I have this bad habit when it comes to summarising a concise and cogent email to my bosses. In an over-zealous attempt to shove as much information as possible, I would sneakily make use of my handy pal, the parentheses, to plant additional information insidiously in the main text. I gleefully think that the reader would probably be under the illusion that he or she is reading a well-written piece of report, straight to the point, cutting to the chase without realising that the volume of text read would in fact, had almost been the same if I have omitted these parentheses and made what were supposed to be “additional” information — to be part of the actual text instead.

By now, it’s not difficult to see why and when people use parentheses in their writings. In fact, I could purport a couple of reasons that may not be grammatically-driven. Even though the official use of parentheses seems to suggest to us that there are always “opportunities” for us to elaborate on our points even though by reflecting the additional information in the main text would somehow render a piece of writing verbose. I can’t help but also think that the parentheses also offer relief to anyone who is really bad in summarising a piece of passage or simply, just too indecisive in discarding or retaining information that should or should not be in the main text or whose lexicon just isn’t adequately evolved to be able to substitute phrases and ideas with mere words that would have otherwise, also convey the same meaning as those phrases.

Let’s dive a little deeper to deconstruct what goes into the parentheses. Are those information just supplementary in nature, good- to- know kind of information? Not necessarily though. Have you ever had to clarify someone’s comment or a particular statement or phrase or even modify the style of expression in a piece of writing? If yes, you might have inserted parenthetical remarks to bring forth the much needed clarity or modification. The written piece might not be more polished than before but it surely would have helped in accurately conveying the intended message across to the reader.

Well, whoever invented this so-called inconspicuous parentheses to convey additional information or elaboration required to sharpen the intended message across to the reader probably knew a thing or two regarding how humans perceive the notion of “bracketing” words. It depends on how you approach this. For me, sometimes the brackets are like God-sent opportunities for me to add and clarify; to say the things I need to say, yet these things shouldn’t be said in the main text as most readers might consider them insignificant to take up their precious capacity in reading them. These readers can make an informed choice on whether they want to read what you have to say in the brackets or they can just simply skip them, reading just the main text to get a grasp of what they think they need or ought to know and be knowing. Some discerning readers might either be doubtful or even curious about what exactly goes on behind the scene when they come across certain ideas or information presented to them in brevity. For instance, the demographic profile of the respondents from which the survey results were derived from in a brief abstract of a market research report or what a colloquial phrase exactly means.

So, I have been going on and on about the perceived ‘wonderful’ uses of parentheses in writing. What has it got to do with potentially ‘altering’ lives? It doesn’t, if we take it quite literally. But if you get to author your life story, won’t you be excited about the prospect of being able to keep inserting parenthetical remarks over and over knowing very well that you cannot really erase your past and your past will somehow influence your present and your future as well? Sure, we all heard about people telling us that it is possible to “re-write our stories” and I’m not disputing this since, from a macro perspective, it does make sense since what has happened to you in the past does not necessarily correlates and direct your present and your future. What I am saying is this — were there instances in your past where you thought you could have clarified a little more, fight a little more, defend a little more or voice out a little more? And by doing so, it could have altered your life course, saved you from unnecessary heartaches or even to reclaim justice?

I think that some of us really see our past as chapters that have been concluded, done and dusted, destined to be stacked away somewhere into the abyss of our memories. I’m not even talking about the ‘distant’ past. In fact, think about a ‘recent’ past; an event that just happened or perhaps, is ongoing as you read on. Do you really think that it’s too late for you to say something, to interject and say what you need to say, what you need to voice out or what you need to clarify? Or do you think that there is no way you can ever defend yourself anymore or no one is really going to listen to you or believe you anymore? Or perhaps, you are still foolishly hoping that the perpetrator or whoever you are dealing with will somehow understand what you meant, your intentions and empathise with you through (ahem) “telepathy” (pardon me for being corny)?

And therefore, you choose to keep silent. You choose not to insert any parenthesis in your story.

When I was doing my Master’s degree in the Social Sciences, I remembered vividly how one of my professors kept drumming into us an idea which I found rivetingly odd back then. A few of my classmates and I had decided to embark on critical discourse analysis for our capstone paper and we were so excited about going out to run interviews with people; to TALK to people. After all, you need to get the transcript, the texts for further analysis. Basically, we were just so engrossed with the idea of getting our interviewees to speak, to voice out their thoughts — what they were happy with, what they were upset about, how they would like to improve the situation etc. So, needless to say, I spent much of my time perfecting the interview questions and I was all raring to go. The first couple of interviews went pretty well, at least, they fitted my expectation or how I would have expected the interviews to turn out. Not with the remaining though. I sheepishly suspected the interviewees to be mute or deaf. They either didn’t talk much or they just cruelly end your questions with an absolute “yes” or “no”. Absolutely no way to squeeze out a decent transcript of spoken text from them.

I think I must have felt miserable then. So, my ever-brilliant professor came by and told me, “in fact, the most powerful piece of evidence that would corroborate closely with the realities is often embedded in the unspoken word”. I almost went berserk with a, “What?” Now, you are talking to someone who has devoted all her life (at least up to the undergraduate level) studying the natural sciences and spending her days in the laboratory cultivating friendly bacteria culture. My DNA screams “evidence-based” in almost everything I do, my decision-making, my logical reasoning and now, my professor was telling me that I’m not going to hear anything and that SILENCE is going to be the most powerful piece of evidence ever. And yes, the discourses of the society comprises the narratives and rhetoric that are being talked about often, as pretexts to more deeper issues that are entrapped in the unseen, the unheard, the unfelt and the unspoken.

