‘Don’t settle in life’ — what do they mean?
Start by asking yourself what you need.
When I told my friend that my previous stint at a startup did not work out, he told me to Never Settle. This was then told to me by others in numerous contexts such as my relationship, health, and other life choices. I dint quite understand what they meant. They dint tell me what I should actually do.
Some of us might have moved through multiple jobs. We hated our previous job and wanted a new one, and we got it — only to find out it did not satisfy us a few months later. We might have also experienced going through multiple breakups or divorces, each time hoping things will change. We journey these experiences blaming our exes how bad they were for us. Many of us might want to look fit, be healthy, vibrant, and glow with positive energy. We go on with our lives hoping we will somehow reach our goals, but we just can't seem to catch a break. Nothing seems to change. Was it bad luck? Or despite our aspirations did we somehow unconsciously settle for less?
People don’t like to hear it(myself included), but there is a good chance you have settled for the life you are living right now. There is a common understanding that settling isn’t bad and it is part of life, especially once you reach a certain age. Settling for anything is bad for you where you can lose your sense of self and identity. Let’s look at some of the reasons why we settle and then, what we can do to overcome this limiting mentality.
Why do we settle?
If it is a common understanding that we should never settle, why do we end up doing it in the first place?
Studies show that one of the most common reasons is attributed to low self-esteem and low self-worth. Feeling a lack of confidence, incompetence or lack of worthiness could force us to hold on to aspects of our life that prevent our growth. People with low self-esteem are also hyper-vigilant to signs of rejection or inadequacy which could result in a defensive reaction to constructive criticism, hence not learning anything from the situation.
Fear of a threat is another factor why we settle. Our minds were designed to keep us safe from threats, and we make decisions in a manner that we are always kept safe, so we always avoid pain. This could refer to fear of being alone, fear of losing friends once you relocate, fear of not having an income, or fear of not being accepted. What's even worse is that the threat is probably not real and is amplified in our head. Despite better living conditions we have in our society today, fear is ironically triggered more often than before. We are more focussed on what we could lose, as opposed to what we could gain.
When I wanted to quit my first job right out of university, my colleague told me that I am making a huge mistake. She told me: “Do you know how many people don’t have a job? And you’re just going to throw this away for pursuing a higher education?”.
The truth is that there are tons of jobs out there, but our emotions don’t agree with logic and we are hence consumed by it.
“Comfort is the enemy of progress” — P.T. Barnum
I never thought that being responsible, loyal, and sticking to our values could have an effect on us settling in life. On the face of it, these are admirable qualities. However, if you are being loyal to a firm that doesn't take care of your welfare or if you are being responsible for someone who never takes care of themselves, you are driven by false hope and you are not doing right by yourself. You may think you can make a change in people. It is always worth trying, but know that people change only if they want to change.
I have a friend who told me that no matter what, she is going to work for her current employer for the next three years. Loyalty is a great attribute, but she hardly gets enough to pay her bills. Maybe there is a false hope of her salary going to become better, fear of changing her career or maybe it could be a feeling of lack of competency. Or maybe all of them? No one can tell.
There is nothing wrong in being true to your values, but it is a problem when your values work against you by creating a fixed mindset. Being open to possibilities, creates new opportunities that we deserve.
How to not settle?
The first step to avoiding settling, is to identify your low want high need. A low want high need is something you really need in your life but is not quite obvious; something that will be discarded since it doesn’t advertise itself its true worth. Identifying these needs is critical since they could be life-changing opportunities that come your way but you let it pass since it wasn’t enticing enough or appeared to be a non-essential part of your life.
Talk to yourself
You might be saying — I’m happy with what I have, why should anything change? If you are, great. It could be that you are not settling in many aspects of your life. I prefer to not use the term happy since happiness varies for different people and there could be days you are not happy, and that's perfectly ok. You don’t have to put up that fake smile or facade just to show you are happy. Fulfillment on the other hand is a lifelong goal you can work towards. Finding meaning in your life is the core of one’s life’s purpose.
We hear these words every other day but we don’t spend enough time asking ourselves what we need. This is not straightforward for many of us. The situation we are in, the information we need to deal with, the commitments that we have, clouds our thoughts and keeps us from spending time with ourselves. This is why we need to put ourselves in a situation where we are somewhat at peace. If you really cannot spend time to listen to yourself, there is another clue right there — its because you have settled on something else in your life.
We are also limited by what we know, and to further understand our needs, we need to experience things we haven’t experienced before. Trying a new dance class, going for yoga, traveling, or even relocating to a different part of the world gives us a whole new perspective on things while we learn from people, places, and situations. We must thrive on learning something new every day even if it wasn’t related to your daily work. When it comes to activities we often give priority to activities that provide an income. While there is nothing wrong with it, asking yourself “what would I do for free?” could change how you looked at things you did. This is powerful in understanding what you truly love to do, regardless of the remuneration or recognition you may obtain. It is also a fact that generating finances could always be a byproduct of what you love doing in the world we live in today.
