Why There’s a Need for Shared Responsibilities in Establishing a Blissful Matrimony.

And one of His signs is that He created for you spouses from among yourselves so that you may find comfort in them. And He has placed between you compassion and mercy. Surely in this are signs for people who reflect — Qur’an 30[Ar-Rum]:21

In Islam, marriage is a bond held together by mutual rights and responsibilities for both spouses. It is a partnership between them, and they are both required to play an active role in establishing a harmonious home. Both spouses are essential in building a strong connection and a happy life together.

The man is appointed as the leader of the house, and the woman is the supportive helper whose expertise in many areas cannot be handled by the man. Both the husband and wife have certain rights and duties specifically for them.

A happy and successful marriage is assured if both parties fulfill their duties to Allah and preserve each other’s rights. Violating those rights is a sure way to misery and failure. Some responsibilities and obligations equally apply to the man and woman on a balanced node.

In this piece, we shall examine the role of the husband and wife in establishing a successful. marriage. These roles will be broken down into three segments. The first will be the shared responsibilities of both couples. Then we examine individual roles specific to the husband and those exclusive to the wife.

Let’s begin with the shared obligations before going into the individual ones. These are just a few in no particular order, as time and space will not allow us to explore them extensively.

• Responsibility: Being masters of the home unit, both men and women carry the great responsibility of establishing and nurturing the family. The husband can check on his wife to hold her accountable when she falls short, and she can also admonish and remind him when he’s failing in his responsibilities too.

Abdullah ibn Umar reported: The Messenger of Allah, ﷺ said, “Every one of you is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock. The leader of people is a guardian and is responsible for his subjects. A man is the guardian of his family and he is responsible for them. A woman is the guardian of her husband’s home and his children and she is responsible for them. The servant of a man is a guardian of the property of his master and he is responsible for it. No doubt, every one of you is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock.” — Bukhara and Muslim

• Manners: Both spouses are responsible for treating each other with good manners. The wife has to be respectful and honor her husband in his presence and absence. It’s also upon the husband to be gentle and kind to his wife.

Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said: “The most complete of believers in faith are those with the best character, and the best of you are the best in behavior to their wives. — Sunan al-Tirmidhī

• Truthfulness: It’s incumbent upon both the husband and wife to be honest with each other in their marital sojourn. Truthfulness is a praiseworthy trait that builds trust and enhances love. It is permissible for you to tease and flirt with your wife to please her. For instance, you could say she’s the most beautiful woman in the world — even though she’s not, to you she is. This will put a smile on her face, and make her happier and pleased with you.

Asma bint Yazid reported, the Messenger of Allah ﷺ said: “It is not lawful to lie except in three cases: Something the man tells his wife to please her, to lie during war, and to lie to bring peace between the people.” — Tirmidhi

• Kindness, Mercy, and Forgiveness: Both spouses should show utmost compassion, love, kindness, and mercy toward each other. They should be ready to forgive, overlook, and guide themselves when they go wrong. They shouldn’t have this attitude of punishment or revenge to get back at the other. Allah says:

O you who believe! Verily, among your wives and children there are enemies for you; therefore beware of them! But if you pardon them, overlook, and forgive their faults, then verily Allâh is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful. — Qur’an 64[At-Taghabun]:14

• Communication: Communication is key and it catalyzes every successful marital union. It’s highly recommended that both spouses keep open and respectful communication between themselves. They should share their happiness, sorrow, and genuine concerns without being judgmental. They should call each other with beautiful nicknames. There should not be use of foul language. Avoid arguing publicly, do not oppress each other, and get used to resolving your problems amicably without involving third parties except only when necessary.

Umm Kulthum bint Ali, the wife of Umar bn Khattab narrated that Umar used to say to her: “If I am angry with you, you make me happy, and if I am happy with you, you make me happier.”

Despite Umar’s stern demeanor in public affairs, he communicated kindly with affection and appreciation towards his wife in their private life. This mutual respect and understanding contributed to the strength and longevity of their marriage.

