How Do You Keep the Swinger Lifestyle from Wrecking Your Marriage?
For us, fucking other couples is all about sex and nothing else. You gotta compartmentalize.
I received a thought-provoking reader question that I’m jazzed to answer:
My husband and I are in our mid-30s and we’re interesting in experimenting with swinging. We’ve enjoyed reading your posts and they’ve inspired us to go from talking about testing out the lifestyle to actually thinking seriously about it. How do you and your wife keep your lifestyle from coming between you? I ask because that’s a big fear my husband and I have. — Amy and Jason
First, I can’t stress enough to Amy and Jason: If you have any reservations about swinging, such as a fear it could come between you, don’t do it. Don’t engage in the lifestyle until or unless you are both completely on the same page.
Although the vast majority of couples we know and have known in the lifestyle are happily married and deeply in love, there have been a few over the years that went into nonmonogamy without being on the same page and they crashed and burned and it was ugly and sad. Also, remember: While you can always leave the lifestyle, as some do, one can never undo or un-remember what happened while in it.
With all that said, to answer Amy and Jason’s question — how do we keep the lifestyle from coming between us? — I first must emphasize that Lauren and I have had our moments. But we made it through our missteps and are stronger and now more in love than ever. Got it?
OK, this may seem a bit theoretical but it’s really not. We need to acknowledge and briefly explore the four dimensions of being human beings: physical, spiritual, emotional and sexual. We need to go there because the four dimensions — they’re fundamental needs we all have — are the literal-fucking basis for how we keep the lifestyle from coming between us. Let’s now quickly break them down, shall we?
Physical
This pertains to the overall physical state, specifically bodily movement and expression, exercise/exertion, normal bodily functions, sensory pleasure, pain, sickness, touch, affection, and the list goes on. It also encompasses the basic needs for clothing, shelter and food. Some might also lump sexuality in with the physical. There is certainly a sexual component of the physical dimension of being a human, but I’m going to argue sexuality is its own dimension of the human experience.
Spiritual
Spiritual does not necessarily mean religious. While many of us fulfill our spiritual needs by practicing religion, the spiritual dimension comes down to believing in a higher power — something greater than ourselves. Some call that higher power God, nature, the sun, karma, etc. Whatever the case, the spiritual dimension of our beings helps us know our place in the world, feel purpose, and want to do good works and serve others.
Emotional
We humans have eight emotions. People may disagree on what the specific human emotions are but I tend to believe they are anger, fear, pain, joy, passion, love, shame and guilt. All eight emotions are important and have their place, and none is necessarily “bad.” Yet it is important to maintain emotional balance and composure and to know which emotions are appropriate for specific circumstances.
Sexual
And now my favorite of the four dimensions! At our core, we humans are sexual creatures who are driven to mate and procreate. We experience sexual desire for each other, even when we may not want to feel such desire (such as for a coworker, a teacher, a boss or someone else’s spouse). Sexual desire is an instinct, not a decision. Whether or not we act on our desire is a decision (requiring consent).
The sexual dimension includes our sexual identities — me as a straight male, Lauren as a bisexual female, and us as a practicing non-monogamous couple.
As humans, sexual pleasure motivates us, and we achieve it by having sex with others and also by masturbating — healthy practices. If you ask Lauren and me, no pleasure quite exceeds sexual pleasure. A wonderful benefit of a romantic, intimate relationship is the opportunity to enjoy sexual pleasure together. One of the greatest gifts to the one(s) we love is to pleasure them in a way that lets them orgasm, and then to be vulnerable and let them do the same for us.
When the four dimensions are healthily experienced and working together, that is happiness. That is an integrated life. Yet, to be a happy swinging couple, there has to be some compartmentalization, I’ll explain…..
So, what the fuck do the four dimensions have to do with not letting swinging wreck a relationship? When we think about the four dimensions, swinging should really be about the sexual dimension and nothing else. In our experience, when couples that swing allow the lifestyle to encroach on the physical, spiritual and emotional dimensions and needs, that is when trouble happens.
For Lauren and me, our physical, spiritual and emotional dimensions are distinct from our practice of the lifestyle. This requires some compartmentalization for sure. Of course, as a married couple, we have a very satisfying sexual dimension to our relationship, but for us — because we’re non-monogamous — the sexual dimension has two aspects to it. These two aspects are quite radical in the eyes of traditional monogamous couples. Here goes…..
The first and most important aspect of our sexual needs is what we do together as spouses in love and also with Piper, our polyamorous girlfriend. We thoroughly enjoy each other sexually and can express our carnal needs and desires to each other. Good sex helps keep the fire between Lauren and me burning hot, and it’s a huge benefit to have Piper as our shared girlfriend, which also keeps things exciting. Piper also meets a few needs for Lauren as a bisexual woman. Simply put, we love polyamory.
The other aspect of our sexual needs as a couple connects to a primal desire we humans have to essentially fuck whoever we’re attracted to. Our lifestyle allows Lauren and me to have a lot of sex partners, to live promiscuously, and to live well beyond monogamy. We struggle to accept monogamy as the “way things ought to be.” For both of us, we relish the freedom to go to our lifestyle clubs, meet likeminded couples who we’re attracted to, and have sex with those couples. We like to have group sex, engage in threesomes and foursomes, swap with other couples, and occasionally participate in “orgies” because they’re all pleasurable and fun.
Sounds crazy? Consider this truth: I guarantee you there is not a married person out there who hasn’t at least once fantasized about someone other than their spouse. Those fantasies come from the often repressed sexual dimension of their being, and Lauren and I choose to fully engage in that dimension together, not deny or minimize it.
What this all leads to….
So, while we consider our friends in the lifestyle to be couples we know and care about — people we love to laugh with, have dinner and drinks with, play games with — much of what we do with them and they do with us has a sexual endgame to it. It’s about sex.
If we did allow our friends in the lifestyle into the other dimensions of our being, then we’d run the risk of lines getting blurred, feelings for others developing and great risk of infidelity. Nonmonogamous sex without guardrails has that power. In essence, our friends in the lifestyle are our sex partners.
Hope that helps!