I don’t profess to know exactly why many words or thoughts that could have been expressed went unexpressed. Perhaps, you did, once or twice, tried to sound out. But these words went like dead leaves, scattered to the ground before it reaches the person who is supposed to be your ‘listener’. Or perhaps, the words reached your ‘hearer’, but he or she didn’t really listen, they just simply heard it and hence, you remained stuck in your situation. Sometimes, you might be searching for the courage, that octane fuel to propel you to speak out in the face of perceived threats. In some cases, you just cannot find the right word, the right way to express exactly what you want to say, especially when you are consumed by a myriad of emotions that robbed you of your ability to articulate your pains with precision. This is almost similar when your well-meaning but impatient buddy keeps pressing you to describe with precision and accuracy the exact type and nature of tummy pain you are experiencing! It can be a sharp pain, a dull pain, a throbbing pain, but I just find that our man-made lexicon can sometimes be so limited in enabling us to express the various shades of emotions flooding our hearts. This is especially so when we are so oxymoronic too. For instance, we can be enjoying a ‘guilty pleasure’ or experiencing a “bitter-sweet” moment.

I guess the worst way to ‘artificially silence’ someone is through a deliberate and protracted process of ‘gaslighting’. Through ‘gaslighting’, the perpetrator not only seeks to discredit the victim but also seeks to plant ‘doubting thoughts’ by oscillating between affirmation and blame through insinuations or slandering, hidden amidst the occasional affections and praises. Exactly like how the psychological thriller film released in 1944, Gaslight portraying how a woman was manipulated by her husband into believing that she is going insane because she couldn’t explained why she kept seeing the gaslights ‘flicker’ in the house. In actual fact, her husband had tempered with the attic lights to stage the entire act.

So, can you insert a parenthesis today to at least, attempt to dispel what others may think about you? Or even if you have gotten it all wrong others’ perception about you, at least you have done yourself a great favour by labelling yourself with the ‘authentic and correct label’. Don’t give others a chance to label you instead. I’m not asking you to wear all your thoughts and emotions on your sleeves but at least, don’t just stay silent or be agreeable with others’ assessment of you when you are truly not what they have made you out to be. Yes, we secretly hope that everyone around us can be sensitive and perceptive creatures, cutting us some slack here and there. Yet, we have to sometimes come to terms with the fact that not everyone is going to and will make the effort to unearth what’s really going on beneath your skin. And that’s partly why people brand and position themselves as well. That said, we need to also exercise wisdom and humility to say what is needed and to say it only at the moment when needed.

Stop putting yourself on mute. Be prepared to insert parentheses to clarify your thoughts, to clarify your actions to others. Not only can you try to influence others perception about you; most importantly, you can at least find peace with yourself by breaking the silence.

I have this bad habit when it comes to summarising a concise and cogent email to my bosses. was originally published in epiphanic by a drifting leaf on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

In the distant past, young women were betrothed to men either at birth or to those they have known in their lives. I’m sure some family members will have to keep assuring them that their future husbands are going to care for them and will treat them nicely and with respect and will protect them and will be there for them, going through the trials in life.

I’m also quite sure that these poor girls must be feeling so jittery about what the future lies ahead of them. The unnerving experience of not ever knowing whether their future husbands will really turn out to be what have been described, or at least, meets their partial expectations, was enough to keep the ladies’ hearts on tenterhooks. I guess some of them just live on, waiting while moderating their expectations to the minimum so that they will not be too disappointed if the man turns out to be a jerk. Others may just declare an early bail-out by escaping to somewhere overseas if they have the means to do so. I think perhaps there was also a small number of ladies who might have went on to immerse themselves with a confident expectation that the marriage will turn out great. And back then, some of these couples have had the opportunity to catch up over dinner or tea time prior to getting hitched for real. And this is where everyone’s worries (including the men as well; to be fair, I think some men were worried too if they will get to marry a shrewd!) are kind of addressed, not totally dispelled, but at least, you get to see and interact with the person in real life.

So, what if we can make a date with God and perhaps, Jesus, the Son of God? We hear about God and Jesus’ ministry on earth; Their hearts towards us as little beloved children in church. We read about God in the bible; we read what Jesus said in the gospels. We heard about others’ testimonies on how God’s grace have blessed them and their families. But, some of us are still wondering if when will God ever ‘show up’ in their lives. If anything, I agree with what God has to say about us, human beings with puny brains with severely limited capacity to operate the way God operates. Yet, I still attempt to ‘crack the code’ a little (of course, to no avail). I somehow think that or perhaps God has spoken to me, that God… operates in the opposite way with respect to our normal standards, our so-called reasonable expectations and logic. It’s pretty much like, you want to sit, He asked you to walk; you think going left should be the case, but He asked you to go towards the right; you wanted him to badly to stop the illness from taking away your loved ones, but sometimes, He let them go be with Him instead. So, logically (so I thought again using my puny brain), perhaps, this is how God would operate! Yet, it can’t be. It’s beyond just weird for us to say, pray for your love ones to remain sick so that God will heal them based on this ‘logic’. Again, I rest my case.

