Choking

I’m choking. I sit here choking while I write this. I don’t want to be writing. I don’t want to be doing anything and I want to be doing everything. I know I’m in the middle of a mixed episode because this is what it does to me. I choke while my demons scream at me and I can’t fight, I can’t flee, so I freeze. I…

A Tiny Paragraph Of Hope

Yesterday, for the first time in over a year, I caught tiny glimpses of my Self, like rays of sunlight that break though the shadows of trees as you drive down the highway.

I’m bipolar. This shit is hard. Happy or hypomanic? Bad day or dysphoric depression…

A Hard Story To Tell

Time makes me lazy. The more time I have, the less likely I am to do something. The more time that’s passed, the less likely I am to deal with what happened. Last February I went into the hospital with a mental breakdown. I’ve been trying to find ways to talk about what happened February of…

Say My Name: Talking About Depression

Recently, I saw a woman post in a Facebook group that she was so depressed yesterday and cried for about 30 hours. My first reaction was that’s weird because there aren’t 30 hours in a day. Then I thought, when I was depressed, I wish I would have been able to cry…

Temporary Stop

This morning, like almost every morning these days, I hear Katherine’s voice in my head.

You can do it, baby. Put your feet on the floor. Yes! I’m so proud of you!

Katherine messaged me these words a few months ago when I had another bout of really…

Cargo

It takes a long time to get mental health care in this town- at least three months, sometimes more. I couldn’t wait that long. I was a danger to myself. Furthermore, I was afraid I was going to do something irreversible to destroy my relationship with Andy. This, more than anything, was the reason I sought help.

Anatomy Of A Dream

I have dreams a lot, several a night that I actually remember. Many of them are strange dreams, some of them are very psychedelic, beautiful, complex, and unclear in their message if there is a message or meaning at all. Some dreams are really funny and make great anecdotes. Some would make…

OX

This might not exactly be a fun post like I said I was going to do next; however, it’s a positive and much needed post. I hope she doesn’t mind me telling her story.

Last week, a friend of mine, let’s call her “Ann”, had a bit of a crisis. It didn’t start out that way; she had gone through the…

Good Dog

Sadness is sinking low into my belly today, not depression which somehow manages to numb as it rips your insides apart with dread and hopelessness. Today is a healthier sort of sadness- grief. I’m trying to dig through all of it, through the pain instead of around it.

Hiking in Autumn

Recently, a friend of mine posted a picture of her dog while they were hiking. I resisted the urge to say this for fear of sounding negative or even patronizing, but here we go...

Enjoy every single moment you have. If you’re lucky like me, one day your beloved will be…