2018. More of this, less of that, and a happy new year to you too.
In September, I wrote about not being anywhere near my 2018 goals.
And it was fine. This year truly was something of its own — intense.
2018
Health
I started the year with two minor surgeries and a sprained ankle. Although the ankle and the shoulder surgery were just life happening, I’m convinced the second surgery was caused by the amount of stress I had put on myself.
Once I had relieved that stress, all was fine. With my back issues history, I try to remind myself as much as possible how grateful I feel that my back is supporting me and letting me live an active and adventurous life.
Work
I tried out one type of entrepreneurship, and was happy to get out of it quickly. That specific partnership didn’t work for me, and this experience also helped me stop define myself as an entrepreneur. Maybe I’ll be one some day, and maybe I won’t. It was liberating to turn this into an open door again.
I took a leap to move to New York and managed to chill about not having any certainty here. In order to do so, I had to turn down an offer that initially seemed extremely attractive but would have been a deadlock for me (thanks to the amazing people around me who challenged me enough for me to realize that).
I put in a lot of time and effort in looking for a job which led me to join the best company I could have hoped for — I currently miss the hell out of my colleagues after not seeing them during these holidays.
Mindset
I feel like I changed several times during this year. I was focused on evolving as a person — my word of the year was self-actualization, which is a heavy one. And sometimes I got lost.
Me pushing for advancing in my career totally made me lose sight of me as an individual.
My ego got alarmed and set out to protect itself (and me) several times. I’ve felt afraid by so many things, all of them coming down to the fear of not being loved (back).
Goals
After I found a job, I forced myself to slow down and enjoy all the work I had put in for the last 6 years. Since 2012, I had been goal-oriented and had been reaching them one after the other, always anticipating the next step.
So I felt like I deserved the courtesy of letting myself enjoy my job, but also take advantage of my free time to explore and live fully. I stopped looking at my 2018 goal list as a “must-achieve”, and decided to let go.
This actually got me closer to some of them, and I happened to find a list of 100 things I wanted to achieve in my life written in 2016, where I could already cross of a lot of items: visiting the Gran Canyon, singing in public…
I had forgotten I wrote down I wanted to get certified in scuba diving (which I did last November), or spend New Year’s Eve in New York (which I’m doing right now, although I never thought it would be my new home).
I still think writing goals for oneself is awesome to open the mind, force it to explore other things, help others help you achieve your goals (e.g. thank you B. for pushing me to start those violin lessons), and it’s just a fun thing to follow over time. Some of my 2016 goals are definitely outdated (for now) while some keep coming up.
Relationships
I don’t remind myself this enough: my boyfriend shared all the up’s and down’s of my 2018 rollercoaster. Throughout the year, he became one of my favorite people, .
I’ve reconnected with one of my closest friends from engineering school, who also lives in New York, and it’s been wonderful to reunite.
And I am happy to have close friends all over the world, of all backgrounds, age, countries, personalities and perspectives on life. I sometimes feel intensely lonely (see below), but the truth is I am blessed with meaningful and supportive friendships.
Of course, my parents remain unbeatable in the realm of being the most amazing human beings, as they support me in everything and prioritize my happiness over their own beliefs or concerns. My relation with my brother has also been evolving toward more closeness and trust, which feels great.
Finally, I had to let go of other friendships, whether that meant accepting they fundamentally changed (for now), or that they were put on hold (also for now). In those cases, I tend to feel the need to protect myself and control the situation by giving up “for good” on those relationships, but I’m trying to learn to be more peaceful, resilient and compassionate about it.
2019 — MORE
More writing
I had stopped writing for fear of negative judgement from others, after I mixed up my personal writing and my job seeking.
After a lovely chat with the nicest friend (she would think this is too formal), who told me to fucking let it out, which watered the seed that a few others had recently planted, I started writing again and felt an internal breeze of fresh air as soon as I finished my article.
I had lost sight of why I wrote, and in a few words, that friend was able to articulate it better than I ever have: it’s about me letting my thoughts out. “Just let it out man!”. It’s always been about that in the first place.
So it would be a wonderful gift from myself to myself to keep writing and not care about who-thinks-what-about-it.
More reading
Specifically regarding themes that move me, or make me think: life, self-awareness, attachment, love, zen habits and stoicism.
More yoga
Similar to the above. 4 months without a consistent practice got me to feel more afraid, more insecure, to compare myself to others way more, more negative, and prone to look for scape goats when I was always the one responsible for all of it.
After 2 weeks of getting back to my mat, I feel more relaxed, joyful, and positive.
More meditation
To generally help with being more present. I go back and forth with meditation, and still haven’t found my balance.
Sometimes I feel it, and sometimes I feel like I’m sitting around for 5 minutes, semi-looking at the timer to be able to check off a morning-routine item.
Work in progress.
More traveling
2018 was good but 2019 has so much potential. This year, I didn’t reach my target of two new countries —“only” one out of two, which turned out to be a unique trip — but 2019 is starting off strong and I could not be more excited.
More healthy things
Start swimming again, keep the sugar low, don’t overthink food. Keep things simple and don’t dwell on not having a perfect routine.
More nurturing friendships
See above.
2019 — LESS
Less attachment
Attachment is what has caused me the most heartache this year. The one person who taught me the most about recently put an end to our correspondance, which I guess is the ultimate way to teach non-attachment.
Less caring about what others may think
And not taking that as an excuse to not do something. That includes potential opinions of loved ones.
Less complaining
Negative thinking and complaining is an acquired habit. I fell into the complacence of it at the end of this year, and would get annoyed by the most little thing.
Less putting things off
Writing drafts that never meet the publishing line, opening tens of articles that I don’t end up reading, having a long list of things I want to learn (and spend more time making the list longer instead of picking an item). Even doing a review of my year was on my mind as a thing I would do… at some point… before or after the new year… meh.
As an old colleague and friend used to say that never = later (to an extent). I’ve realized this year that starting small today is better than starting big in some fuzzy non-real future.
Less unfairly feeling lonely
When I feel down, I tend to convince myself I’m lonely, but that is not true.
I am surrounded by the most amazing people, and anytime I have an issue, whatever it is, I know there’s someone in the world I can talk to about it.
Less forgetting to prioritize ‘me’
I’ve come to appreciate that being selfish is not such a bad thing, if that means I can be a better person to others. I tend to over-focus on others, and in the past months, have de-prioritized most of what makes me feel good and fulfilled.
Another gift to myself would be to remain aware of it, and course-correct when I need to.
Joy, abundance, love, awareness, exploration
are among what I would like my 2019 year to be about.
I may have many more things to say about these and other topics, and will do my best to share in the most authentic way I can.