• Aiding One Another: Both spouses should do their best to help each other to make their relationship successful. This includes emotionally, financially, spiritually, and so on. Aiding each other is only on what’s permissible. Allah’s Apostle ﷺ said: Obedience may not be offered to a human being if it involves disobedience to Allah. Obedience should only be in good things – Bukhara and Muslim

…And cooperate in righteousness and piety, but do not cooperate in sin and aggression. And fear Allāh; indeed, Allāh is severe in penalty. — Qur’an 5[Al-Ma’idah]:2

• Fulfilling Each Other’s Desires: One of the objectives of marriage is the preservation of chastity. This is more difficult for men than women because a lot of men are aroused by what they see. Therefore, wives should not deny their husbands intimacy or feel like they are punishing them and use that as an act of rebellion. The husband, on the other hand, should strive to learn all the techniques for fulfilling his wife’s desires. It takes time for women to attain maximum pleasure during intimacy, while men can do it within the twinkle of an eye. Therefore, take it easy, engage in foreplay, and be considerate while striving to please each other. Let no one deny the other without any genuine reason.

Jabir reported, that Allah’s Apostle ﷺ said: When a woman fascinates any one of you and she captivates his heart, he should go to his wife and have intercourse with her, for it would repel what he feels. — Muslim

The Husband’s Obligations

Allah says:

Men are the protectors and maintainers of women because Allâh has made one of them excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means… — Qur’an 4[An-Nisa’]:34

Before mentioning a few of them, it’s important to state that women have rights in Islam and it’s part of the obligations of the husband to uphold and fulfill these rights as part of his responsibilities.

Allah’s Apostle ﷺ said: I strongly admonish you in regards to the right of the two weak ones: the orphan and the woman — Ahmad

1. Protection: One of the most important obligations of the husband is protecting his wife. Women by nature are the weaker gender and they look up to their husbands for protection. Protection in this context is a broad term that covers spiritual, physical, emotional, and general well-being.

• Have ‘ghayrah’ for her: This is a form of protective jealousy that may appear as an indirect show of love towards her. As a husband, you should encourage your wife to wear the proper hijab when going out. It’s also incumbent upon you to protect her from unnecessary free mixing with the opposite gender.

Abdullaah ibn ‘Umar reported that the Prophet ﷺ said: “Three people will not enter paradise, and Allah will not look to them on the Day of Judgement. The one who is disobedient to his parents, the woman who imitates men and the ad-Dayooth.” — Ahmad.

When asked who is Ad-Dayooth? He is said to be the man who permits women for whom he is responsible (eg: mother, wife, daughter, sister) to engage in illicit relations, or to display their beauty to strange men, thereby stimulating their sexual desires.

• Avoid unnecessary suspicion: Your protectiveness of her shouldn’t then lead to suspicion like you asking all the time: who are you talking to on the phone? This also includes snooping through her device to read her messages. Unless you see a glaring red flag and need to address it, don’t dig for her faults.
• Safeguard her secrets: Exposing your wife’s secrets is forbidden, especially private ones. You should also protect her from your family members like your mother and sisters who might want to pick on her sometimes.

2. Provision: It’s the exclusive right of your wife to be pampered and catered for according to your “financial means”. This is part of the reason why Allah made the man head of the household as referenced in the verse above. These provisions include the necessities of life: feeding, shelter, clothing, and health care.

• The extent of a man’s provision is based on his financial capacity. So you don’t have to kill your husband with your wants when you can see he is trying his best. Allah doesn’t burden a person beyond his capacity.
• It’s also permissible for women to support their husbands, especially in societies where it’s difficult for men to bear all the burdens. While we encourage men to strive their best to fulfill this obligation, they don’t have to overburden themselves to make it. Zainab, the wife of Abdullah Ibn Masud gave him zakat, and the Prophet ﷺ permitted it.
• If you have a husband who is niggardly and you know he has it, there’s permission for you to take from his wealth to meet your needs and that of the kids.

Narrated `Aisha, Hind bint `Utba said, “O Allah’s Messenger ﷺ: Abu Sufyan is a miser and he does not give me what is sufficient for me and my children. Can I take from his property without his knowledge?” The Prophet ﷺ said, “Take what is sufficient for you and your children, and the amount should be just and reasonable. — Bukhari

3. Dealing with her fragility: Women have a fragile nature both physically and emotionally. Understanding this helps a man to treat her with both consideration and compassion. So it’s incumbent upon the husband to treat his wife with kindness, gentility, and respect. Allah says:

O you who believe! You are forbidden to inherit women against their will. And you should not treat them with harshness, that you may take away part of the dowry you have given them, unless they commit open illegal sexual intercourse; and live with them honourably. If you dislike them, it may be that you dislike a thing and Allah brings through it a great deal of good. — Qur’an 4[An-Nisa’]:19

Allah’s Apostle ﷺ explained the fragility of a woman with the similitude of her creation from a bent rib. This Hadith is not meant to belittle women but to help men understand their nature and deal with them appropriately. The beauty of a woman is in her femininity and that fragile nature is a part of it.

Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said: “I enjoin you to treat women well, for the woman was created from a rib and the most curved part of the rib is its highest point. If you try to straighten it, you will break it. If you leave it as it is, it will remain bent. Thus, I enjoin you to be good to women.” — Bukhari and Muslim

So, always look at the better side of your wife, overlook her pettiness and mistakes, and above all appreciate and praise her for all that she does. Women are superhumans, they do a lot for us. May Allah bless them and us. Amin!

The Wife’s Obligations

Allah says:

…Women have rights similar to those of men equitably, although men have a degree of responsibility above them. And Allah is Almighty, All-Wise. — Qur’an 2[Al-Baqarah]:228

It’s important to state that the degree of responsibility a man has, comes before the degree of homage a woman pays. The man earns it by being truly worthy of the trust Allah conferred upon him, and he loses this by neglecting the trust. Let’s examine a few of the wife’s obligations as well:

1. Submission and Obedience: A woman is meant to submit and obey her husband, in as much as he’s not directing her to disobey Allah. Wives are encouraged not to challenge the authority of their husbands but to see this submission as a fulfillment of Allah’s command. You obey them so long as they do not transgress the limits set by Allah.

Abu Hurayrah reported, Allah’s Messenger ﷺ said: If a woman prays her five daily prayers, fasts her month of Ramadan, guards her chastity, and obeys her husband, she will be told to enter Jannah from any of the gates — Ibn Hibban

• By obeying her husband, a woman will be obeying Allah as He is the One Who mandated this upon her.
• The woman should obey her husband as long as obeying him is within her capacity. She doesn’t have to discomfort herself to please him.
• The husband should only be obeyed in matters that do not involve disobedience to Allah or the Sunnah of the Messenger ﷺ

2. Do Things that Please Him: A woman should show gratitude to her husband for what he does for her and the family. She’s expected to deal with him kindly, do the things that please him, and avoid the things he doesn’t like.

• Dress well for your husband: Adorn yourself for him, appear beautifully, smell good, and look nice in appealing attire.

Abdullah ibn Salam reported that Allah’s Messenger ﷺ was asked, ‘Who are the best of women?’ He ﷺ responded: “The best of women is that who pleases you when you look at her, obeys you when you order her and safeguards you during your absence with regards to herself and your wealth. — Tabarani

• Avoid bringing people to the house without his consent: If he doesn’t like you hanging out with a set of people, abide by his admonition. Keep him updated with your movement and seek his permission before making huge decisions.
• Do not frustrate him: Women can sometimes be a source of trial to men. Be a source of joy to your husband, do not trigger him, and do not ask for a divorce without genuine reason.

3. Nurturing the family: Women are very good at nurturing, may Allah bless all the women in our lives. Men are also encouraged to support them through this process.

The mothers shall give suck to their children for two whole years, for those (parents) who desire to complete the term of suckling, but the father of the child shall bear the cost of the mother’s food and clothing on a reasonable basis… — Qur’an 2[Al-Baqarah]:233

• Caregiver: It’s part of the role of the wife to nurture and take care of the house. Women are the caregivers and managers of the home. They play a pivotal role in maintaining the sanctity and harmony of the home environment, creating a nurturing atmosphere for the family.
• Child upbringing: This is a collective responsibility of both spouses. However, the father should lay the groundwork to chart the course, while the mother works assiduously in supporting the vision because she spends more time with the children.
• Emotional Stability: Moreover, the wife’s role in nurturing the home is often seen as a reflection of her inherent qualities of compassion, patience, and resilience. By assuming this responsibility, she embodies these virtues and contributes to the emotional well-being and stability of the family.

To cap it all, Allah’s Apostle ﷺ mentioned to us in the hadith of Abdullah ibn Amr thus:

“The world is enjoyment and the best enjoyment in the world is a righteous wife.” — Muslim

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Yaumul Jumah 9th Dhul Qadah 1445H // Friday 17th May 2024

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