20. Daddy Pig — that’s you. Occasionally you’ll be upgraded to Wise Old Elf but most of the time you’ll be Daddy Pig

21. When you have a daughter you will become a feminist

Because What The F#%k?!

13. Why parents drive massive cars

It’s not about status

4. The further you are from your change bag, and the more intimate the setting, the more poo your baby will produce.

Aeroplanes are their specialty — maybe it’s the altitude

17. They only cry until you leave

The day care drop-off can be heartbreaking.

14. Feed small mouthfuls often

Those chipmunk movies are actually training videos.

18. Green poo — too much foremilk

Your baby mumma is more exhausted than usual

16. Always be one meal ahead of the game

Preparation equals safety

1. Clean the highchair before the baby

The order of operations is important.

Clean the highchair tray first — that stops the baby from re-contaminating themselves — then clean the baby’s hands, then face.

8. You do way more than 10,000 steps per day!

About three years after I got it, I discovered that my phone counts my steps. I had a look — just curious — and discovered that my activity levels on days when I am with the children are off the scale!