Letters

Dear Man Who Picked up a Bottle on the Seat Next to Me,

The staff of Sydney Trains usually cop a lot of shit. To be fair, shit needs to be copped, but often the copping is received by the employee that has nothing to do with the fact that the train is running late, or has has been altogether cancelled. But I shan’t give you…

Dear Charity Pest,

It’s not that I hate the idea of charity — I hate the way you use sales tactics on unsuspecting people who are just walking in the city to reach a quota of “do-gooders.”

You’re like a walking fountain of clickbait. “Do you know how many people are starving in the world?” you cry to…

Dear Coughing Person,

Shut your mouth you germ-belching homo sapien.

Regards,

Q

P.S. This is when and why you take sick days. Soon enough, this train will pull into a station scuffed with the shoe marks of millions of commuters, and you will add to…

Dear Bloke Sitting In Front Of Me Whose Team Lost In The Last Thirty Seconds,

Typically, I’m gracious in victory or defeat. The only times I’m not are when I’ve had too many beers and am unable to work through my feelings of sporting passion when my team loses by a very minimal amount, or if we beat our main rivals…

Dear Bloke At Gym With Pecs The Size Of My Head,

How much pre-workout do you have to have before you’re just basically snorting crushed coffee beans laced with Gatorade drink powder? If the answer is more than two servings, I’m surprised you haven’t died, or at least begun lifting the cars in the car park as some sort of…

Dear Woman That Found A Cute Toddler Walking Around,

Congratulations. You discovered a small person. If I had an award, I would present it to you in due fashion. However, we’re at a library, so there’s not many rewards I could give you that don’t have to be returned within a couple of weeks. Hold on, I’ll check my bag…

Dear Woman Eating Pad Thai On Train,

I first became aware of this new assault on my nostrils as I was considering how idiotic it was to have chosen the seat right up next to the window. Sure, the window seat on the train has its advantages, but I forgot that Sydney trains decided to place their air conditioning vents on the…

Dear Non-Athlete Who Defied The Odds And Scored At Touch Football,

It was tough to work out whether it was elation or relief that touched your face and shook your limbs as you placed the ball down past the crude line that the two heaped jumpers mapped out. You waved your hands in the air as the sweat poured from your limbs…

Dear Man Who Ate Someone Else’s Chips,

In that moment you resembled your spirit animal: the seagull. Your beady eyes, present even in the gloom of the pub, zeroed in on the people leaving next to you. Once you ascertained that they were definitely not coming back, your focus flicked to their leftover food. They’d done a good…

Dear Driver That Attempted To Park 23 Times,

I think I may have physically aged in the time it took you to size up the car park space, decide that you indeed wanted to try and park there, and attempt to park twenty-three times, before just managing to slide into the space without swiping the car on your right hand side.