Time Doesn’t Heal All Wounds
It Makes Them Worse
My grandpa has lost two wives.
He appears happy with his third wife. But I lived with them for two years and realized something I didn’t notice when I was a child:
My grandpa is an alcoholic.
I would spend many days and nights with my grandma and grandpa when I went to elementary school because they lived up the street from the school.
My grandma would never drink because she didn’t like it. But my grandpa would finish a bottle of wine a night.
I lived with my grandpa and step-grandma for two years, starting in 2012 while going to college. His wine consumption hasn’t changed since my elementary school years.
My dad was diagnosed with a “chemical imbalance” six years ago.
He’s never dealt with stress and anxiety well. While feeling the most stressed out he’s ever felt, his brain locked, and all he could talk about was deadlines at work.
My stepmom took him to a mental hospital, and my dad continued to talk about work. He’s a very shy, introverted person, but he spoke with anyone about his job at the hospital.
My mom’s struggled with low self-esteem since childhood. I read a note she wrote my grandma when my mom was twelve. The words were cries for attention, approval, and acceptance.
Her mental issues peaked when I was in middle school. She began abusing drugs, alcohol, and weighed near three hundred pounds for a 5'3 woman. She was in abusive relationships and committed white-collar felonies. She spent time in prison and was later diagnosed bipolar. Her struggles continue today.
My youngest sister was the most charismatic person I knew. You couldn’t stop her from making conversation while at the grocery store, mall, or park.
She was struggling academically in middle and high school. Psychiatrists diagnosed her with a learning disability. The shame of the diagnosis and label caused my sister to want to hide. My stepmom pulled her from public school to homeschooling.
I didn’t see my sister for six years because she didn’t want to leave her room. When I finally saw her, I didn’t recognize her. She was overweight, and her aura was drab, a contrast to the girl I grew up with.
I dealt with my own issues as well. My mom’s trauma pulled her focus away from me. I took her lack of attention personally. I believed if only I were “good” and “perfect,” could I be center stage of her life.
My neediness traveled with me through high school and college. Instead of running after love and affection, I steered away from it because I feared rejection and the feeling of shame.
I didn’t kiss a girl in high school, and I only went to prom because my best friend pushed me into the girl I like at the time, and struck by a dose of courage, I asked her to be my date.
But when I did put myself out there, meet a girl I liked and liked me, I felt anxious. I feared I would mess up and she would leave me. To avoid rejection, I read and watched everything I could about dating and relationships.
Content only made matters worse because I overanalyzed every comment or action. My first relationship was the rollercoaster from hell.
Upon reflection, my codependency attracted my first girlfriend, who had emotional issues (similar to me), and allowed her to walk all over me.
“Time Heals All Wounds”
My grandpa, while drunk, would recite memories of his time in the military.
He’d tell my brother and me the story of how he had to kill a dog because it had a disease that would’ve infected the other soldiers.
He describes seeing another human die in front of him.
He’d also share stories about his first wife.
At the end of his slurred rant, he’d say, “but time heals all wounds.”
I love my grandpa. But I couldn’t disagree more.
From my personal experience and the studying I’ve done over the last eleven years, the opposite is true:
“Time makes wounds worse.”
A parent or sibling’s comment, misinformation from an influencer or guru, a traumatic event, inject your mind and body with stressful emotions.
Humans don’t like to feel challenging emotions like fear, anxiety, and shame, so we suppress them consciously and unconsciously via social media, socializing, approval, drugs, alcohol, food, and perfectionism.
But the emotions are never processed and remain stuck in the mind and body, controlling our perspectives and actions. Objective events become subjective via our trauma, and the negative feelings compound and eventually manifest mentally and physically.
Mental and physical disorders, contrary to popular belief, aren’t the result of genetics; they’re the outcome of the strengthening and accumulation of dense emotions.
Read:
- How To Do The Work by Dr. Nicole Lepera
- Waking the Tiger by Peter Levine
- The Body Keeps Score by Bessel van der Kolk
How to Process Trauma
To heal from the past, recognize and change patterns of thought, emotion, and action, and create a new future, we must learn to process trauma.
Trauma isn’t limited to rape victims and war veterans. As mentioned previously, how were parented and other outer influences dictate how we feel about ourselves in relation to ourselves, others, and the world.
So, in other words, we all have unresolved trauma.
To heal, we have to integrate the aspects of ourselves we deem inadequate, inferior, unlovable, and negative.
Integration lifts the barriers preventing our inner rivers from flowing gracefully.
We must use our words and breath to accept what is, to accept our personality characteristics, to accept our physical characteristics, and to soothe our suffering.
It’s only when we release internal splits — deeming some aspects of ourselves “good” and others “bad” — can we purify our souls.
Final Thoughts
I’ve spent the last eleven years studying self-help and improving myself.
I’ve read books about dating, relationships, social skills, networking, confidence, discipline, and Buddhism.
Healing trauma is the most impactful concept I’ve learned. And the most important journey to embark on.
My social anxiety is minimal, I don’t feel as uneasy in intimate relationships, and I feel grounded and purposed for the first time in my life.
I wouldn’t be getting my Master’s to become a Marriage and Family Therapist or writing every day if I didn’t believe in the value of healing trauma.
The journey isn’t rainbows and butterflies.
You’ll have to face feelings and thoughts and truths that’ll take days to months to accept and process.
But take it one day at a time.
Progress is often invisible until you reflect or receive a positive comment from a loved one.
Healing trauma requires practices that evolve you as a human. Self-compassion, kindness, boundaries, authenticity, yoga, and meditation are qualities and hobbies you’ll develop that’ll transfer and improve all areas of your life.
What’s great about the journey is you only need one person: yourself.
Be nice to yourself.
Breathe.
Relax.
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