The whole point is, I’m seriously perturbed. Of course, well-meaning folks will advise me to quit guessing, deciphering, conjecturing who God really is and just have faith and to trust in His finished work. Then in Hebrews 11:1 NKJV (expounding the whole laundry list of “faith”), we actually see a definition of “faith” — Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. While theoretically, I can understand what “faith” is, but, I struggle over and over again to get to the utilitarian aspect of yielding faith, summoning faith, finding faith in my pockets, perhaps? I ask God this question repeatedly, “so, faith is an intangible substance, do I seek it like it’s hidden under my bed or something, or do I build it by, perhaps, chanting beneath my breath every single minute that “I must have faith, I must have faith…” so that the statement gets branded onto the flesh of my heart? Dead silence from God again.

But, like what others have said, God speaks to you through others, or through some random events or even through your surroundings. So, God might have answered my nagging question about the practical application of faith long ago or, He might have been repeating the answers tirelessly through the countless sermons preached! Here come my next headache (some might call me an obstinate pseudo-believer who kind of believe but yet wonders why). Perhaps I can’t trust myself? I’m not sure if that was God’s answer to me, or it was my own flesh speaking or it was from the devil. I’m sure I’m not the only one struggling in this circular internal arguments with myself. That’s why God says we must have ‘child-like faith’ to believe which for the grown-ups, it’s simply called “naive”. But I must say that such ‘happy-go-lucky’ folks don’t get plagued by these arguments as much as I do. They simply just BELIEVE God. And that’s for them, getting into the kingdom of heaven is so much short-circuited and effortless, unlike me… I guess I have to take an exceptionally long and arduous and bumpy route where often, you just feel like going off-course and abandoning the race.

So, I need God to “show up”. But often, like what one pastor had said, “God sometimes don’t just show up according to our plans, but according to His plans so that He can SHOW OFF!” Ok, well, guess we have to be under the weather quite a bit while waiting for God to make sashay in…I think God is almost telling us that we will be wiser on hindsight. There are a couple of mental habits here, basically centred around the main theme “trust”. God is always telling us, “Give Me the benefit of the doubt” or “have an expectation of good, something positive will definitely ensue”. Many scenes depicted in the bible bring its audiences’ heart to their mouth. One of the famous scenes showed how Jesus was still fast asleep when His disciples were caught up panicking amidst a raging storm! Because Jesus knew what was happening and what will soon happen. His poor disciples, like you and me, were like, going topsy-turvy fighting to stabilise their footing in the boat! Hence, my take is this — as long as we can break through the barrier of knowing with confidence that God knows, then we will truly be free.

Of course I can’t. Who cannot agree with me that the moment by moment angst, frustration, disappointment, bitterness that you feel, these emotions are pounding and gnawing at your heart while you open your eyes in the morning, when you sit at the dinner table waiting for your toasts to be ready, when you switch on the water heater and stare at the shower head blankly. The miniscule moments, frame by frame — every frame bears a fresh scar inflicted by these negative emotions. You can’t ask the pains to skip a few frames though… Sometimes, I find that it might help a little by role-playing Jesus! I often ask myself to be in His shoes. “If I am Jesus, standing right next to myself, I will tell her that I know the way out. Of course you can’t see the way out, because if you can, then there’s no role for me to play as a Saviour to the world!” Overtime, I don’t know if I just gave up, I just grew tired or I just simply let go, whatever you call ‘ it; I just stop asking “why” and “what” to Jesus or to the air around me. I think that this might be what others often spoke about, the essence of humility. It takes million of years (ok, I’m exaggerating here; but I just want to drive across the point that it will take a long time like, eons) for human beings to dismantle their doubts, fear and pride. If you are on a weary journey fighting and defending everyday, then trust me, you will eventually cast out your doubts, fear and pride because, you have nothing left to gain or to lose and you have no more energy and resources left anyway. When you become that trance-like floating entity, then I guess you might have a good chance to really experience God’s immeasurable grace.

Hence, it’s not so simple to just “gather up your faith” or “just trust”. If it’s really that simple, I won’t need to set an open invitation to get God out for a cuppa. Perhaps, I am like Thomas, I just need to feel Jesus for real, to touch His scars. I want to be assured that I will eventually triumph over my raw wounds which have been exposed since and that these wounds will surely heal to form glorious scars in a matter of time, reminding me that I am an overcomer in Christ.

Well, let me go get a cuppa first myself before I send out the invitation in a while.

In the distant past, young women were betrothed to men either at birth or to those they have known… was originally published in epiphanic by a drifting leaf on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Singapore has been touted by many to be a foodie paradise. Local delicacies such as the chili crab, Hainanese chicken rice, satay, Char Kway Teow have not only captured the palates of the locals but have also made their way to garner multiple accolades at the international culinary scene.

I cannot deny that the island state has proven its worth in the culinary world and I am much a beneficiary from the abundance of delectable food that often laced my dining table. Yet, my mental model of the act and intent of eating and the food that I choose to put into my mouth is pretty complex to many; to the point of unfathomable for some. ‘You are what you eat’, this statement sounds so cliche; yet, it’s so true. Growing up in a lower-middle class family, I honestly never really put much thoughts into the types of food and how food has been prepared but more on the accessibility of food. Meal times were rigidly fixed and my younger brother and I more or less have the same types of food everyday. I suspect because I am a Hakka and hence, I was exposed to greasy food with high sodium content such as pork belly stew, sesame oil chicken and some other exotic food such as fermented rice wine chicken stew, which I hardly can find today in mass market restaurants. Fortunately, I didn’t balloon in size despite living by the diet partly because my family wasn’t very well-to-do back then and hence, the array of rich and fatty food wasn’t a regular fixture at meal times! Due to the financial strain, my younger brother and I also did not have the luxury of zipping through McDonald’s on a regular basis. My only memory was on my younger brother chomping away on packets of French fries if we ever did get the chance to pop by the fast food chain.