Expanding our horizons is not limited to doing activities. It could also be buying things you haven’t tried out before. This could be as simple as upgrading some basic necessities where you work or stay.
I used to work with my laptop on a small table and stool during this COVID pandemic and used to be content with it. I did have fatigue and dint want to spend much time working in the same place. I was then given an allowance to buy a new standing table, comfortable chair and monitor — and now I’m like why dint I do it before? I did not even attribute my fatigue to a poor workplace and had settled for something that did not even realize was affecting my morale.
Recognize the “better”
If we reflect on our past, it would seem that some patterns repeat itself. It takes us a while to realize that a lot of things that dint happen for us was due to the choices we made, and yes, we need to make better choices. When we settle in any aspect of our life, we give up on better things that could have brought us great joy, meaning, and fulfillment. However, this is where some of us get lost. What does better mean?
“May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears.” — Nelson Mandela
It’s quite easy to choose better in terms of things that can be easily measured. This could be choosing a job that had better pay, choosing a partner based on looks, or buying a piece of equipment that was the most affordable. Choosing something by going beyond the surface is exhausting, and something we often give up on.
I once had to relocate to another country and had three job offers at hand. Since I was clueless, I was advised by a friend that I should make a chart and write pros and cons for each; then add scores to each quality for a workplace so I can get a total. I did the same, but somehow solving the problem did not give me satisfaction. It was the offer that had the highest pay but the result somehow did not bring me joy. What I did was pure logic. Emotion however, is hard to quantify. But once I listened to the logic, my emotions, and finally my gut, I was able to make the best choice, one that was risky and involved changing my career path. One that I did not settle for.
We could also be influenced in better by the bandwagon effect where we could be following others’ political choices, purchasing choices, or just simply queueing up at a restaurant for an hour even if subjectively better options were available. Most of us then live someone else’s life or start wanting things that are just popular. At the end of the day, we could be left unfulfilled and we then wonder why we don’t feel great.
“The more decisions that you are forced to make alone, the more you are aware of your freedom to choose” — Thornton Wilder
Understanding your non need emotions
It is important to note that there are some feelings/emotions that appear to be disguised as fear. A lack of desire for something is very real and we don’t have to push ourselves to pursue something because we have to beat a fear that is unrelated to settling. For example, you might have seen someone talk fluently in mandarin and might have thought it is so awesome to speak in that language, but you don’t pursue learning the language. Here, learning the language could have been just a high want and you have a lack of desire to learn the language, but was just enticed by the appearance of the result. Its perfectly ok to not pursue, if it wasn’t your need.
At the same time, laziness or fear could distort the understanding of our needs, hence making us settle in the process of trying not to settle. For example, I have many friends who have told me, “I just need a simple life”. I can assure you that 9 out of 10 times, what they really mean is that they need an easy life. Simple is not easy. In fact, simplicity and minimalism can be quite difficult to attain. It is a way of life and is definitely not an easier one.
It’s ironic that people who want an easy life aren’t the ones who actually have it.
There is also a misconception that finding our needs is a personality trait and that it’s not meant for everyone — that finding our need is the same as pushing ourselves by setting higher targets/goals, and that an ambitious life is not meant for everyone. Identifying your needs is not the same as chasing an ambition(aka strong desire). It is the high need in a person that appears as a strong desire when they pursue it; however when someone else adopts it as a strong desire, it rarely works out. For example, you don’t become an entrepreneur to make money or because you can't work for someone else. You become an entrepreneur because you want to solve problems on a large scale.
Ask yourself what YOU need, and not what your partner, employer, parents, or friends expect of you. This also helps us in differentiating our needs from high wants that are always advertised to us.
“No matter what you or I achieve, in sports, business, or life, we can’t be satisfied. Life is too dynamic a game. We’re either getting better or we’re getting worse.” — David Goggins
Make no mistake. Finding meaning in your life is your life’s purpose. You owe it to yourself and there is no other path to fulfillment.
If you feel like you’re lost, that's ok. We’re all lost.
How to create the reality you need?
While finding some peace and listening to your needs is the first step, it wouldn’t become a reality if you don’t work towards it. Working towards your needs should bring more life in you and it doesn’t really matter whether you are talented at it, have a low skill level, or lack the opportunity to showcase what you did.
Know yourself and Focus on possibilities
Some of us complain that the world is not a fair place. Yes indeed, it is not fair and it will never be. We need to let go of any victim mentality we have, and focus on being our best self. Increase your self-awareness and build your self worth with small wins for situations that were difficult for you. Be humble and be aware of your true self-worth. When we know more about ourselves we know what brings us fulfillment and what doesn’t. Be in-tune with your emotions and be honest about what you feel in addition to applying logic.
