Who Do I Turn To?
“And those who know Your name will put their trust in You; For You, LORD, have not forsaken those who seek You.” (Psalms 9:10)
Lately, in my spiritual walk with the Lord, I’ve felt like I am closing the loop on a rather fragile season of my life. I have been working hard to shift who I turn to for help from my therapist back to the Lord.
Before I started this healing journey, I never let anyone into that painfully secret place from my past…not that I could keep the Lord out of it…I just didn’t go there with Him. But when painful things came up in the present, He was the one I turned to because I didn’t allow anyone else in.
He lived with me in the armor I created to stay safe, but no one else was allowed in. It was lonely in the armor. But when the Lord put His finger on my past and decided it was time for me to deal with it because it was getting in the way of our relationship, He also gave me a Christian therapist to walk this journey with me.
While it was challenging to let someone into the places of my life where no one else has ever been, I knew she was the servant He delegated to help me walk through it.
There were times on this journey when I felt very distant from the Lord, even though He never went anywhere. During those times, my therapist would remind me that He was still there, loved and cared about me, and encouraged me to lean on Him.
There have been painful times when I had to grapple with why the Lord allowed me to suffer and why He didn’t save me from the abuse when He could have.
Sometimes, I felt alone and abandoned by Him, but those feelings did not correspond with the truth. These are all critically important parts of the healing process because if we don’t come to the Lord with our deepest heartache, we cannot heal, and they continue to get in the way of our relationship with Him.
By the way, He already knows what is in our hearts…He is simply waiting for us to trust Him enough to share it with Him. He is always available. He always has open arms toward those who seek Him. He always has tender compassion toward those who have suffered because He knows what it’s like to suffer.
During these times, I relied heavily on my therapist to help me regulate and remind me that this would not last forever. I would text her when I was struggling or needed to connect with someone who cared, and she would patiently reply.
But now that I have completed the work with her that He wanted me to do (processing my past trauma) and am starting to step away from intense therapy, I feel like I have come full circle and am coming back to the place where I am again learning to go directly to Him for comfort and support.
I didn’t realize until a couple of months ago how habitual it was for me to text my therapist instead of turning to the Lord for comfort and direction. I made a conscious decision to make the Lord the one I turned to for everything…but that doesn’t mean I have executed that decision perfectly.
There are still parts of me that are very attached to my therapist…understandably so…and I think it is OK to want to stay connected, but I don’t want her to be my “go-to” person…I want that to be the Lord.
So, I am re-learning how to make turning to Him with everything my knee-jerk reaction instead of my last resort. I’ve been reminded by some of the blogs I’ve written that God Works the Nightshift, He Knows Me, I have Unconditional Acceptance with Him, I’m Never Alone, He says I’ve got you…, and I can be Comforted By The Comforter.
In Him, I have everything I need to help me through every minute of every day and night. He doesn’t keep office hours…He is always available. I don’t need to schedule an appointment. He is always with me. He never leaves me.
I feel like I have turned a corner where I am depending on my therapist less and on the Lord more…and that is exactly where I should be. I am so grateful that the Lord provided a faithful servant to walk with me through this dark valley, but it is time for me to keep moving forward on the journey He has for me.
I will leave you with the words to this song:
“LEARNING TO LEAN ON JESUS
The joy I can’t explain filled my soul
The day I made Jesus my king.
His Blessed Holy Spirit is leading my way,
He’s teaching and I’m learning to lean.
Learning to lean,
Learning to lean,
I’m learning to lean on Jesus.
Finding more power than I’ve ever dreamed,
I’m learning to lean on Jesus.
2. Sad broken hearted, at an alter I knelt.
I found peace that was so serene.
And all that He asks is a child like trust,
And a heart that is learning to lean
Learning to lean,
Learning to lean,
I’m learning to lean on Jesus.
Finding more power than I’ve ever dreamed,
I’m learning to lean on Jesus.
3. There’s a glorious victory, each day now for me.
I’ve found peace so serene.
He helps me with each task, If I’ll only ask.
Everyday now I’m learning to lean.
Learning to lean,
Learning to lean,
I’m learning to lean on Jesus.
Finding more power than I’ve ever dreamed,
I’m learning to lean on Jesus.”