Regrettably, I fell prey to the alluring taste of fried chicken and Char Kway Teow as I transitioned into adolescence. I mean, people around me kept assuring that I was under a puberty ‘spurt’ (or ‘spell’ I guess…) and hence, it was perfectly reasonable to go on a eating spree. It didn’t help when my peers were like me and we ended up reinforcing one another’s meal choices. After school, we will hang out at KFC and the three-piece chicken meal complete with fries and a cola was the highlight to an otherwise, dull day of mugging hard in school. We ravenously downed our food, eating and laughing away heartily. Even though we were pubescent girls; but none of us has had the slightest concern over bulging waistlines. Thinking back, perhaps our enormous appetite could be attributed to the high intensity of physical activities that we were involved in.

My weight dipped almost by a quarter and I was visibly skinnier in appearance as I began my first year in the university. I couldn’t quite recalled the cause of the drop in weight but I was quite certain there wasn’t any eventful occurrence that hit nor was I on a deliberate weight loss scheme. Regardless, I rode on the ‘newfound body’ and focussed on maintaining if not, bringing down my weight further. Naturally, my food choices changed. The food options were narrowed. My meal times were disrupted as I have to munch on morsels of food quite frequently. Interestingly, I developed an unhealthy conception about my food choices which I can’t really shake it off even until today. Neurotically, I have convinced myself that it’s ok to have junk food BUT in small quantities. From then on, I like to indulge myself in rich fondant cakes, desserts and chocolates and I can have them as a main course. We’ve heard many cases where “victims” who are on this kind of diet developing “conflicting emotions of guilt and pleasure” where they feel immense guilt after partaking in an impulsive moment to indulge themselves in junk food. But oddly, I don’t have that feeling when it comes to having sweet stuff but I do when I attempt to have savoury food. Nutritionally, both are equally “devilish” in delivering the same detrimental effect on my health and waistline, but somehow, I managed to sub-consciously “switch off” and be more “magnanimous” to my sweet little friends.

And I am very selective about the desserts that I will eat. Only quintessentially English or French pastries, cakes, tarts and the likes make it to my gourmet list. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a spoilt brat but there’s this unexplainable charm about beautifully crafted pastries with quality ingredients that captivates me. Of course, it’s impossible to get an endless supply of such food on a regular basis and what’s my next best alternative? Enter the American coffee culture. Everyone around me knows exactly where to get food for me and this is so fool proof that I always thought that I’m a simple person who’s not picky with food. BUT, everyone else thinks otherwise. No matter where I am, in Singapore, in Cambodia, in Taipei, in London, in Shang Hai, meals are never a problem to me because of STARBUCKS. The first meal I have whenever I arrived at a foreign land is to make a beeline to the nearest Starbucks outlet that’s near to my hotel. It’s more than the food and coffee that I craved for; it’s more of a sense of familiarity and comfort from the food and coffee they served to the interior deco and to the way the order system operates. There is consistency and this consistency is so important to me especially when you are in a foreign land. You don’t have to figure out the food to order and if it suits your taste; you don’t have to figure out how to place and order and where to collect your food. You might think that what I’ve brought up are of little concern, but imagine this if you are in a place where you can’t communicate in their native language. The “autopilot” mode helps!

I’m not sure about you but I do appreciate a ‘modular’ concept adopted by food vendors, allowing customers to customise their food. This is sorely lacking in Asian cuisine and I think this is partly why I tend to avoid especially, Chinese cooked food (except for economic rice). The ability and freedom for customers to choose and customise what they need and how much they need is important but often overlooked. I think it doesn’t make economical sense to offer a spread of ingredients and to enlist manpower to prepare customised options on the spot. That’s why I have to pay a premium for ‘freedom’. I really don’t know if this has something to do with cultural constructs or it’s purely driven by the economics. I’ve been to a couple or places in Australia e.g. Perth, Melbourne and you know what? I am really impressed by the sense of ‘inclusivity’ that the Aussies have even demonstrated through the making of food choices. The point that I want to make goes beyond just the carnal desire to have the combination of ingredients, sauces in order to fulfil your palate or to keep within a caloric limit. This speaks volumes on the civic progression of a society manifested through the simple act of rightfully, putting decision-making and responsibility back to the consumer. It’s not about allowing customers to add, subtract or substitute the sauces, protein, the greens like doing a mix-and-match in a salad bowl. It’s also about offering dietary choices like vegan-only, gluten-free options, oat or soy milk alternatives etc.

One may argue that as consumers, we can simply just discard away the stuff that we don’t like such as removing the bacons when we just really need the eggs. Yet, it just doesn’t seems right for someone else to stuff something down your throat when you don’t even want it in the first place but because everything comes in a package and the act of discarding away or omitting the stuff that we don’t want, is deferred to us. Often, I also get the feeling that I need to be “throwing the baby out together with the bath” because they can’t remove the bratwurst sausages from the all-day breakfast platter. It is also really frustrating when you have to frantically search for the seafood or vegetarian version of the Korean soup which they only offer with beef, chicken or pork. And usually, I end up walking out of the eatery.

