Thirteen Things Only Millennials Will Understand!

Millennial pride, am I right? No one understands the need to cleanse the Earth in blood like we do!

Things Said To Me When I Mentioned My Being Published In McSweeney’s

1. What’s that?

2. Is this in print, or…?

3. Is this the internet version of that magazine for assholes?

My Rejected Pitches for Event Comics

The ideas the Big Two were too scared to use.

Dysphoria Wars

After regaining control of his body from Dr. Octopus and reverting to human form after harnessing the infinite power of the…

24 Millennial Op-Ed Pitches That Will Make Me The Cultural Critic of Our Time, I Imagine

How I Learned The Secret of Branding From Next-Level Product Design UI: The Ultimate Medium Story

Happy Valentine’s Day from David Foster Wallace

Be mine¹, Valentine².

¹ As much as one can intend such a thing without summoning the nauseatingly unpleasant implications inextricably wormed into the idea of owning another person (which is problematic…

‘Air And Water Show’ Meant Peeing Outside, Local Girlfriend Reports

8 Sweet-Ass Pancakes You Need To Own

Round out your collection with these eight essentials.

PEACE: WRITE CLUB chapter 69, 4/21/2015

My victorious essay for Chicago live lit juggernaut WRITE CLUB

I wrote this for my debut performance in WRITE CLUB, a goddamn riotous and life-validating live lit show that singlehandedly makes…

The Column Banned from my Company Newsletter — by an ALL-WHITE Jury!

It was old Angus “Two-Arms” McLockley who said it first during my time in prison: “Blade Man, world like this, convictions end up a liability.” I don’t know if he meant “convictions” to refer to deeply held…