Riding the Bi-Cycle Monogamously
When the bi-cycle hits hard, we explore it together.
Before I even realized that bisexual was something I could be, I unknowingly had bi-cycle issues. When it came to sexy time with my wife, I was frequently totally present and satisfied and didn’t need to think about anything else. But there were waves of time where the only way for me to finish was by fantasizing about some anatomy that my wife did not have. While this was actively happening I felt frustrated, embarrassed, ashamed and even broken.
After my wife (who is bisexual herself) helped me finally recognize my bisexuality, I scoured the internet, podcasts and audiobooks looking for information and similar experiences. I was almost hoping for some kind of easy-to-read, one-size-fits-all, step-by-step guide on how to be a bisexual man.. newly out in his 40s.. who is in a long-term monogamous marriage with a woman and wants to keep it that way. (I’m still looking for it, if you find it, please let me know!)
Through researching and going to in-person events, I began to feel more comfortable with my bisexuality. I found a sense of belonging and community. Early on, I kept hearing people commenting on “the bi-cycle hitting hard.” I had read about the bi-cycle but it wasn’t until I heard people talking about it that I better understood the concept. But, it still took a long while for me to connect the bi-cycle to my past issues.
As I began to openly express my bisexuality, my wife encouraged me to share with her which people I found attractive. Some time later, there was a guy on TV that looked very good to me and I mentioned it to her. A day or two later, my wife pointed out a man on TV who she thought I would enjoy. It took me a minute or two, but I then realized: Yes, I’m into this guy/character. I quickly entered a masc swing in my bi-cycle and I finally realized that those waves of time in my past were just part of this same cycle of shifting attractions.
That first bi-cycle after I had accepted my bisexuality felt very new yet familiar. Even with our open communication and my wife’s reassurances that she was fully accepting and loved of all of me, I still felt scared and ashamed. I had read that some people’s bi-cycles go on for long stretches, even years. I freaked out that by embracing my bisexuality I had messed something up for my marriage. We’d discussed consensual non-monogamy in our earliest days together and we’ve revisited the topic and know it’s just not what we are looking for in our relationship.
But I’ve found there are a lot of different ways to ride the bi-cycle while remaining monogamous.
My wife is completely supportive and exploring my masc attractions alongside her for the first time was reassuring that she was going to stick with me. Even though she has never given me any hint that she would leave me because of my bisexuality, I kept thinking of all the break-up stories I’d seen and heard from bi men, some of which, surprisingly, included bi women as their partners. Stories of bi men in marriages or long-term relationships which did not survive after they came out as bisexual hit me hard, still today.
When I bi-cycled out of being mostly attracted to guys, I felt relieved that I had come back to my typical attraction. And in the afterglow of this bi-cycle, I found my wife was attractive to me on a whole different level. She was not only sexy in all the old ways but a whole new way, too. And I even loved her in a whole new way, which is hard for me to explain. I found that I was attracted not just to her femininity (which I had kind of taken for granted in the past), but I also loved her non-conformity to femininity (which I hadn’t really paid attention to before). I was more connected to this person, my partner, than ever.
My wife further strengthened this connection and support by being open to changing up our sex life to help with my bi-cycle. From short bursts of role play where she performs her take on masc energy/movements, to taking it a step further with dressing up in a nude-colored compression bra along with costume facial hair, to always encouraging whatever toys I am in the mood for.
A half a year later, the next masc swing in my bi-cycle hit and it was much less awkward for me. In accepting it and knowing my wife would be there no matter what, I allowed myself to do simple things that felt liberating. For example, hitting play on the MLM movie or TV show rather than just hovering over the description and looking at the picture.
I started to watch a foreign show on Netflix called Smiley. This had a MLM sex scene that made me blush even while watching it alone. I told my wife about the scene and the show. My self esteem is still low enough to where I was bracing for rejection, yet all I received was a smile and her saying she was happy I found something to watch.
This last time around, I found that with my awakened appeal for my wife, even with my bi-cycle “hitting hard” towards guys, she was still incredibly attractive to me and I wanted all of her.
The bi-cycle happens for me and many others and sometimes it hits hard. After this last round, I find myself finally feeling comfortable with this aspect of bisexuality and feeling confident that my marriage can survive it. I am so thankful for being with someone who is completely supportive and who finds pleasure in exploring enjoyable ways to ride the bi-cycle monogamously, together.
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