The Great Destroyer —
What??? Twenty minutes into the procedure and I am called in to the diagnostic area. G-d damn it, this was supposed to take ninety minutes, the news must be terrible. Why must I be so quick to put seemingly disparate pieces together all the time?
“You can see your wife now. She is resting comfortably in here.”
I don’t like the looks on the faces of the senior doctor or her junior. Is it standard clinical posturing or am I sensing some sullenness, even a hint of sadness? I figure if the news is really bad, I can corner the junior doctor who is more likely to tell me how it is.
“Doc, can I speak to you in the other room?”
“We really should wait till your wife is out of anesthesia and explain the results together.”
“Doc, she is still somewhat sleepy. Please tell me what is going on. I need to know. Obviously by the way you are carrying yourselves, something is very wrong. Please…”
“I really should wait but you will be the one to have to tell her anyway. I’m sorry, your wife has Stage IV colorectal cancer. It is terminal.”
My head starts spinning and my legs weaken. So this is what paralyzed feels like. I did not hear that. There is no way I just heard that. “Well, you wanted the truth. You always want the truth. Happy now?”, I say to myself.
You see, my wife is 33 years old with everything marvelous ahead of her. There must be some mistake. We are an ordinary couple with a clean lifestyle. Two people who eat right, exercise a bit, have a few drinks a week, and love each other desperately. There must be some mistake. It took years to find each other after numerous mediocre relationships. There must be some mistake. We appreciate every day as a blessing and try to brighten each other’s world and the one around us. There must be some mistake. We don’t ask for anything grandiose in life; only to nurture a harmonious partnership, an adventure of some kind every few months, a child or two and a place to call our own. There must be some mistake. Only when people live to excess, foment evil, make ongoing unwise decisions or overreach do they get slapped down by bad circumstances right? There must be some mistake. Tragic stuff happens to other people and no one we know up close and personal.
“Hi sweetheart, how are you feeling? Is some of the fog lifting?”
“Yes, still kinda…grogggggy. What is going on?”
I am not sure where the voice comes from but I start giving myself instructions as if from a drill sergeant. “Ok, Vince, these are the moments in life when you have to be as strong as possible even while the anchor to everything you have ever known becomes unmoored and your future lies in ruins. Are you being unfair giving her the full-on truth? Is there any way to soften this? Where is the fucking operating manual on this moment? You have always had an honest, open relationship. You owe her the truth. Be strong and say what needs to be said. You are the only one on the planet that this should come from. Now you know what it means to be by a partner’s side without question or hesitation.”
I grab the side of the gurney tightly since the chance of collapsing is very real. “Sweetheart, I don’t know if you can understand me right now. I am guessing you are still a little out of it. Can you understand what I am saying? The doctors found a tumour, it is quite advanced and they say you are not going to make it.” My words feel like I am wounding her even more deeply.
Since I can’t believe what I just said or that I had to say it or that she may have misunderstood, painfully and slowly I repeat it, “Honey, you are going to die.”
I finally let go of the need to maintain my stoic composure and embrace her tightly. G-d damn, if only cancer were like snake venom and I could extract it out of her in to me. I’ll take the poison; if it has to be either of us, let me be the one to have this. She is the better person; the world needs more people like her. We sob uncontrollably for who knows how long. Rivers of tears flow. The staff gives us all the private time we need; ironically, it is the one place and time they don’t rush anyone.
Wait a second, yesterday we were strolling the farmers’ market arm in arm filling our bag with organic goodies in Minneapolis, eating fish fry in Grand Marais, taking beautiful pictures at the botanical gardens in Montreal, watching sunsets in the bush in South Africa, having a cocktail in the piazza in Bologna, swimming with our beloved nieces & nephews at Lake George, and dancing till the wee hours after exchanging sacred vows in Charleston. Stories like ours don’t take turns towards certain oblivion.
Unexpectedly and unwelcomed, the great destroyer walked in to our lives and in an instant everything we ever dreamed of vanished.
To explore some of my epiphanies and challenges in widowhood, please see the stories below. If you like what you just read, please ‘Recommend’ it and ‘Share’ it with others by any social media you favor.
Image by True2Source
PRIOR POSTS
- “Damn It.”
(Read by 50 people) - “What mask do you wear?”
(Read by 32 people) - “You Deserve…”
(Read by 54 people) - “There is a [Certain] Cruelty to Love…”
(Read by 66 people) - “Through My Eyes…”
(Read by 58 people) - “Walk Away…”
(Read by 86 people) - “Whenever I See You…”
(Read by 57 people) - “Open Questions for a Heart Which Can’t Be…”
(Read by 82 people)
