To buy a muffin at full price 30 minutes before closing requires a certain type of chump.

To buy a muffin at full price 30 minutes before closing requires a certain type of chump. To visit a bakery in the evening, notice the remaining muffins are all the same kind, and not picture the chorus of previous customers saying “no,” “oh, no,” and “oh dear God no” is another kind of chump. …

Dear Mr. Zimmerman, Thank you for your recent e-mail regarding your idea for writing about our StarKist Class Action Lawsuit.

Dear Mr. Zimmerman,

Thank you for your recent e-mail regarding your idea for writing about our StarKist Class Action Lawsuit.

We are very flattered that you’ve chosen our product as the focus of your idea. Unfortunately, we have to decline your kind offer. Our company has exclusive contracts. Due to the nature of the current legal and business environment, our Company has chosen not to accept any advertising, promotional, or marketing ideas from non-employees of our company or advertising agencies.

…

When I lean on my Wayfair couch in my favorite way, curled up like I’m asleep in the womb, I can see a grocery store where people with once-strange masks wait in line six feet apart.

When I lean on my Wayfair couch in my favorite way, curled up like I’m asleep in the womb, I can see a grocery store where people with once-strange masks wait in line six feet apart.

The other stores on the block closed at their own speed: first a bar, then a brokerage firm, then a Mediterrean restaurant switched to take-out only and removed…

I live alone in New York, which means my bed is in my kitchen and I haven’t made eye contact in a month.

“Breaking up with your phone….means prioritizing real-life relationships over those that take place on screen.” — Catherine Price, Breaking Up With Your Phone

“Online interactions aren’t just different from real-world interactions; they’re measurably worse.” — Adam Alter, Irresistible

“If you only ever spend time online a part of you withers away,” Hillary Cash, clinical psychologist

I live alone in New York, which means my bed is in my kitchen and I haven’t made eye contact in a…

The only comprehensive ranking of all of 2019 on the entire internet

365. October 21

364. November 13

363. March 26

362. December 2

361. March 4

360. July 14

359. November 23

358. May 28

357. November 17

356. March 8

355. January 28

354. March 24

353. June 13

352. November 30

351. July 26

350. October 27

349. February 9

348. September 3

347. April 5

346. May 15

345. March 9

344. November 27

343. November 18

342. November 15

341. July 18

340. June 25

339. July 6

338. December 28

337. July 28

336…

A comedian’s 5-part pep talk for YOU (not about ME) ((a little about ME))

As an expert on the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, which I’ve never fully attended,* I am honored to write this definitive pre-fringe pep talk.

*Disclaimer: in 2018, I snuck over and did 5 free shows and got as many blowjobs.

As the Fringe countdown reaches single day digits, and everyone’s resting heart rate reaches triple digits, let’s take a moment to collectively breathe.

In.

Out.

In.

Hold.

Hold.

Die.

Be reborn.

Assuming you’re also a neurotic, chaotic mess with depressive tendencies putting the final (or first**) touches…

“in this competitive media lanscape, we must focus on what makes us unique.”

Team,

I didn’t get into journalism to fire people. I got into journalism to speak truth to power, empower marginalized voices, and write the first draft of history.

Journalism is an art, but it is also a business. As CEO of Integrity, my email today is business.

As of this morning, the below teams have been terminated:

• Opinion
• Editorial
• Long-Form Investigative Reporting
• Short-Form Intestigative Reporting
• Local Politics
• Regional Politics
• National Politics
• Global Politics
• Queer Voices
• POC Voices
• Marginalized Voices

The below teams remain unaffected:

• Meerkats

The above…