The frustrations really get to me and I end up spending a good 30 to 45 minutes scrolling through the food delivery options. Eventually, I gave up by adhering to getting the same old food because I so decided that I have enough exhausting my time and energy scouring the endless list of food items that doesn’t fit my bill anyway. You’ve guessed it right by now if you are thinking that I am definitely a very bad dinner date. To be fair, I’m not a total atheist too. I can still somehow get to order something reasonable enough to fill my tummy and often, the eateries (especially the western cafes) are quite accommodating to my request to customise my meal. Yet, there is still this awkwardness amongst the rest when they somehow feel that they are obliged or responsible for your ‘diminished enjoyment’ of food when they think that you have been “short changed” to having only a limited set of food options from the menu. Next, some of the eateries can’t really do a ‘professional” customisation of a meal, meaning, they either compromise the quantity or somehow, the meal doesn’t really look aesthetically appealing after customisation.

If you managed to keep your cool and read the article up to this point without judging me. I thank you for your patience and trust that I am not a spoilt brat. Some people around me think that I am. I guess culturally, no one expected my constant struggle with food choices. The accepted rhetoric is to just eat and not to complain or comment. And if you limit your food intake or choose to substitute certain dietary components in you food, some of them think that you are either not counting your blessings or you are just trying to be problematic. I don’t think this is a laughing matter or anything that is of insignificance as it can potentially cause strife amongst relationships and constant struggles within yourself because half the times you are wondering if there’s something wrong with you or with others when it comes to eating. Then I have people chiding me with sarcasm that I’m just circling around in a ‘first world’ problem and that I will for sure, snap out of this ‘little struggle’ of mine during war time. True. I agree, because beggars can’t be choosers by then.

The most drastic shift to my food preferences occurred after my second trip to Perth. During my short stay, I literally fell head over heels with the rustic breakfasts with creamy organic farm eggs and fresh avocado on toasts and I also opted for vegan meals a couple of instances and oh man, they tasted great! It was a pivotal experience for me as who would even think that vegan food is tasty? So, after coming back, I never looked back on dropping meat (except for seafood) from my diet. Again, this decision ruffled some feathers, without fail. My friends and family members around be couldn’t quite fathom the life-changing moment. Some even thought I caught up with some brahmins during the trip! Almost everyone gave that disbelief-yet-trying-to-be-supportive look. Again, meal times became ever more awkward and of course, the strife intensified. I would make my own pumpkin puree, smashed my own avocado and pair them with loads of berries for lunch. There was a period where I would religiously swear by my good ‘ol overnight oats with almond milk, acai powder and mixed nuts for lunch and I was as happy as a lark! Without fail, there will always be some suspecting folks who came by to ask if I was on a crazy weight loss regime. Hell no! I just felt exceptionally ‘clean’ with my diet.

I’ve been reflecting about the evolution of my food choices and I bet I can write a lot more on this topic. My love-hate relationship with food goes way beyond the culinary sense. There are certainly, many threads or factors that has played and will continue to play a complex but important part in influencing my relationship with food. I can easily highlight a couple of them — cultural factors, social factors, my ethnicity, level of affluence and the last attribute which I find it tough to articulate. There are very strong mental associations I formed between certain types of food and the specific concepts, phenomenon, ideals, social constructs etc. Just to give an example here — I have this unwavering view about associating meat, especially red meats with the temperament and psyche of men; and broadly, with the patriarchal system which seems to be quite an abhorrence to me. I don’t know how I could ever have possibly conceived such a contrive idea and worst, convinced myself totally to abstain from meat altogether. I suspect that the seed was first insidiously planted in me during my trip to Perth. The next reinforcement came when I watched the “Game Changer”, a documentary released on Netflix which focussed on how athletes successfully switched to plant-based diet. Then, I got hooked on. I went to the library and to the indie bookstores in search of commentaries or books written on the socio-cultural aspects on food and its relationship with people, various classes of people. And yes, what I’ve read further concretised and affirmed the idea that I have had about food and what it means to me.

I hope I’ll be able to share in greater details about what exactly goes on in my mind with regard to how I wrestle with my food choices day in and day out, against the socio-cultural backdrops. There are at least 1001 decision factors plotted on a super complex matrix that goes on in my head whenever it’s meal time. Not kidding you. I hope I’m not the only one who seems to be sucked into this immortal battle. I’m still trying to reframe my relationship with food to see a better light to things. I really hope that someone who’s somewhere out there will somehow identify with what I have been talking about. Alright, time to sign off before my tummy rumbles for FOOD.

Singapore has been touted by many to be a foodie paradise. was originally published in epiphanic by a drifting leaf on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

I had wanted to pen a poem, describing the inner strength, beauty and the delicate thoughts and emotions exuded by women. I gave up. Penning a few proses might do injustice on the opinions I needed to express and besides, I couldn’t quite articulate and express my heartfelt thoughts about the emotional and psychological stirrings that are constantly keeping us, women, in our place.

Jokes aside for being a ‘happy feminist’, my intention is not to decorate or celebrate women of history on their achievements or martyrdoms. Nor am I here to chastise women for their seeming foolishness when they are besotted with men or rather, the ideals of love or the prospects that love is supposed to bring about. I don’t know much about men. Or rather, God has whispered into my ears that it’s not my job to dissect and interpret men because He has made them the way they are anyway! So, in case you start refuting my opinions here; my point is this — what I’m going to say is going to be biased because God has made me to think, to function and to perceive as a woman.

