Battle tactics for toddlers and engineers
The scene begins with dramatically rolled eyes. Eyes rolled with such intense inner turmoil that surely the head they live in is an angst-bomb that’s about to explode. Then the almighty “No!” violently escapes her sullen, pouty mouth, spoken in a booming ‘screw-you-lady-you’re-not-the-boss-of-me’ tone of voice. The drama-eyes look off into a fantasy world, dismissing me completely. A mouse is slammed to the table and all of a sudden, someone is not talking to me anymore.
This could either be my toddler after I tell her we are not watching yet another episode of Ruby and Max on iTunes (why does their Grandma not let them live with her?), or an engineer’s response to having to support an older version of Internet Explorer (or any version of IE, really). While not all engineers have the emotional maturity of a two-year-old, there are enough of them who are so terminally passionate about their chosen detailed-code-obsession that easygoing compromise isn’t always their go-to communication style. Fortunately, years of working in tech with strong-willed engineers has completely prepared me for “momming” a standard-issue toddler, so I have some wisdom to impart for anyone attempting to deal with either of these charming archetypes.
Put some food in their cry hole
Generally a lot of bad attitude and unreasonable behaviour for both toddlers and engineers can be avoided if kept well fed. But you want to avoid fast food or sugars because of childhood obesity and heart attacks, respectively. Plus, neither toddler nor engineer is much fun on a sugar-induced mood swing. Greasy foods end up on the fingers, which ends up on your walls, or in hard to reach crevices of keyboards. So the key is to have many easily accessible healthy finger foods (veggies and dips, fruits, nuts, healthy crackers and cheeses) so they can snack to their heart’s content and be less cranky when you need to ask them to do something they don’t want to do — which is almost anything.
Reward good behaviour
Toddler coddling with stickers, sugar-free candies or play time is nothing new or revolutionary. If you want one of the tiny human monsters to do something for you, then offer up these tokens with ease. It’s a harder thing to internalize as a tactic with grown-ups though. Yet, inexplicably, it super works. It is a lot easier to get grumpy people to do what you want if you give them fun little things to cheer them up or dangle a carrot on a stick in front of them (to be redeemed when the job is done). I’ve had many a conversation with other Project Managers who wanted to go with the “just do your fucking job” approach, but there are enough tech jobs out there that you may end up with a retention problem. Embrace your inner parent and suck it up.
Survive the tantrums
I’ve had many an engineer have a full on tantrum in front of me. No lie. “You can’t tell me what to do,” was my personal favourite line from a developer when I was the project manager at an ad agency, seconded by “You can’t say I’m not good at my job.” While you may want to shout, “It’s my job to own what you do!” that rarely gets you the desired outcome.
There are many theories as to what to do with the tantrum heavy toddler, including: time-outs, hug restraints, or completely ignoring them. These don’t usually work with engineers though. I like the approach of empathizing with their plight (no matter how unreasonable), offering up a little distraction and then letting them sort themselves out. For a toddler it looks like this: “Yes, it is sad that you can’t have another cookie. Mommy is sorry that you’re upset, but you can play with Legos right now if you’d like.” Then you allow the fit to continue if that doesn’t work. With an engineer it looks like this: “Yes, it is sad that half of our user base is on IE6,but they work in offices where they have no control over upgrading their browsers and if we don’t support them, we will not have pay cheques. You do have to fix that log in screen by tomorrow, but for right now you can play with Legos if you’d like.” As with the toddler, the fit might continue and you go off to drink in the dark.
Define a hostage negotiation approach
“We do not negotiate with terrorists” is fine and dandy when you’re just dealing with peoples’ lives, but what if someone is holding your code hostage near launch day? Or your ability to get some groceries and you are out of milk and diapers…or worse — out of tea? These are the things that really matter, people! Sometimes you do not have time to wait out a tantrum and just need action. This is when giving in is almost the only option. But you’re not really giving in, you’re just giving in…for now. Full scale placation is the only approach when you just need to take Screamy McScreamerson and affix him, bondage style, to the front of your bike (in a regulation child bike seat) so that you can get the food you need to live. There is no reasoning with the toddler-monster, and the return policy on children is spotty at best.
Here is where dealing with the toddler-engineer is a little better. You can (at the very least) fire an engineer. They know it, you know it, and presumably, they kind of like their job. So, the above approaches should be all you need to handle any toddler-style unreasonable behaviour. Holding code hostage is a complete dick move. Anything above and beyond general grumpiness should really lead to dismissal after a few warnings. You are, after all, not their parent and people should be expected to behave with a little decorum at work. However, do try to placate them until after you’ve launched (eye on the prize), then you can feel free to send their ungrateful ass off to unemployment-military-school.
This too shall pass
As cumbersome as it may feel while navigating the tumultuous waters of the toddler/engineer tidal waves of misunderstood emotion, it is all working towards a common good. You love your child, who is in the process of learning how to be human and will eventually get over this stage of life. Plus, your kid is mostly awesome and these are transient traits heavily punctuated by regular kisses and cuteness. Your engineer (who may or may not be cute) is very good at their job, which is why they were hired. They are mostly great and helpful, plus they’re usually only bitchy about things that are, at heart, valid concerns. Addressing potential issues at the onset of projects generally nullifies toddler-engineer tantrums, so start there and hopefully you’ll never have to give anyone another time-out at the office.
