The day I didn’t die

It is one year today since I tried to kill myself.

On a Friday night I went home from work and decided that I wanted to die. A few hours later I was propped against the wall as my friend talked to me and told me to stay awake, that it was going to be ok and help…

Everything is a paradox

To be human is to be a paradox, the same person can be all things, good and evil, loyal and betraying, loving and hurtful.

There are days where my emotions go completely from one end to another and the people around me cop the full spectrum. There are times…

It’s not an easy road

Kokoda is finished, leaving a massive space in my life that was filled with training, preparing and anticipation.

How do I explain the trek? From day one people were saying, ‘Expect the unexpected in PNG’, I didn’t expect how much I would fall in love with the…

But you’re so upbeat!

While I was doing Kokoda and speaking with the other people in the group they found it surprising that I have depression. They were shocked because they thought I was outgoing and confident, not the picture they have of someone who is depressed. I put it down to being on holidays and being…

A recursive loop of woe

I was walking to the tram during the week and ruminating or rather obsessing over a conversation that had happened the day before. I turned over each word that was said, berated myself for my responses and concluded I was a fool nobody could possible like.

Those who matter don’t mind

I’ve read people talking about depression and saying how they are grateful to have had it because it allows them to understand things better. Of course when I read this I was so low that I thought it was ridiculous. This week though I’ve begun to see it and I am grateful that…

The weight of it all

Sometimes you have a moment of clarity and it’s like a light bulb, everything is brighter and you feel refreshed and relieved. At other times a moment of clarity is more like a kick in the face or hitting your funny bone, it reverberates through you and leaves you feeling empty.

To risk my heart or close it

January 2011 and I’m sitting in a bar having a conversation with a random. A conversation that I have thought about more than anything else in nearly two years.

We were talking about relationships and he says, ‘when you like someone it doesn’t matter…