Let me also get this clear — what I’m about to share are not evidence-based; I’m not interested to bore everyone including myself with what the experts say, what the guru say and what studies have shown. Yet, I try not to oversimplify or over-generalise my observations. Often, I engage in what I called, “contemplative practices” — reflecting about not just my life, but on everyday encounters with people, at the workplace, at the malls; on societal trends to even how pop culture is depicting, in this case, the struggles and sensibilities that women face. I am also spending considerable time with God, to trace the origins of the great gender divide and on what God has to say about the interactions between men and women.

In the case of pop culture, metaphorical images have often been used to symbolise womanhood, transition into womanhood, captivating beauty, vanity, vivaciousness, courage and tenacity in the face of despair or challenge and of course, vulnerability. I’m not a movie-goer but the only films I will spare some time to watch belong to the biographical, historical account kind of genres. Since young, I have always been mesmerised and fascinated by historical accounts of life in the English Court, especially during the period 1500s — 1600s (think about the Tudor era, reformation of England period). This was a period marked by great upheavals with constant clashes between the Protestants and the Catholics through politicisation. One would agree that the political mayhem during this era would have made very good plot twists for a Hollywood movie and they sure did.

What I am more interested is this — I often wonder how women living in this era experience their lives, the anguish, torment of being accused and tried, thrown into the dungeons without trial. I wonder what might have gone through the minds and the hearts of the women sovereigns (we have a couple of queens like Queen Elizabeth I, Mary Queen of Scot, Anne Boleyn, Catherine of Aragon etc.) as they struggle to rule their kingdom fraught with not only political and religious upheavals, but more so, the disappointing acts of men whom they have trusted.

Fast forward to 2020. The narratives surrounding womanhood — the roles that we play or are expected to play at home, at the workplace or in the society; the behaviours that are acceptable to ourselves and to others; the dreams that we continue to dream despite being suppressed by circumstances — all these did not change much. They just took on a different form, in a slightly different shade.

Asymmetrical Evolution

I can’t help but to suspect that the ceaseless conflicts entangling both men and women, from gargantuan issues to the littlest ones like what to have for dinner, has something to do with ‘flawed evolution’. It’s almost like both genders (underscore the specific use of word ‘gender’ here), how they interact with each other, their respective perspectives and expectations on each other, didn’t really catch up with the order of the day. If we think about the mentalities and the roles that each gender plays beginning from the Garden of Eden until the present day, we may be still using almost the same lens to perceive and to react when it comes to addressing or solving the issues presented to us today. An irony is this — while women fight to install equality or at least, equity on gender-related issues, I would say a good number of us haven’t quite evolve fast enough in the way we relate to men as evident in the way we manage our relationships with them.

While women goes about proclaiming their rights and asserting their capabilities in the open, our fundamental sense of self is still pretty much anchored to age-old rhetoric surrounding child-bearing responsibilities, submission to husbands as a virtue and the biblical depiction of women as temptresses. And yes, some of us continue to believe and behave in the same manner since pre-historic times. For men, they continue to uphold their views and expectations about how women should behave and how their wives should behave, again, ironically being fuelled by the beliefs from their very own mothers. Of course, pop culture did little to help cast a new light on the need to evolve the gender relationship when we continue to celebrate love and romance in a certain way and how those timeless portrayals of the greatest love stories ever told tend to be those classics that we will rewind again and again (Think “Titanic” where being loved means the need to be “protected” and to be “heard”).

Corporate Powerhouse or Argumentative Bi**ch?

Some men really detest women who call the shots in the boardroom. The intense debates and rationalisations put forth by women sometimes come across as affronts to men’s masculinity. I mean, who can blame men when they have been wired in a certain way? No number of perspective-taking exercises can help both men and women “walk in each other’s shoes”. I may be guessing here, but I think it probably takes double or triple the effort for women to earn the respect from her male counterparts and at the same time, taking another triple or if not, quadruple the effort to dispel any remote suggestion of under-table hanky-panky. I sometimes wonder how assertiveness can be communicated by women without being perceived as argumentative.

Again, I guess one of the ancient virtues (I think this still applies now) relates to how a graceful woman or wife should hold her tongue and be submissive. But my point is, this would work very well in a patriarchal society. For all we know, the women who lives under a patriarchal system may well be seething with resentment for having to hold their opinions to themselves because of man-made rules. So, as with other forms of human behaviours and they are being modified; the instruments and structures we put in place implicate and confound men and women to behave in certain ways on the surface, to fulfil the agenda or desires of various groups of people. Perhaps deep down, the fundamental yearnings to be human longing for intimacy, acceptance and belonging, didn’t change after all.

Raw Vulnerability

As human beings, we are vulnerable, regardless of being a man or a woman. Even the greatest heroes of our times have their fair share of vulnerabilities. In case you immediately associate ‘vulnerability’ with the state of being ‘weak’, I would like to offer you a more accurate view of what it means to be ‘vulnerable’. As how Brene Brown has purported the state of being “vulnerable” in her book, “Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone” — The definition of vulnerability is “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our most accurate measure of courage”. And all these lead to the hard question that we asked ourselves as women: ‘Are we willing to show up and be seen when we can’t control the outcome?’