We might be disadvantaged in many aspects such as race, the way we look, where we come from, etc. It doesn’t matter where we started, but how far we have come and how far we are willing to go, to reach where we need to be. It doesn’t matter what you don’t have or why you won't be able to become the best; since those are not possibilities that enable your own growth. If you are sure of your need, become the best you can ever be.
“Nobody cares what you did yesterday. What have you done today to better yourself?” — David Goggins
At some point in our life, we might have felt like we deserve more than what we have, but are not competent enough to reach the level we need. This for example could be that job that has amazing work time flexibility, finding a partner that is a good listener, or have enough cash to afford a place of your own. These targets may be easy for some, but difficult for others. Amazing workplaces may be highly competitive to get into, finding a partner you can trust may be difficult in this digital age and you can't seem to save enough money to make that downpayment since the property prices keep rising. Usually, people just get bitter and sulk at work, settle for something telling that they can't make it. They get hurt in relationships and instead of pushing themselves harder, they become bitter themselves and show a lack of trust. To achieve what you need, you need to be willing to put yourself through something you have not done before. What you need to do, is always within you. You just don’t want to work towards that option since it’s so uncomfortable. You keep doing the same thing, expecting a different outcome. If you hate your job, your first thought shouldn’t be “I need to leave this place asap and get any other job out there”, it should be “I will strive hard until I get the job I need”; else the dreaded cycle always repeats.
“Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” — Martin Luther King Jr.
I had the opportunity to talk to a retired navy seal and he told me — “you are a lot stronger and talented than you think you are”. He could see right through me. When people asked about my achievements or hobbies, I used to stay silent or feel like I need to come up with something fake. I always believed that while we could achieve all that we need in some aspects of our life, we had to compromise in others and that we could never have it all — this couldn’t be further from the truth. Let go of thoughts like “I can't” or “I will never”. You become what you tell yourself, and if you won’t be your own cheerleader, who else will?.
There are a lot of things we are capable of doing. If they belong to your high need list, pursue them. All of them.
Take risks, Embrace failure and Keep learning
Start by doing something different every day. This doesn’t have to be something big. Say Hi to an old friend or eat out at a new place. Doing something in variation might seem easy to someone who doesn’t do it. For example, the act of putting on your running shoes and going for a slow jog seems very simple. Yet I’d argue that it takes a certain mentality to push yourself out of your comfort zone to just do it with discipline. It’s not going to be very encouraging when you know you’re not very healthy and cant jog even a short distance; and that's ok. Know that you are better off than someone who did not try and today’s failure will push you towards achieving what you need.
“You might never fail on the scale I did, but some failure in life is inevitable. It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all — in which case, you fail by default.” — J. K. Rowling
There may be multiple needs you have identified previously and most likely these have been put under the rug since they dint seem important. Make time for these and go a little outside your comfort zone. Some of your needs may involve higher risk. The best we can do is perform a calculated risk and embrace the result either way. There is something you can learn. You can't possibly know about investing in a business if you don’t invest. You can't possibly learn about staying in a different country if you don’t relocate there. You can read about it and you must definitely do your research; so you can be prepared and make an informed decision, but not to run away from it.
“What you seek is seeking you.” — Rumi
Keep reading, keep learning, and apply them. As you experiment through life, you will be able to see what works and what doesn’t work for you. Refine your needs based on these learnings. Adapt to what you learn since the one who stops to adapt, stops growing. Soon you will learn that as you focus on your needs, your unique value grows with time. You are unique in your own way and you can create your own success story.
Choose to be around the right people
The people that surround us every day make a great deal of impact on our life. This could be at work, social or spiritual situations. Making the right choices in our life also includes choosing great friends. We can learn from people we hang out with while sharing with them the things we know. This also opens doors to possibilities we did not imagine and provides us with good social support. Before you know it, what they do and what they are, rubs off on you — be it a good or bad quality.
We were taught to prepare ourselves for the worst case in all life aspects — except in our relationships.
I did not know this but choosing the right partner is a very important (possibly the most important) aspect in our lives and all the more reason we should ask ourselves what kind of partner we need. You might think I’m stating the obvious, but it wasn't for me. We were told to be good at sports, at school, and in our careers, but there is a lack of knowledge passed down when it comes to relationships.
As iron sharpens iron, So one man sharpens another — Proverbs 27:17
Just like your career, contrary to what movies show us, relationships are something we should really work hard towards and it's not something that just happens. The work that needs to be put in is a little different though. It’s more to do with learning more about ourselves, improving ourselves, and knowing what we need in a partner. We might want someone who agrees with all our views, but what we probably need is someone who challenges us.
I hope this article gives you some insights on why we settle and how not to settle in life, be it mental, emotional, physical, interpersonal, or spiritual.
Live your life to the full — you’ve only got one.
Thanks for reading
