Why Do Women Minimize Red Flags?
The more you see, the less you believe.
A friend sent me an urgent message a few days ago:
“If a man says, I want a relationship with you but I am afraid of commitment, what does it mean?”
While I cannot read that man’s mind, I said, it sounds like it could be anything from:
- I haven’t figured out what I want and I might hurt you on my way to figuring it out
- I am afraid that you may hurt me
- I want to tell you now that I will be a shit partner, giving you the least effort so remember this before you complain about me not matching the energy you bring.
I told my friend, if you want something serious, maybe reconsider committing to this person.
She said, “But he seems serious about me”
I said — anyone can burst out their beginner energy levels. At the least, you need someone whose words match their actions. You should not put all your eggs in one basket for someone who hasn’t figured out what they want.
My friend and I went a few more rounds but at the end of the day, the decision is hers.
The conversation reminded me of another recent question a friend threw into our friend group,
“Someone who says he gets easily angry, will he be that way with me if he falls in love with me?”
Like seriously? Didn’t he already tell you?
As an abuse survivor, I can safely tell you this- it starts small but those red flags are still red flags no matter how much you try to minimize them.
In our world, as a woman, you must be very tuned to your safety.
If you are about to enter into a dark lonely alley and someone says- a man is waving a big knife along that way, will you continue into the alley? No. You will take another way. You do not want to risk your life.
Why then will a man give you a piece of information like:
- I get angry easily
- I cannot resist beautiful women
- I party all the time
- I am not ready for commitment
- Etc
And you will be questioning your ears and sometimes, your eyes. He already told you.
Your emotional safety is as important as your physical one so protect and defend it jealously.
Unfortunately, many women did not grow up with good relationship role models — screaming parents, hateful adult relationships, and the like so their model for good relationships is skewed.
Many women have been in more toxic relationships than good ones so it can take a moment to see through rose-tinted lenses and see the double-speaking, hypocritical love interests exactly for what they are- time wasters at best and abusers at worst.
If you are seeking casual flings, by all means, the man that says he is afraid of commitments, is a good option. Even for a casual fling, the man that says he gets angry easily should be a non-starter.
Before my relationship with my abuser, I was strong, confident, a goal-getter, and happy. Then, I started to minimize the red flags until I felt defenseless against them. I lost myself. I became angry, bitter, afraid of my own shadow, isolated, and lacking in purpose.
It is better to leave thinking — it might have led to something more serious than to end up on some relationship website crying over minimizing the obvious red flags you clearly were warned about.
Thank you for reading. Buy me coffee?