For most of us whose raw emotional nerves have been wounded time and time again, the answer to the question is likely to be a “No”. Especially in the world we live in today where we conduct our lives based on immediacy and fulfilling our needs instantaneously. Everything seems to be highly controlled and calibrated with almost zero margin of error. Our confidence on virtually every decision, every policy we make, are set at sky-rocket levels. Imagine losing control or even just relinquishing a little bit of control amidst a highly structured life. Because this sense of control is insatiable and it’s so tightly coupled with our sense of worth (since we kind of reason that our accomplishments and how capable we are result from how well we control the upstream course of actions), we find it very disconcerting to “let go”.

So, what happens then? As women, we tend to our pile up heaps of defences — playing down the need for a shoulder to cry on when we are upset, buffing up our mental toughness to prevent any possible attack from others that we don’t really have what it takes to be at where we are and swallowing bitter pills of lonesomeness as a deliberate choice we make to disengage to minimise conflicts.

Pride and Prejudice?

Men might agree with me on this, “Women are conflicted beings”. I think we sometimes are. We are truly vulnerable, but we want to appear invincible and yet we wonder why no one thinks we are vulnerable and we cry over it. If we choose to lay expose our vulnerabilities and when others do not know how to handle your vulnerabilities, it will be detrimental anyway and we cry over it too. So, it’s not a matter of pride. It’s never a matter of pride. It’s more of getting to an effective way and possibly, time to communicate our vulnerabilities. Yet sadly, it still takes two hands to clap. You can have the most brilliant articulation ever but you just keep on communicating them to the wrong audience. This is when you probably know that it’s not about your own shortfalls anymore. Some men are just plain prejudiced about women’s intent. Their lenses are so heavily coloured that every single word that comes through are marred by presumptions and inferences. Same goes with the some women as well.

Emotional Blackmail or Bargain

The universal perception that women is the weaker of both sexes tends to feed men’s claims on how women can and will play this “weakness” to their advantage whenever they fail to broker a deal. Perhaps this is true for some couples but it’s definitely skewed to generalise the notion of women having such an unfair advantage over men. To be fair, even men can resort to using this “armament” but let’s not degenerate this conversation. My point is, everyone is capable of using emotions such as greed and guilt to manipulate others. And again, it takes two hands to clap here. You don’t have to fall prey to emotional blackmailing if you suspect that the other party is doing this to you. That said, I think what women are driving at is more an “emotional bargaining”. This sounds almost like haggling over some stuff at the marketplace but I guess the psyche has been pretty much wired for us to do this. On the outset, this sounded rather transactional, however, what gives rise to this sort of mentality really stemmed from women having an untainted and faithful hope that her love will not go unrequited. Is this a selfish act of self-preservation and how do we view this vis-a-vis our lofty ideals of acts of selflessness? It all depends on the ideals and experiences that individuals are exposed to and we can all debate until the sun sets. What I can say is this — regardless, it doesn’t dilute the love that women have for men. It just makes relationships a little more complicated to handle in the already complicated world we live in.

The dangers of Beauty

In March this year, Harvey Weinstein, the infamous character who spurred the #metoo movement was convicted of all his sexual crimes. This topic is particularly intriguing and personable to me and I wrote about it in January, albeit, a very brief commentary. No, I’m not talking about the outright sexual confrontations like rape or molestation. The manifestations are more sublimal in nature, so fleeting that you either fail to catch it or the perpetrator don’t even think he’s out of line; and often, the whole suggestion just gets dismissed off as another run-of -the-mill joke.

The whole point I’m trying to make here is this — beauty is a multi-edged sword. It cuts many ways when yielded by different parties. For instance, beauty has been misused to promote women and by the same token, beauty has been met with disdain from those who cry foul. Women have been unfairly accused of playing temptress to get to where they are because of beauty which they didn’t choose in the first place. Beauty has been so commonly used to flatter and coax women into submission. At the end of the day, we are again left conflicted — do we celebrate or hide our beauty? It’s not how young girls are being brought up when it comes to dealing with their ‘beauty’. As little girls, we were being brought up to be as “beautiful” as we can. We play dress up, we imitate princesses in lavish dresses, prancing around with elusive prince. And now, we come face to face with the harsh reality that “beauty can be ugly”.

The Great Naive Storyteller

I’m not sure if this trait has its roots from our formative years indulging in fairy tales. We are such convincing storytellers, conjuring up hopes and dreams and visions of a happily-ever-after ending that we are almost able to find explanations and reasons to justify any potential red flag in a relationship. And it takes immense effort from ourselves and from others to cajole, reason or even to force ourselves out of this self-fulfilling prophecy that things will somehow fall into place eventually. I don’t know if women are more sentimental creatures but I guess most women tend to always be in a “rewind” mode. The visitations into the past either to immerse themselves in happier times or to remind themselves of the pains are almost like a favourite past time or a nightly ritual. And yes, most men can’t fathom this. The illusions and the re-visitations (which come with compare and contrast between the ‘then’ and the ‘now’) just hit the wrong note in men. Well, the scary thing may be this — once a woman gets past this lengthy episode of relishing the past by teasing out every single detail that has led her to her present state, the relationship will be over sooner than the man realises.

I’m not saying that nature got it all wrong and our mental models should have evolve as fast as the rhetoric we have sought to surround ourselves with today. On the flip side, could we have gotten the rhetoric wrong, meaning, we should have been who we used to be and most importantly, what God has made us to be?

