Codependency is Based on a Lie

Codependency is based on a lie. Its symptoms develop to cope with the deep, but false and painful belief — that “I’m not worthy of love and respect.” In the chart above, core symptoms of codependency are in red, but nearly all the symptoms revolve around shame — the shame that accompanies rejection. This entire system operates beneath our awareness, and until we know it and feel it, we’re caught in its grip.

Symptoms of Codependency

The symptoms of codependency are either caused by shame or are or are defenses to feeling shame, as explained in Conquering Shame and Codependency. Most codependents grow up feeling ashamed of their real feelings, wants, and/or needs. As adults they deny, devalue, and/or don’t express them to avoid their shame. Some people can’t identify them at all, and willingly put those of others first. This leads to anxiety, depression, obsessions and addictive behavior. Later, they feel anger and resentment or hurt and uncared about. Especially during courtship, they accommodate and please in order to be loved by someone to avoid a breakup. Once married, there’s often disappointment when the relationship feels unequal.

Shame is a feeling that leads to self-destructive thoughts and negative self-evaluations, which produces low self-esteem. Self-esteem isn’t so much a feeling, but how we think about…