On Bathrooms

Welcome to the Men’s Room

The Problem With Pee Wee

Most of my dispatches from the Mill begin with me commenting on what Pee Wee is doing in the office. For example…

The Convocation

The weather was good today, so we held the Spring Convocation. It was a success. You were all invited:

Kel! So glad to see you back! *awkwardly starts playing with his hat*

Look, there is no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be out with it. We gave your bunk to one of the guys on the paint crew and everybody… and I mean everybody… took the shit that was in your desk.

Mother’s Day

The Easter after my mother died, I put a hot pot of peas on the dining room table and ruined the piece of furniture she had kept in perfect condition since she bought it at B. Altman’s in 1960.

Soon after that I wrecked the gold rim on three of her “tuxedo” pattern china plates…

The 2016 Commencement Address

[Here is the text of the commencement address delivered to the graduating class of Union College by his…