Choking

I’m choking. I sit here choking while I write this. I don’t want to be writing. I don’t want to be doing anything and I want to be doing everything. I know I’m in the middle of a mixed episode because this is what it does to me. I choke while my demons scream at me and I can’t fight, I can’t flee, so I freeze. I…

A Hard Story To Tell

Time makes me lazy. The more time I have, the less likely I am to do something. The more time that’s passed, the less likely I am to deal with what happened. Last February I went into the hospital with a mental breakdown. I’ve been trying to find ways to talk about what happened February of…

Cargo

It takes a long time to get mental health care in this town- at least three months, sometimes more. I couldn’t wait that long. I was a danger to myself. Furthermore, I was afraid I was going to do something irreversible to destroy my relationship with Andy. This, more than anything, was the reason I sought help.

Hiking in Autumn

Recently, a friend of mine posted a picture of her dog while they were hiking. I resisted the urge to say this for fear of sounding negative or even patronizing, but here we go...

Enjoy every single moment you have. If you’re lucky like me, one day your beloved will be…

So. Willing. To try.

I haven’t written a post in a while, so I thought I would do an update. I seem to have had the mania under control for a while, but I’ve had a sort of low level depression for the past year that I just haven’t been able to shake. This low-level depression has made me unmotivated and unable…

Night Number One

Before leading me to my bedroom, the two young ladies introduced me to the nurses who promptly took my vitals and chatted happily with me, despite it being close to 2 in the morning. I, however, had very little to say. The friendly nurses led me to a bedroom on the left side of the common room. It…

The Writing Game

I can’t believe how much better I am now. I’ve had one hell of a year and one day I will write about it all. For now, I need to be here in this place mentally. My meds have been helping stabilize me in ways I have never felt before. I’m no longer depressed or restless or expansive or angry. I’m…