Thoughts from a Swinger Couple on Marriage and Sex
The complexities of the swinger lifestyle can be successfully navigated in a healthy marriage. We’ve managed to do it while tallying hundreds of sex partners over the years.
Nearly 23 years into our marriage, Lauren and I have been reflecting on the wonderfully rich and fulfilling, though nontraditional, journey we’ve been on together.
So many couples never reach 23 years, including several we’ve known within and outside of the swinger lifestyle. We consider ourselves fortunate: We’re still deeply in love, happy, committed and desirous of each other even as we’ve tallied literally hundreds of sex partners over the years.
One of the most important aspects of our marriage is our vibrant, active and unique sex life. We have made great sex a priority. The great sex we enjoy nearly daily together, with our lover Piper and with others is not just a byproduct of what we share as a couple but also one of the direct causes of our happiness and contentment.
For us, daily sex, kink and extreme kink all provide opportunities for mutual pleasure, physical affection, sexual expression and exploration, loving dialogue, great memories and true vulnerability. Great sex is a virtually unlimited fuel for the fire we have for each other!
When we think about and discuss the nontraditional aspects of our marriage and how we navigate them, we’re reminded that human sexuality is not just a powerful force but also incredibly mysterious. Human sexuality’s interface with marriage is a hugely important topic that too many couples struggle with mostly because they feel uncomfortable talking openly and honestly about secret fantasies, naughty desires, fetishes, etc.
For example, how many people out there in a committed relationship are LGBTQIA+ and miserable because it’s a deep secret? Lots. I’m married to a bisexual woman and thank god she’s open about it with me and able to experience other women on her own and with me.
Sex is entirely too important not to discuss with candor and take to the outer limits of what a couple is comfortable and able to do. Allow me to share some thoughts from our own experience.
All of us experience sexual desire every single day. As one of Lauren’s friends who’s a sex therapist recently shared, we humans possess an innate desire to have sex and procreate especially with others who we find attractive.
That’s an uncomfortable thought when you dig into it. But desire doesn’t equal intent. I once had a boss who I found attractive, meaning she was sexually appealing to me. Would I ever fuck her? No. Lauren’s younger sister is hot. Would I ever have sex with her? No. Why? Because desire doesn’t always equal intent. The desire itself isn’t something to feel shameful about — it’s OK to desire others. Acting on the desire when it’s beyond what you and your partner have agreed to (cheating) is the problem— even when you’re swingers like Lauren and I.
If Lauren strips down in a seductive way and is nude, I’m going to get hard, want her (desire) and fancy sex with her (intent). If she knows she’s turned me on and likes it, that’s going to elicit a sexual response in her — she’s going to get wet and her nipples will harden (her desire). We then have a sexual connection (shared intent) and will act on it by having enjoyable sex. Vice versa as well. I may do something that turns her own and makes her desire sex.
We recently conducted an interesting experiment. We were both quite horny for each other and I slid my cock all the way into her very wet vagina, but I didn’t move my dick at all once in her. There in our trusty doggy-style position, we wanted to see how long we could resist any sexual thrusting. I stayed put inside her. Just being inside her pussy — feeling her incredible wetness, seeing the look of pleasure on her face, watching her breathing change once I’d penetrated her, feeling my cock throb— sexually overwhelmed me. I tried to resist cock thrusts but I literally could not stop myself from fucking her. She immediately responded by fucking me back!
The same was true in the inverse on a separate occasion. I was on my back. She got on top of me a la cowgirl. She stayed put only for a few seconds before she had to start riding me. She couldn’t help it. Once there was penetration, there was no turning back.
Sex is in fact so physically pleasurable and good for us humans that science has enabled us to enjoy it without the result being pregnancy unless that’s the plan. Birth control devices, vasectomy, tubal ligations, etc. have all allowed humans to have sex just for the fun of it. Sex is the only thing I can think of that feels just as good today as it did 26 years ago, when Lauren and I got together.
