Misgendering Someone Isn’t As Subtle As You Think It Is
Misgendering someone is the act of assuming someone’s gender identity and using corresponding language or actions. It is extremely invalidating. Let’s say you have a coworker named Olivia. Olivia is a transwoman who transitioned six months ago. She made it known to your company that she will now go by she/her, and would appreciate it if everyone respected those pronouns. This is a change for you and your other coworkers, who knew her as Oliver and used he/him for years. Your coworkers want to be supportive of Olivia being her true self, but still tend to use he/him and her old name instead of her new name and pronouns. Often, this seems to happen out of habit, not malicious intent. Olivia understands this, but feels she isn’t worth their effort. When Olivia hears others repeatedly misgender her, she feels invalidated, isolated, or that her true self isn’t good enough.
Misgendering causes heartbreak and pain for the person experiencing it. Think about a time someone has mispronounced your name or called you the wrong name all together. It doesn’t feel very good; and when it happens repeatedly, it can make you feel invisible and uncomfortable. Being misgendered has the same effect, but more severe. Misgendering in this instance is a slip-up. It was most likely inadvertent, but the damage it causes is very real. Non-binary people, trans* people, people who dress androgynously, masculine, or feminine (regardless of sex assigned at birth) deserve the same amount of respect as any other human.
The book Subtle Acts of Exclusion explains why understanding this is so important, while going into greater detail on the effects of being misgendered. Before using gendered language or addressing someone with pronouns rather than their name, think about how well you actually know the person. Are you positive the language you’re using is the correct form for this person? Have you asked for their pronouns before? Are you basing things off of appearance? Check in with yourself. Subtle Acts of Exclusion tells stories, offers examples, and guides you through exercises like these to help you understand the impact of microaggressions like misgendering. If you want to be an ally to non-cisgender people, an excellent and low-key way of showing support is by simply asking for their pronouns and then working to get them right. It’s simple, but very effective. Being seen as who you truly are and respected enough to be addressed accordingly can be life-saving.
