Engaging My Black Fat Body

By: Cody Charles

No Blacks, No Fats, No Femmes in dating profiles- posted as proudly and boldly as a racist lawn sign or a waving American flag in the middle of a Houston suburb.

Giving every detail about your body to a potential suitor, in an attempt to avoid a future shaming session for not being forthcoming with just how Black and fat you really are.

Reporting every detail of your body, only to be immediately rejected, swiftly blocked, or awaiting the slowest non-response ever. Feeling tew Black and fat for white and brown people, and oddly enough, tew Black and fat for other Black folk.

Most folks engage No Blacks, No Fats, No Femmes as generally problematic, but lack the capacity to embrace it intimately.

This shit hurts those of us it applies to.

As a Black fat queer femme, I constantly show up in support of everyone else’s lives. Listening to your romantic adventures. Helping you choose between a pattern or a solid for your second date. Watching your drink, as you dance the Cuban Shuffle with our club crush. Processing the death of a family member or the end of a relationship. Building you up when someone makes you feel unworthy, unwanted, or incapable. Giving you career advice, and writing letters of recommendations. Basically, helping you achieve your ultimate dreams, often in place of my very own.

You have no idea how to live without people like me, as you secretly love the subservient role I play in your life.

But who shows up for me?

Let me be clear, the lack of radical prioritization and care shown towards our Black fat bodies is not a suggestion of our failure- it is an indictment on folks committed to acquiring faux power by contributing to the dehumanization of Black fat bodies, which obstructs our collective liberation.

And, as a reminder, the most woke ass dope ass people you love to love, despise Black fat bodies.

To ponder further, I’ve gather some of my most brilliant BFFs (Black fat friends).

My BFFs:
Ashleigh Shackelford (AS)- Black queer, nonbinary, fat femme writer, artist, and cultural producer- ashleighshackelford.com- @ashleighthelion
Treese McCoy (TM)- Creator of RhedI LLC- @DrMcCoyisIN
Anthony Boynton (AB)- Creator of the #444Syllabus- @ADBoyntonII

1. What does loving your fat Black body look like?
(TM) On a larger scale, loving my fat Black body is me putting my tired body in the pacific ocean, and allowing the ocean to cleanse and rejuvenate me.

(AB) Loving my fat black body means to take me as I am. I am not some experiment for your fat desires. I will call you out on your bullshit body-shaming. Loving me is to constantly deconstruct what you think fat means. It means being emotionally available to me, like you would with anyone else. Moreover, I love food, so loving me means cooking with me (or for me if you’d like).

(AS) To be honest, I don’t employ love specifically around my black fat body. I value my body, I protect my body, I adorn my body, and I will fuck anyone up to defend my humanity. But the skewed relationship between ‘love your body’ and the body liberation movement has really distorted ‘love’ for me. Loving my body and myself is not required to fight for my survival. To be honest, I don’t know if I love myself/ my body, I don’t know what self love even looks like in a world that’s constantly trying to kill me and make me hate myself. But I do know that I’m that bitch — even when I’m at my worst, my most depressed, and my most suicidal. Knowing my worth is all I have but it will never ultimately equate to loving myself. I don’t even know if the trauma I’ve suffered could ever be healed enough to get to that.

2. What is your most awkward dating moment?
(AS) When people tell me I’m not fat, I’m beautiful. Or assumptions about my gender identity and how my pleasure shows up intimately or sexually.

(TM) The date was going well. We were enjoying ourselves- lots of laughter and nerdy moments, then he says to me “ I’ve never dated someone fat.” I pretended it didn’t affect me, but I still carry it with me to this day.

(AB) That one time when I went on a date to a restaurant and ordered my food and the person across from me said, “Damn, you gonna eat all that?” My response: “Uh… isn’t that why I ordered it?”

3. How do you approach relationships (platonic or romantic) as a Black fat human?
(AS) I always expect to be immediately mammified. Many people put a lot of emotional and physical labor on my body.

(TM) I am a person who likes lots of information and details, as it helps me fill in a portrait of you. I approach all of my relationships by asking questions. I want to know the big and small details- like you grew up in Indiana and you love sci-fi movies. I generally make heart connections with people, and knowing them intimately helps sustain that. I often do not make a distinction between romantic and platonic love.

4. What tips would you give to someone that is interested in dating your Black fat self (or Black fat people generally)?
(AS) In my piece, Dating While Fat, I speak more on this. Although I would update many of my points to include my gender identity evolution. I would definitely say that understanding that our bodies and experiences are different is key. And if you take me somewhere where there’s chairs with arms, or booths that aren’t adjustable, I’m probably never hanging out with you again.

(TM) Work on your socialized (often internalized) fatphobia and anti-Blackness. I do not require perfection, however, a sincere effort to unlearn must be present. Be inquisitive and relaxed, I am not auditioning for your next wife. I am looking for someone to relax and have fun with. Moreover, if you do not have any fat friends (or never had fat and Black partners) examine how that came to be your reality and what underlying fatphobia and anti-Blackness is present.

5. In what ways is loving your Black fat body connected to our collective liberation?
(TM) Believing in my heart I am not sacrificial for anyone or any cause, and I am not a side player in our fight for liberation. I have things to contribute to our struggle for freedom, and loving myself is key to doing the double duty of fighting fat phobia and anti-Blackness- inside and outside of our communities.

(AB) The liberation of the body is perhaps at the core of what liberation can look like. We often think about this in terms of queer, trans, femme, and incarcerated bodies, though I think we often neglect that fat bodies are under immense societal pressure as well. Our collective liberation is linked to how we provide resources and space for bodies across identities to exist in public space.

(AS) I wouldn’t say loving my Black fat body is connected to our collective liberation as much as humanizing my Black fat body is. While the definition of love can be defined and framed as humanization to some, it’s also used as a tool to codify assumptions of how we should feel about our bodies in order to be treated with respect. The relationship between fatphobia, antiblackness, ableism, colorism, and classism maintains a constant level of violence that harms everyone in different ways. When we protect, support, uplift, and humanize Black fat bodies, everyone gets free.

If any of my writing helps you in any way, please consider tipping here =>cash.me/$CodyCharles(Square Cash),@CodyCharles(Venmo), orpaypal.me/CodyCharles<=

This is the work of Cody Charles; claiming my work does not make me selfish or ego-driven, instead radical and in solidarity with the folk who came before me and have been betrayed by history books and storytellers. Historically, their words have been stolen and reworked without consent. This is the work of Cody Charles. Please discuss, share, and cite properly.

Bio:

Cody Charles is the author of Let It Be A Black Reckoning, Re-Imagining Black Love, You Can’t Outdo Black People, Getting To Know Rosa Lee: An Overdue Conversation With My Mother, Black Joy, We Deserve It, The Night The Moonlight Caught My Eye: Not a Review but a Testimony on the Film Moonlight, 5 Tips For White Folks, As They Engage Jordan Peele’s Get Out. (No Spoilers), Student Affairs is a Sham, 19 Types of Higher Education Professionals, and What Growing Up Black And Poor Taught Me About Resiliency. Join him for more conversation on Twitter (@_codykeith_) and Facebook (Follow Cody Charles). Please visit his blog, Reclaiming Anger, to learn more about him.