How to Use Death as a Life-Guiding Principle
On The Shortness of Life
I’ve lost two of my biggest idols within a year: Kobe Bryant and my stepmom.
My stepmom passed two days ago. Many of my memories of my stepmom have Kobe embedded in them for we’d watch every game together.
So when I remember Kobe, I remember my stepmom. And when I remember my stepmom, I remember Kobe.
It reminders that guide our motivations and behaviors. Is there a greater motivation than the reminder of death or the shortness of life?
But through the hustle and bustle of life, and the ease and temptation to resort to old patterns of thought, feeling, and action, the truth of our mortality is forgotten and we waste our most important asset: time.
On the Shortness of Life
“It is not that we have so little time but that we lose so much. … The life we receive is not short but we make it so; we are not ill provided but use what we have wastefully.” — Seneca
Seneca was a stoic philosopher and playwright. In his moral essay — On the Shortness of Life — Seneca reminds us that we’re all mortal and how to use this fact to take back control of our mind, body, and soul.
“It is not that we have a short time to live, but that we waste a lot of it.”
Understanding our time is limited, how can we make the most of what remains of it so life seems to slow down? What do we need to add or remove to stop wasting life?
But before I detail how we can use death as a life-guiding principle, I want to leave you with five more quotes from Seneca’s manifesto — On the Shortness of Life — because his words are profound and can have a major impact on your life:
1.“People are frugal in guarding their personal property; but as soon as it comes to squandering time they are most wasteful of the one thing in which it is right to be stingy.”
2.“Often a very old man has no other proof of his long life than his age.”
3.“But life is very short and anxious for those who forget the past, neglect the present, and fear the future.”
4.“You live as if you were destined to live forever, no thought of your frailty ever enters your head, of how much time has already gone by you take no heed. You squander time as if you drew from a full and abundant supply, though all the while that day which you bestow on some person or thing is perhaps your last.”
5.“It takes the whole of life to learn how to live, and -what will perhaps make you wonder more — it takes the whole of life to learn how to die.”
How to Use Death as a Life-Guiding Principle
Here are 3 strategies to stop wasting time and use death as a life-guiding principle:
1.Journal
“I never wrote things down to remember; I always wrote things down so I could forget.” — Matthew McConaughey
The most successful, wise, and creative made time journal: Oscar Wilde, Susan Sontag, Marcus Aurelius, John Quincy Adams, Anne Frank, Ralph Waldo Emerson, Virginia Woolf, Henry David Thoreau, Joan Didion.
And those are the names that made known about their journaling habit.
“I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.” — Oscar Wilde
“But what is more to the point is my belief that the habit of writing thus for my own eye only is good practice.” — Virginia Woolf excusing the messiness of her journal writing.
Perhaps (and I guarantee) there are plenty more silent journalers that are as accomplished as the list above.
But you could journal about many things: thoughts, observations, events, to-do lists, goals, etc.
How can we use journaling to use our time more efficiently?
Marcus Aurelius was a Roman Emperor who authored one of the most influential philosophical books — Meditations. The book happened to be his journal.
Aurelius would journal in the morning to plan his day and at night to reexamine how he used his time.
In a world full of distractions, we could all use a self-audit.
I must admit, I haven’t been a consistent journaler. I’ve always found the mainstream idea of a diary — to express genuine thoughts and feelings — unstrategic, forced, and apathetic. But Aurelius’ purpose behind journaling has inspired a consistent practice.
In the morning, I rewrite my goals and their why, and steps to accomplish them:
“I want to be a full-time writer because I love writing and I’m sick and tired of customer service jobs. I want my words to have an impact and heal others. I will write one article per day.”
“I want to eat healthy to avoid illness and live longer. I will eat primarily plant-based foods.”
“I want to heal trauma to emotionally flush my system of negative energy. I will do yoga and meditate every day.”
I rewrite mantras, phrases, or words to cultivate peace, resilience, and faith:
“Memento mori” — means to reflect on death. I also have this tattooed on the inside of my right bicep.
“One day at a time” — this was my stepmom’s life philosophy that grounded her in the present moment regardless of the tornado that engulfed her. Her words will probably be my next tattoo.
Similar to Aurelius, I inspect my day (without cruelty, shame, or harshness). I recall how obedient I was to my morning’s journal entry and the use of time.
2.Remember the Greats
This is going to sound awful, but I have to be genuine for you and myself: I cried more when Kobe than I did for my stepmom.
