Dysregulation always follows chronic invalidation, not the other way around.
What is Dysregulation?
Dysregulation is an emotional response that is poorly regulated and does not fall within the traditionally accepted range of emotional reaction. Dysregulation is subjective and depends on your culture. Openly grieving is accepted in some cultures. In more close-minded cultures, all strong emotions must be kept private, a norm which leads to much higher levels of perceived dysregulation in people who can’t take the abuse any longer. Dysregulation as a label is more about what others perceive than about how an individual feels. Dysregulation can range from mildly distracted to full-blown psychosis. All dysregulation is uncomfortable. Most dysregulation is scary. Some dysregulation is terrifying. Chronic dysregulation leads to the hopelessness and helplessness of sucidality.
What is Invalidation?
Chronic invalidation, otherwise known as gaslighting, is equivalent to narcissistic abuse or bullying.
When we lose our shit we are often shamed and stigmatized, which sets up a vicious shame spiral. The more we dysregulate, the more we are dehumanized, and the more we are dehumanized, the more we dysregulate. When this pattern begins in childhood, the prognosis for a happy productive adulthood is very poor. When bullying happens in adulthood, the ability of the victim to recover depends 100% on the strength of their support system (just ask Monica Lewinsky). If there is a healthy support system, then a single incidence of bullying does little damage. The weaker the support system, the greater the damage. Sadly, when the bullying is chronic and comes from members of our own family system, it almost always has devastating consequences. Chronic bullying, especially in the form of scapegoating abuse, destroys many lives.
The first important thing to remember about bullying is that you are not to blame, and you are not alone. Real support can be hard to find, but resources for exploring narcissistic abuse can be a very helpful first step.
The second important thing to remember about bullying is that the invalidation always precedes the dysregulation — ALWAYS.
Just as nobody is born a bully, nobody is born crazy or dysregulated.
Chemical imbalances and genetics DO NOT CAUSE chronic dysregulation. Trauma does. The only way to recover from the harmful effects of unaddressed trauma is with frequent and consistent validation. Tough love, medication, and most talk therapy is counter-productive for healing from chronic dysregulation because we need our bodies to learn to co-regulate with other human beings to feel safe before we can address the deeper issues.
Help from therapists and coaches can give us a false sense of security and can sometimes do more damage in the long run. If a professional has not done enough self-exploration and healed enough from their own traumas, they can inflict pain on unsuspecting trauma victims by using invalidating words disguised as helpful advice.
- Take the best and leave the rest.
- It is what it is.
- Everything happens for a reason.
- It takes time.
- You misunderstood.
- Everyone makes mistakes.
- You need to take responsibility for yourself.
Thought-Terminating Clichés (TTCs) (phrases)“The most far-reaching and complex of human problems are compressed into brief, highly reductive, definitive-sounding phrases, easily memorized and easily expressed. These become the start and finish of any ideological analysis.”
The frequent use of TTCs and the inability to take responsibility for our own words and actions is a sign of insecurity (weak ego). When we find ourselves walking on eggshells with certain people, it is likely that they are projecting their own weak ego at us. If we find people calling us out for hurting them, we are likely projecting our own weak ego at them. Validation is a two-way street. As with empathic listening and compassion, the more we practice it, the easier it gets. Whereas conversations with gaslighters leave us feeling confused and full of self-doubt, conversations with validators leave us feeling seen, heard, understood and cared for. Your body will know the difference right away even if your mind doesn’t
Just be sure that validators are praising your healthy behaviors while also holding you and themselves accountable for unhealthy behaviors. Insincere validation from people-pleasing fawners is unkind and dishonest. Allow your moral compass to be your guide. If your behavior and beliefs are out of alignment, your body will tell you if you are experiencing cognitive dissonance.
If we are healthy enough to detect invalidation within ourselves as well as from others, we are better able to protect ourselves from the invalidation projected at us that runs rampant in modern culture. Having a thick skin is only possible when we can treat ourselves with self-compassion.
If our success is on the backs of others, that is not success at all.
The most financially “successful” people focus on money and power. The most spiritually successful people focus on people and connection.
We need to know in our minds and bodies what our core values are if we want to be successful at being mature human beings. If it doesn’t FEEL right to everyone in the interaction, it is not right.
Self-protection, self-awareness, and self-confidence are all components of fierce self-compassion (healthy narcissism). The more we practice healthy narcissism, the kinder we are to others and the more fulfilling our lives.
Narcissism is a survival tool.
Healthy narcissism is putting our own needs before another’s wants.
