How to Close the Loop on Microaggressions
There are a number of ways that you can prepare to confront a person, or yourself, when you notice a microaggression—or subtle act of exclusion (SAE). The book Subtle Acts of Exclusion breaks down the many ways a situation like this can go, and the different paths you can take. Let’s start with a hypothetical:
You’re in an Uber, on the way to an event. Your Uber driver is making conversation, when all of a sudden a car cuts him off.
He says to you, “That’s probably a woman driving. Am I right? They never know how to drive.”
How do you react?
You might be taken aback. Maybe you agree with what he just said. Maybe you feel uncomfortable. I invite you to picture yourself in this situation and think about how your response. Would you laugh awkwardly and nod? Would you ignore the comment? Or, would you say something?
Check your bias
Our reactions tend to situations like these tend to stem from how we are socialized to respond in uncomfortable situations. If your reaction is to agree with the driver, why? Do you know for a fact that women are worse drivers than other folks? Do you believe this Uber driver was correct in his assumption? Is your unconscious bias affecting your judgment?
Once you’ve checked in on yourself, assess how your response may come across.
- If you laugh awkwardly and nod, you are showing that you’re uncomfortable and may not be ready to have the conversation on SAEs with this stranger.
- If you agree, were you just trying to keep the tension down, or do you genuinely agree that the driver who cut you off was a woman? How do you think agreeing with this person or nodding awkwardly affects the driver’s behavior? By not addressing the issue at hand and saying something, you are reinforcing the sexist behavior and allowing for the cycle to continue.
- If you speak up and say, “I don’t think that’s fair. I know a number of women who drive better than men,” you’re showing the driver that what he said wasn’t okay. That one comment might be enough for him to watch what he says to future passengers, and may even cause him to do some internal reflecting.
The ability to get to a space where you do feel comfortable confronting an SAE takes time. There is no shame in not being ready to tune in, address the comment or behavior, and then speak up and close the loop (or end the cycle). As long as you are working towards the goal of being an ally and understanding the impact of SAEs, you are doing courageous work.
If you would like to better understand how you can close the loop and speak up, read Subtle Acts of Exclusion by Dr. Tiffany Jana and Dr. Michael Baran. To learn more, get your copy of the book. You may feel fully equipped to handle future Uber driver SAEs once you’ve read it.
