5 Ways Your Transgender Child Will Socially Transition
And, as a parent, how you can help.
There are three types of transitioning for transgender individuals — social, legal, and medical transitioning. All can include many different aspects of a person’s life. All of the detailed facets in this article will explore social transitioning only.
(If your child has already socially transitioned and is ready to discuss medical or legal transitioning, I believe it’s best to seek out those professionals who can help you determine what is best for your child. Every transgender individual’s journey is unique and asking for help from those who are qualified is the best advice I can give another parent.)
Regardless of your child’s age, the details below will be elements in their social transition as a transgender or nonbinary individual.
Clothing
Although clothing has no gender, how we dress can represent how we feel about ourselves and how we wish to express ourselves to others.
When my son first came out as transgender, he no longer wanted to wear the girly outfits that were so prevalent in his closet. He embraced masculine clothing and shoes so we had to learn how to shop in the men’s department.
Your transgender or nonbinary child might not want to wear many of the clothes they wore before they realized they were not cisgender. (Cisgender refers to when a person’s gender identity matches with their biological sex).
They may want to explore wearing items outside the clothing style society assigns to their biological sex. Or they might identify as a transgender man and wish to wear dresses.
It’s important to let your child choose what they feel best represents them and is most comfortable. This will let them know how much you love and support them regardless of how they identify or what clothes they may be wearing.
Hairstyle
Adopting a hairstyle that best affirms one’s gender identity can be very important to many trans and nonbinary individuals as well as many cishet folks.
Allowing my son to chop off his long blonde locks in favor of a very punk-styled mohawk wasn’t easy the first time. As his mom, I had an idea of how I imagined my kid to be as they grew up. Once I realized none of this was about me and entirely about him living as his most authentic self, cutting off some hair seemed like such a trivial detail.
Remember, moms and dads, hair grows back. So it’s an easy way for a child to reinvent themselves in an image they feel best represents them, an image they feel best expresses their true nature. Allowing your child the freedom to decide how they want to present themselves to the world will be a gift they will always be grateful for.
Name
As we all know, some names sound more feminine or masculine than others. My son’s birth name (or deadname) was very feminine sounding. So he decided to go by a gender-neutral nickname for a while — Z. Later he chose Zair as his proper name (or chosen name).
When he was fifteen years old, we helped him change his name legally. This was something that had such a positive impact on his mental health, self-esteem, and attitude. I have no regrets about helping him with this.
Tossing aside a name you chose and gave to your child while celebrating their birth may seem harsh especially if you decided to name them after another family member. But know that if your child decides they need to change their name it is not a personal slight against you and your thoughtfulness on the day of their birth.
It’s important to remember that the names we give our children are gifts. And although gifts are always appreciated their usefulness is not guaranteed to last forever.
In fact, your kid needing to change their name has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them and their gender identity and expression.
Pronouns
Similar to your name, pronouns are deeply connected to your personal identity. If you identify as a cisgender woman as I do, it would feel strange for someone to refer to you as he or they. You would appreciate as I do, those who refer to you using she and her because it means those people respect you and your gender identity.
I’m not sure why so many cishet folks cringe at the idea of changing pronouns regarding loved ones.
Is it a little work to remember at first? Sure.
Does it mean your transgender friend is asking too much of you? Absolutely not.
Should you use the pronouns your loved one prefers? Yes! If you truly love this person, you’ll make the effort because disrespecting them by using no-longer-valid pronouns won’t be an option for you.
Bathrooms
Not just public bathrooms, but other facilities that are marked Men and Women such as locker rooms can be a disappointing reminder of how much of the world still views gender in the traditional binary roles only. Because there are individuals who refuse to accept the reality of gender existing on a spectrum, you need to be diligent in your support for your transgender child.
You might be their only ally on any given day so it’s important to stand up for their choices regarding which bathrooms and facilities they feel most comfortable using.
Being the parent of a transgender or nonbinary child can have some specific challenges. Remember that gender identity and expression can change as your child grows and learns more about themselves. This is why it is so important for you to support your kid throughout the exploration of their true identity.
Hopefully, the above details will help you to guide them during their social transition safely and happily. Until the entire world embraces real humanity emphasizing kindness and acceptance, you will need to be persistent in your support, recognition, care, and love for your trans child.
Here are 10 Questions Every Parent Should Ask Their Transgender Teen.
Zada Kent is creator of LGBTQueer-ies & proud parent to her transgender son.
