We’re Dating, Not Sisters
Subtle acts of exclusion are small, passive words or actions that invalidate someone’s identity or feed into stereotypes and societal norms that oppress certain demographics. Sexuality is a common identity that can lead to people making assumptions and acting out SAEs. This usually isn’t done out of malice, but more out of ignorance or letting assumptions get the best of you. Everyone has perpetuated an SAE of some kind as well as been victim to them, maybe more than we realize. They are so common and ingrained in our everyday vernacular/slang that noticing you are doing it and/or hearing them often goes unnoticed.
I know I have both perpetuated and been victim to SAEs. The most common one I have experienced personally is, “Are y’all sisters?” whenever I would go out with my female partner. I’m not sure why people felt the need to ask us if we were sisters. That’s not a common question to get from strangers, especially when my partner and I look nothing alike. But it was a common occurrence nonetheless. Whether we were grocery shopping, stopping for gas, or on a date, we were usually presented with The Question. Our answer was always the same, “No, actually we’re dating”. The look on the person’s face would be of embarrassment, disgust, or shock. We usually received an awkward laugh and a stuttering excuse about how we looked so much alike. Sometimes we got an apology.
The Question, objectively, is innocent. The people probably saw two women who looked close and comfortable with each other, our body language showing we were more than friends. But ingrained and socialized heteronormativity wouldn’t allow them to see us as partners. Instead, the most logical thing was sisters.
In reality, The Question always brought us shame, fear, and left us feeling invalid. What more could we do to be seen as partners, or to have our relationship be seen as “normal”? The shame was associated with the invalidation. Feeling like we weren’t seen, feeling like we were constantly being called out by strangers. The fear was always there, whether people asked The Question or not.
We still live in a world where queer people cannot safely be open and free. When my partner and I would have to answer The Question we usually paused to assess the situation — Is it safer to just say we’re friends? Most of the time, because we were in public, and hoped someone would step in if the person responded violently, we opted to just say it how it was. That didn’t make it any less scary, but it was validating and hopefully got the point across to not ask people The Question. The validation came from the pride and bravery it took for us to openly “come out” to these strangers. It gave us hope that maybe the shame or feeling of discomfort that came from assuming and being called out would keep this person from asking The Question again.
It is on each of us as individuals to educate ourselves on these matters and to do better. Once we are educated, we can assist others in recognizing ostracizing behaviors and help end the cycle.
To learn more about how you can handle SAEs, how to intervene, and how to educate yourself and others, get your hands on a copy of Subtle Acts of Exclusion.