I know how that sounds to the ordinary person but Kobe was my idol, my comfort blanket, my light at the end of the tunnel.
My middle school years were chaotic. My mom was battling addiction and abusive relationships. I went to four middle schools and becoming a social chameleon was exhausting.
Kobe was dealing with his own issues at the time — a rape case, a public breakup with Shaquille O'Neal, and hate from mainstream media.
In a playoff game in 2004, Bryant woke up at 4am to be at a court in Colorado. He was in court until 3pm. Hopped on a plane to be back at Staples Center at 5:30pm. The game started at 7pm. While mentally, emotionally, and physically drained, Kobe scored 42 points against the San Antonio Spurs — the Lakers' toughest opponent that year.
I didn’t miss a Laker game because watching Kobe was my escape. He gave me emotions that reality tv, Facebook, and food could never. You couldn’t watch him play and not want to play or become the best person you could be.
Kobe Bryant was my fuel when I didn’t want to go to the gym. He was my emotional stability when my social anxiety got the best of me or when being a teenage millennial was overwhelming.
Most of the memories I have of my stepmom have Kobe tied to them because she’d (grudgingly) watch every game with my dad and me. She texted me on Kobe’s last game: “just watched his last game. Thinking of you.”
Kobe was my childhood and adulthood. I watched him play since 2000. He retired in 2016 when I was twenty-five. I spent most of my life watching Kobe. I still watch videos to this day to give me motivation.
I was making an espresso drink at the coffee shop I worked at when I heard about the news of Kobe’s death. I kept it together at work. But when I got home, I climbed into my bed, hid under the blankets, and cried. And cried. And cried some more.
Kobe is still my fuel, still my rock. When I’m feeling lazy I ask myself, “what would Kobe do?”
When I’m feeling defeated, “what would Kobe do?”
When I’m feeling scared, “what would Kobe do?”
When encountering hardship, “what would Kobe do?”
I don’t recommend putting any human on a pedestal because that will lead to disappointment and suffering for no person is perfect.
But we can learn a lot from the people around us.
We can learn how to build discipline, confidence, and perseverance from the ones we love without becoming their clone.
I’m me — Bryce — with Kobe sprinkled here and there on my heart and soul.
3.Choices
We become our environment.
The people, the work, the food, the hobbies we indulge in affect our mental and physical health as well as our time.
I had to separate myself from my mom to live on my own at twenty years old because I finally had the courage to set myself free of caretaking and codependency.
I ended a relationship with the girl I like more than the others because I knew deep down we weren’t meant for each other and it was draining me emotionally and physically.
I quit Starbucks after six years of struggle when I made peace with the unknown and uncomfortable of starting a new job.
I just quit a job that was paying me more than college graduates because I was more lifeless than working and going to school full-time.
I spent my teens and twenties valuing the opinions of others more than my own. I attempted to control how others perceived me through altering my viewpoints, body language, vocal tonality, hobbies, and attire. The fear of being disliked, feeling inferior, or less than perfect prisoned my authenticity and consciousness.
Food is energy. What you put into your mouth affects the processes in the mind and body. I yoyo dieted for years until I saw the impact cancer had on my stepmom.
The chemotherapy, radiation, balding, inability to pick up a piece of fruit or form sentences inspired me to make diet choices that would help me potentially avoid the same outcome and live longer.
Food has also lowered the pain in my muscles and joints and the feelings of anxiety and mental fog. Now I’m better able to focus on my work and accomplish what I want with what little time I have.
We are not victims of our thoughts and emotions. Peace, contentment, and joy are available to us as they’re innate birthrights.
I’ve lost two role models and two jobs within the last year. Of course, I’ve felt pain in my heart. Of course, I’ve shed tears. Of course, I’ve felt uncertain about the future.
But these emotions only I've as long as we're willing to give them oxygen.
I compassionately use my inner dialogue and breathe to soothe my suffering and reconnect to my gratitude for the present moment.
We have choices. This is the beauty of being an American citizen. And these choices can waste or make the most of the time we have on earth.
Final Thoughts
“What will I regret” I question as I imagine myself lying on my death bed with a few breathes remaining.
The answer is always wasting time on thoughts, feelings, people, and work that didn’t make me laugh, smile, or feel peace.
My time, your time, to leave may be tomorrow on your way to work or to a loved one's house. Or a year after a cancer diagnosis.
Death can leave us terrified. Or can become our life-guiding principle.
The choice is yours.
But I digress.
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