The easiest way to be more feminine: Stop trying & feel everything ! (Article updated in 2024)
Love, instead of trying to change, the part of you that’s afraid to surrender to life; and, grieve your past hurts
In the new age world, there’s the idea that women need to embrace their “femininity.”
And, many courses and trainings are made to help women reclaim their “femininity,” etc
I’ve noticed that many fall into the trap of thinking if they were more “feminine” and open, they would find “love”, that if they weren’t open, there was something wrong and unspiritual about them so they don’t deserve love.
Because I was one of them.
As a matter of fact, I blamed myself for not being more feminine, more soft, more vulnerable, more open.
And, I tried to force myself to be more open so I could get love.
But it doesn’t work this way.
You can’t control love. And you can’t force yourself to open, soften, and be more vulnerable because then you’re making the part of you that distrusts wrong.
This is not self-love. This is not compassionate to yourself.
The part of you that distrusts was a coping mechanism created to protect yourself. You can’t get rid of it or force it to change.
And, your heart will open and soften when it wants to, not when you force it to get love. Your heart will recognise love when it recognises love. And you can’t control when or where that will happen.
The key is to love the part of you that distrusts and does not want to open.
Sometimes, the heart does not want to open for a valid reason — because your heart knows your boundaries, your mind may not.
You can only love when you have boundaries — when you know yourself and your boundaries (your desires, your needs), and stand for those boundaries.
If you’ve experienced much betrayal and disappointment, telling you that all is love and that you should just trust and surrender to the universe is futile at best, obnoxious at worst.
Because your past has led you to a certain set of beliefs. And if you have difficulty trusting, chances are you may have beliefs such as “I have to rely on myself. I can’t trust nobody, especially men, etc.”
And telling you to believe something different requires you to have new experiences in your life that validates the new belief (and disproves your old belief). But before you can actually attract such experiences in your life, you may have to change your thought patterns fundamentally.
And, changing those thought patterns requires you to grieve — To grieve what was and stare into the abyss that no matter how hard you tried, you couldn’t have changed the outcome to come into acceptance.
To stare into the abyss and simply do nothing but to feel everything.
And in that, comes acceptance. And then, you are changing the pattern.
Because the void is where the new emerges. Grieve and love the part of you that was hurt and betrayed by the world that it closed down, and hold this part that does not want to trust. This is self-love and compassion.
By extending yourself this self-love and compassion you will gradually open and can then extend the love towards others.
But this cannot happen without grieving what was.
If you allow yourself to go into that void and feel everything, you are already opening your heart. And, being more “feminine”, more open and vulnerable will come naturally AND easily to you, without you trying.
This is one of the most spiritual things you can do — to love the part of you that distrusts. Because when you’ve gone to that depth of pain you have experienced and transmuted it, you can help others because you recognize yourself in them.
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Originally published at nicolelana.com. Revised in May 2024.
