Chapter 7: Stop blaming your parents, blame yourself — The Power of Negative Thinking

Under the following conditions, it is acceptable to blame your parents for the conditions you find yourself in: you are between the ages of 0 and 18.

The rest of you can grow the fuck up.

Did you know that as an adult, your mom can no longer force you to go to your room? Similarly, as an adult, you can take responsibility for your own outcomes. You don’t have to — and most of you won’t — but you can, and you should.

That brings along with it the scary possibility of failing, and then having only yourself to blame. That fear is a wonderful motivator to succeed, but it can be paralyzing as well. Too bad, get over it.

The Power of Negative Thinking is not a joke, it is a self-improvement manual and it really culminates into this one line of reasoning: if you are unhappy, that is your brain telling you that you need to change something. Don’t force yourself to be happy, don’t smile when you mean to frown. Those are just Jedi tricks you are playing on yourself. Instead, focus heavily on the cause of your unhappiness. Work through all the different ways you can assign the blame to someone who isn’t you. Keep at it. Stay focused. Brew. Brew heavily.

Eventually, you will, as the Buddhist monks say, cut through the bullshit of your own self-delusion, and reach enlightenment. Should you find this particularly hard and are failing at even this task, take some mushrooms and stare in the mirror. You’ll get there. I promise.

You will find, that without fail, the only person that is truly disappointed with you, is you. Your parents have long given up, your friends never expected much better, but you seem to be caught up in this idea that something should change. If only something would be better.

Well, make it better then.

Is work stressing you out? Look harder. No, you are stressing yourself out, about work. You have many options. Perhaps you should work harder. Stop showing up at 10:05 and leaving at 3:30. Stop talking so much to everyone who happens to be within earshot. Get some damn work done. Perhaps you’re too stupid for your position, and you need something less intense. Talk to your boss — he’s been waiting for this revelation for years and will happily demote you at your request.

Are you stressed about money? Stop spending so much you idiot. Oh, your parents didn’t teach you good financial sense? I’m sorry to hear that. That must be really tough for you. Here’s a library card, go read a book on financial management and stick to it.

Are you stressed about your future? Don’t be. You don’t have one. Your parents have sold you out years before you were born and the debt payments are coming up.

Are you stuck in a relationship with someone you don’t love? Well guess what, love is a joke and so are you. Feel free to leave anytime. I know they remind you of your absent father/mother but guess what, by leaving them, they’ll be even more reminiscent of your non-existent relationship with your parents.

Are you unable to cope with the stresses of modern life and a 24-hour news cycle? Here’s a novel idea, stop watching the news, delete your Facebook, get off the internet, and go for a walk. Notice how when you’re walking along a ravine, listening to the god damned birds there’s not a single terrorist blowing up a school full of handicapped children? It’s really beautiful.

Look forward to more chapters in my new book, The Power of Negative Thinking: by Who Would Publish This Press

Chapter 1: The Power of Negative Thinking
Chapter 2: The Downward Spiral
Chapter 3: Become genuinely uninterested in people
Chapter 4: Give constant and sincere criticism
Chapter 5: Frown
Chapter 6: Getting by: how to look busy while doing nothing
Chapter 7: Stop blaming your parents, blame yourself
Chapter 8: How to lose friends and influence your cat
Chapter 9: The Power of Later
Chapter 10: The Secret (there is none, you’re an idiot)