I Think I Love You (Part III of III)
How becoming vulnerable changed my view on self-worth
We’re up to the last set of questions! I’m glad I broke up the questions because doing this all at once would have been too much for me to stomach. The feeling of having to look at yourself in its raw unfiltered state and know that who you were at that point in time, or even yesterday, is not the same person, is cathartic. If this is your first time here, feel free to check out the first set of questions here, and the second set of questions here.
I’ve been meaning to post this last set of questions sooner, but I’ve been contemplating where this journey has brought me, and what if anything, is really worth sharing. I think I’ve gained what I came out here to do, which was to gain enough sense of self to trust my gut instinct (aka intuition), as well as, to come to terms with things I believed were true with all my heart, but really weren’t true at all.
I want to give a shout-out to a fellow writer, Sieran Lane, who took an interest in my original post, and decided it would be worthwhile to tackle these questions. He brought up some really vulnerable points that I’m not going to spoil here that I know will help someone going through similar trials and tribulations. Check out Sieran Lane’s latest response to the questions.
There’s another great writer, Kiki Lu Johnson, who took on the challenge. Check out her latest response to the questions. I thought she brought out really good self-reflective points and stories that I’m hoping she’ll expand on in some of her future writing. She’s also right in pointing out that I forgot a question on the last set! Thanks for looking out, girlie! Although, a part of me is wondering if I subconsciously left that part out on purpose.
Coming to the end of this series is definitely bittersweet. I try to write knowing that my loved ones might see this someday, which makes things a little more vulnerable than having complete strangers read it. At the end of the day, I just want them, and others, to know that we all have pain and trials that leave us down for the count, but you aren’t alone and there are people out there who will love you. However, the person that can love you the most and look out for you the best is yourself. It’s one thing to know that you aren’t alone in this vast universe is a humbling thing, but to know that tomorrow brings a new chance for hope and beginnings is a beautiful thing.
Set II:
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
I’d say it’s a complicated — no layered — relationship. She once told me I was her worst and best kid, which sounds like I won in the end, yet it also makes me a little sad. My sister pointed out that my youngest is the spitting image of me in looks and temperament. I can see how being spirited could bring up challenges to a person who felt like they didn’t generally have much control in their life, which often left me feeling misunderstood and alone when I was younger.
Now that I’m older, I can see how she loved me in the best ways that she could, and I can also see how her views on what made a good mother/wife caused her to lose site of herself. The relationship we have now is stronger and based on mutual respect, especially knowing what triggers her and what triggers me, I’m able to hold space for her and know when it’s time to create more space between us.
Set III:
25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “we are both in this room feeling…”
Again, since this is just between me and me, I’ll be making 3 true “I” statements.
I am eating greek yogurt w/ strawberries, blueberries chia, and flax seeds along with mashed-up chocolate-dipped cookies, and I love how the different textures and flavors explode in my mouth.
I love talking with people who have the same quirky sense of humor as me and are able to incorporate movie quotes seamlessly into the conversation.
I didn’t choose my last dog, Otis, he chose me. I get that sounds super cliched and cheesy, but that’s the truth, and I hope to share the story someday.
26. Complete this sentence “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…”
I wish I had someone with whom I could share, what the great artist formally known as Prince would say, “this thing called Life,” but more specifically, our souls’ journey.
27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
If we’re talking about intimacy here. It would be nice to know each other’s attachment styles and love languages. The interesting thing about knowing which one you are or have isn’t good or bad, it’s just information on how to be a better partner. For example, I have an anxious adult attachment style. I might come off as high maintenance and a little drama at first, but once we develop a certain level of trust and open communication, I become super chill and can relax into my feminine nature. My love languages include words of affirmation backed up by quality time and physical touch.
28. Tell your partner what you like about them: be honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
What I like about myself is that I am authentic in my interest in other people, and the goodness that’s inside of them — even if it’s only the potential of greatness.
29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
The most embarrassing moment in my life… I honestly can’t remember. I’m sure there are a couple of times when I thought, “hmmm, I hope no one saw that,” but the reality is once you grow up with a mom/family like mine that likes to roast you on the regular, nothing embarrasses you.
30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
The last person I cried in front of (well, it was really via telephone) was my sister. I’ve been really frustrated lately about my career, and if it’s really where I’m meant to be. Although I feel I’m pretty good at what I do, and that I help a lot of people, I can’t help the feeling that it’s siphoning out my Life energy little by little. Like, am I really getting back what I put into it? And if I’m not, why do I keep doing it?
The last time I cried by myself was the other day when I felt like I was trapped in a shitty situation, and I didn’t know if I would be able to get out of it. I think at the root of it, I felt like a failure in so many different ways. Luckily, my cousin sent me a meme about the same thing I told someone else using a plate of spaghetti analogy — to figure out what needs to be done, then take one step at a time.
31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
I like that when shit hits the fan, I can compartmentalize and get stuff done.
32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
What I’ve come to realize is that if we can’t laugh at some things, then we aren’t really able to face the darkness of certain ideas, e.g. medical humor can get really dark. Then again, there are some things that come off as absolutely tasteless, like human trafficking or child abuse.
33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
In the larger scheme of things, I don’t have any regrets, because I make a conscious effort to tell the people I care about that I love them on the regular. I once told a friend that I’ve secretly been in love with how I felt. The romantic feelings weren’t exactly reciprocated, and I got one of those, “oh, thanks… that is soooo sweet!” He might not love me back in the romantic sense, but I know he loves me in the loyal, guard dog sense, which I’ll take any day.
34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
Nothing. Everything else is just stuff.
35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
The obvious answer would be one of my kids, but I’d say, my sister. She’s my best friend who keeps me in check when I’m being lame, and one of my soul mates with that I can talk about almost anything without being judged.
36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you on how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
I’d say the biggest problem I’m facing now would be somewhat of a mid-life crisis — not in the sense that I feel like I haven’t “lived” life, but more along the lines of, am I in alignment with my Life’s purpose. The advice I’d give myself is to pray and meditate about it and to also seek out mentors/people who can point me in the right direction. I feel torn in the sense I “should” feel grateful for when I’m at, and that wanting more is being selfish. If I learned anything about myself filling out this questionnaire, is that giving all of yourself without the reciprocity of feeling like your cup is being filled can lead to resentment, but it doesn’t have to.
This brings our journey to the end, or is it just the beginning? This has been a worthwhile adventure, and I hope it’s something that others take up for themselves. Again, I’d like to give a special thanks to Sieran and Kiki, who took the time and effort to take on this challenge, as well as, everyone who has vibed with my writing.
