about her posts. Additionally, he controlled Harper’s social media accounts, deleting messages and blocking contacts he found threatening. Over time, Harper grew anxious about going online, fearing Blaize’s reactions, and eventually she stopped using social media altogether, feeling isolated and disconnected from her online community.

Blaize also controlled Harper’s interactions with her family and friends. He frequently intercepted Harper’s phone calls and messages, telling her that her friends were a bad influence and that her family was “toxic.” He insisted that Harper set boundaries with them to prioritise their relationship.

Enforced isolation through relocation

Rebecca enjoyed a successful career and a vibrant social life in the city until her partner, Alex, pressured her to move to a remote rural area where he grew up. Initially reluctant, Rebecca eventually gave in to Alex’s persistent requests and promises of a better life in the countryside. However, the reality was starkly different. Cut off from her friends, family, and colleagues, Rebecca found herself isolated in an unfamiliar cultural setting. Her in-laws, considering her an outsider, further ostracised her. Alex often refused to drive her to town, which compounded her isolation by limiting her access to basic necessities and maintaining social connections. The unreliable phone network further restricted her communication options. After five years of increasing isolation and dependency, Rebecca decided it was enough and reclaimed her freedom.

Restricting mobility in relationships

Restricting mobility is strategically used in coercive control, not only limiting the victim’s physical freedom but also their social independence and access to support systems.

Controlling daily movements and social interactions

In many abusive relationships, one partner may exert control by severely limiting the other’s ability to move freely. This often manifests as strict rules about where the partner can go, who they can see, and what activities they are allowed to participate in. For instance, David imposed stringent controls over Caroline’s daily routines, dictating when she could leave the house and whom she could meet. He justified these restrictions by claiming concerns for her safety, but in reality, these were measures to maintain dominance and control within the relationship.

Denying access to essential services

A more severe form of restricting mobility involves limiting access to essential services, which can have profound implications on the partner’s well-being. Emma’s experience illustrates this, as her partner Steve would often prevent her from attending healthcare appointments unless he deemed them necessary. Steve’s control extended to social and family events, deciding if and when Emma could attend, effectively isolating her and reinforcing his control by making her dependent on him for permission for basic activities.

Threats and intimidation as tools of control in relationships

This involves using verbal or physical threats to maintain power and control.

Exerting control through personal threats

John’s method of maintaining control over Sarah involved not only direct threats to her well-being but also threats against her loved ones. On numerous occasions, he explicitly threatened to harm her family if Sarah failed to obey his commands. Additionally, he would leverage intimate details of her life as a weapon, threatening to expose her secrets to the public. This tactic ensured that Sarah remained too intimidated to defy him or seek external support, effectively isolating her within the confines of their relationship and maintaining his dominance.

Social sabotage and career threats

Gaia found herself constantly under threat from her partner, Harley, who used her career as leverage against her. Harley would often threaten to show up at her workplace and cause a scene that could jeopardise her job unless she complied with his demands. He also threatened to spread malicious rumours about her to her colleagues and professional network, undermining her social standing and professional relationships. These threats kept Gaia in a state of anxiety and fear, worried that any failure to appease Harley could lead to devastating consequences for her career and social life.

Reinforcing abuse through minimisation and blame-shifting

Minimisation and blame-shifting are tactics that uphold and reinforce the cycle of abuse through perpetuating and legitimising abuse in relationships.

Normalising abusive behaviour

Minimisation acts as a mechanism to normalise abusive behaviours within a relationship, making them appear less serious or harmful than they truly are. This can be particularly insidious as it seeks to alter the victim’s perception of the abuse, leading them to question the severity of their circumstances and making them less likely to seek help. For example, after a bout of verbal abuse, a perpetrator might dismiss his hurtful words as “just a joke,” accusing his partner of being overly sensitive. This not only plays down the abuse but also subtly transfers the responsibility onto Helen for reacting, thus entrenching the abusive dynamic.

Shifting responsibility to uphold control

Blame-shifting complements minimisation by transferring the responsibility for abusive actions onto the victim, thereby absolving the perpetrator of guilt. For instance, if Mark becomes violently angry, he might blame his partner, Sarah, claiming his outburst was triggered by something she said or did. By shifting the blame, Mark avoids accountability and maintains control, making Sarah responsible for both the abuse and managing his emotions.

Control over decision-making in relationships

The abuser limits the victim’s role and voice within the home.

Limiting involvement in key decisions

Thomas makes all significant decisions regarding finances, children’s education, and even daily household routines without consulting his partner, Maria. By doing so, he ensures that Maria remains subordinate and excluded from the family’s power dynamics, effectively minimising her influence and presence in matters directly affecting her life and that of their family.

Controlling long-term planning and freedom

Dave does not allow his partner Jane to participate in any long-term planning, such as buying a house, planning vacations, or even career choices. This control not only strips Jane of her agency but also instills a sense of helplessness and entrapment, as she sees no role for herself in shaping their joint future.

Control over reproductive decisions
Jenny wishes to prioritise her career and therefore wants to delay expanding their family. However, Ben dismisses her desires, pressuring her to have more children sooner than she is prepared. His control over their family planning decisions directly challenges Jenny’s autonomy, forcing her into choices that align solely with his preferences.

Impact of coercive control

The impact of coercive control on individuals in relationships can be profound and long-lasting. This form of control undermines the victim’s autonomy, eroding their sense of self and ability to make independent decisions. It typically manifests in various damaging ways:

1. Victims often suffer from anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem due to the constant undermining of their thoughts and actions. The persistent doubt sown by the abuser can lead to long-term psychological distress and a diminished sense of identity.
2. Coercive control frequently involves isolating the victim from their family and friends. This isolation reduces the victim’s support network, making it more difficult for them to seek help or escape the abusive relationship.
3. The stress and anxiety caused by living under coercive control can lead to physical health issues, including chronic fatigue, insomnia, and increased susceptibility to illnesses.
4. By controlling financial resources and restricting the victim’s ability to work, the abuser ensures financial dependency, which can trap the victim in the relationship and limit their options for leaving.
5. If children are present in the household, they too can be affected by witnessing coercive control. This exposure can lead to emotional and behavioural problems in children, affecting their development and well-being.

Addressing coercive control in relationships

Coercive control in intimate partner relationships often manifests subtly, making it difficult to recognise and even more challenging to report. This form of abuse can be insidious, frequently dismissed as trivial domestic issues rather than acknowledged as the serious abuse it is. Addressing this hidden control requires specific, deliberate actions.

Five key actions to address coercive control

1. Educate yourself about the signs of coercive control through workshops and resources to recognise and understand this subtle form of abuse.
2. Establish a robust support network that offers both emotional backing and practical assistance.
3. Achieve financial independence to reduce dependency on the controlling partner and increase options for autonomy.
4. Document all instances of coercive behavior as evidence, providing a factual basis for any future legal action or therapeutic intervention.
5. Utilise technology and online platforms to connect with support groups that empower and give voice to those affected by coercive control.

Concluding reflections at Nite Tanzarn IntellectNest

As we explore the multifaceted nature of coercive control in relationships, it becomes clear that understanding and addressing these behaviours is critical for fostering healthy, respectful, and supportive partnerships. The journey through the diverse aspects of coercion — from emotional manipulation to financial control and beyond — highlights the need for awareness and education in identifying and combating these subtle yet profoundly damaging dynamics. At NITE TANZARN IntellectNest, we are committed to shedding light on these issues, empowering people to recognise signs of abuse, and providing resources to support victims in reclaiming their autonomy.