I leave you to form your own judgement on this.

I had wanted to pen a poem, describing the inner strength, beauty and the delicate thoughts and… was originally published in epiphanic by a drifting leaf on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

There is something unusual about the atmosphere. I cannot best describe this in words, but here I am, still functioning at almost 83.33% of what I’m used to doing anyway — albeit the need to co-habit with some minor but yet, “forced” inconveniences and inconsistencies.

The initial phase of entering the “Circuit Breaker” (for my international friends out there — Singapore is currently under in a “partial lockdown” stage where residents are strongly encouraged not to venture out unless there’s a pressing need to do so) was a little jarring for me. Everything just came hitting on me like a tsunami. Within the shortest possible span of an overnight notice, I knew I’m out of the office, working from home. There was no time to do any form of proper handovers, run through WFH rules of engagement or even to say a simple “see you” to my fellow co-workers.

Barring the frustrations arising from the unstable network connections back to the office’s servers, I’m actually pretty much settled in the general scheme of things. But, it took me considerable effort and consciousness to come to terms with the new norm.

While we are all casually acknowledging that “life will never be the same again” and there will be a new norm, a new world order which humankind would need to abide by post this coronavirus-era; I can’t help but suspect that we may not be visualising or expecting the same ‘norm’. Granted that the experts have painted broad strokes on what might be different, or at least, looks different at the global level of things — yet, if we deconstruct the differences, the narratives around these differences will be very different to individuals.

Let me try to illustrate the point I have made. Prior to the coronavirus mayhem, it’s not uncommon to talk about virtual web conferencing, virtual learning etc. In the boardroom, the discussion on grandiose digital transformation plans have been ongoing for ages as if there is some mysterious formula out there to get things right. From an employee’s perspective (discounting those who are working at Google, Facebook and the likes), the psychological effort to switch to virtual engagement seems a mammoth task. Huge curveballs such as lack of confidence in handling technical software, equipment just stunted psychological growth and belief about moving towards digitalisation.

With the onslaught of the coronavirus, our learning curve may be steep, but, it was compressed overnight. I like how someone described this: It’s like flying a plane and changing it’s failing component concurrently. There’s absolutely no chance of stopping and you need to get going and in order to get going, you need to fix that faulty component! So, what do you do? You just have to keep pressing on and muster whatever hat tricks you have or learn as doubly fast as you can to fix that problem.

And here comes the crux — while the condition, pressure and the new goal of getting ourselves to embrace functioning in a virtual world may be largely similar, but, there are subtleties in how different individuals with vastly different demographic profiles perceive it and on the actions that they can even take. Which means, my neighbour’s perception on what’s “normal” on WFH may be quite different from my idea about WFH. The only common goal that we know that we need to work towards is — we need to keep flying that plane, make sure we don’t go down with it and find your own sweet spot or ways to fix that faulty component.

We can see that the veneer still looks pretty much intact; we seem to have some sort of answers and are able to provide some sort of guidance on what we need to do to embrace the new norm. Yet, it may be quite disconcerting at the individual level. What if WFH is really not a conducive option? Already we are seeing articles and commentaries that have surfaced, shedding light on such inconveniences.

Across the globe, there has been this sense of “resignation to our fate” at an unprecedented scale. While some of us have accepted what is in front of us and what is to come with “good cheer”, there are still others who are struggling to grapple with the reality and trying to decipher how an invisible virus had brought the world to its knees, causing emotional and psychological turmoil and buckling economies.

I have summarily joked about the experience akin to being under a ‘house arrest’. It’s different from imprisonment. You know that there is some degree of freedom for you to maneuver but not too much. And how much is “too much”? The problem is, we don’t exactly know the threshold and for how long this state of affairs will be the order of the day and what’s next for us. The unknowns are unnerving but we are all making the best of the situation by doing a lot of “mindset reframing”.

Let me end with this. In Philippians 1:22, even Paul has to admit, “… I do not know…” (which is the best way or the right way forward). Similarly, I think we don’t necessarily have to keep asking “why” and “how”. I don’t mean to sound cliche, but sometimes, the road ahead of us will reveal the path to us if we intentionally make a way for ourselves.

Philippians 1:22, KJV: “But if I live in the flesh, this is the fruit of my labour: yet what I shall choose I wot not.”

There is something unusual about the atmosphere. was originally published in epiphanic by a drifting leaf on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Lost but not missed... How sad... Fact is, we may be so insignificant to others, but definitely not to God.

He is hunting you down, and is coming for you soon...

Lost but not missed... was originally published in epiphanic by a drifting leaf on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Silence. For some, it's soothing to their ears. For others, it's noise to their minds.

Do you welcome silence in this season of your life?

Silence. For some, it's soothing to their ears. For others, it's noise to their minds. was originally published in epiphanic by a drifting leaf on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. - Hebrews 11:1

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. - Hebrews 11:1 was originally published in epiphanic by a drifting leaf on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

We are more than mere matter.
Hate it when we keep embellishing our shells.
What do you do when you are surrounded by empty matter?

We are more than mere matter. was originally published in epiphanic by a drifting leaf on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Mental drainage… Something which I couldn’t seem to plug…

Mental drainage… Something which I couldn’t seem to plug… was originally published in epiphanic by a drifting leaf on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.