Let’s talk about the sticky topic of masturbation. First, a reality check:
Basically everyone masturbates.
Masturbation is a subject too many committed couples avoid and keep secret. They shouldn’t! Getting off on yourself is a part of being human and has a place in a healthy marriage and relationship.
When Lauren and I want sex but can’t have it, perhaps because we’re physically apart due to business travel, etc., oftentimes we turn to self-pleasure (frequently while I’m traveling, Lauren and Piper have sex and I’m the one left to masturbate— unless I’m where Allison lives!).
Other times, Lauren and I self-pleasure together and sometimes with others, but we also do it alone. It can help fill a need when we’re apart (as noted above), and sometimes it meets other needs. We do not hide it from each other; in fact, we tell each other every single time we self-pleasure.
Lauren’s shared that pleasuring herself isn’t always about me, i.e., she may not be thinking about me or us when she’s getting herself off. She might be thinking about Piper. Or she may just in her own pleasure enjoying her body and that’s enough. For me, I masturbate when 1) she’s not around, 2) Piper isn’t available and 3) I feel the need to ejaculate. All that to say our outlooks on self-pleasure are different. Lauren’s more about the journey and I’m more about the destination. We respect those differences.
The pleasure of sex is entirely too wonderful for it to have been anything other than a gift from above (not to get religious — not my intent). Which brings me to a complex subject for swingers: the institution of marriage.
When we marry, we’re told we’re essentially committing to one partner, who is both a life partner and sexual lover, for the rest of our lives. This is a huge and sometimes hard commitment, and it’s no surprise that one of the leading reasons marriages dissolve is infidelity. A big reason for infidelity is a lack of sexual satisfaction and true intimacy with one’s partner, which can lead to affairs.
Lauren and I have together chosen to participate in the swinger lifestyle, which we think for us short-circuits the infidelity that otherwise would happen because she and I are both very sexual creatures. Because Lauren is bisexual, nonmonogamy was never a choice if we were to be happy — she required in me an acceptance of her living our her sexuality. From that, our relationships with other women and ultimately our swinging with other couples evolved.
We navigate the lifestyle together by communicating honestly about our desires and feelings and committing to overcome and never repeat the inevitable setbacks of nonmonogamy. We decide together who we sleep with and what we with them.
The problem in so many marriages that end in divorce, I think, is a disconnect between 1) healthily living out sexual desires and 2) staying committed, leading men and women to secretly seek sexual fulfillment with and from others (infidelity) or by their own hand. This could also be a reason porn addiction is such a big problem nowadays. Where Lauren and I have somehow gotten things right is in our willingness to have a marriage where we can probe our sexual desires together and with others and feel safe doing so.
At a base level, what this means is that sometimes we “fuck.” Sometimes we get quite kinky, and other times we get very kinky. Sometimes we fuck each other; sometimes we fuck others. Sometimes we get fetishy. Sometimes we use extremely kinky sex toys, role-play, enjoy domination and submission, etc. That’s the wild side of what we have and what we do, and it’s allowed me to see the kinky side of my wife and for her to see that side of me.
The kinky side, you could say, is fueled 100% by desire, curiosity and instinct. In so many marriages, it’s this side that’s repressed and hidden; for us, it’s set free because we talk, share and never judge each other’s desires. Other couples we know who are also in touch with this side of their4 sexual beings tend to be happier together and can successfully navigate the swinger lifestyle.
At the same time, we have always recognized, perhaps subconsciously, that sexual adventure and deeply sexually enjoyable and kinky experiences together aren’t nearly enough to sustain what we have. So we also frequently make love — the ultimate fuel for our relationship.
I have thought a lot about the definition of “making love.” To me, making love is an act we do to feel vulnerable together, experience pleasure together, give ourselves to each other and share sexual pleasure together. Intimacy is the goal of making love — not orgasm — though for us making love always results in orgasm! When we make love, we hold hands, we kiss, we say “I love you,” we stroke each others bodies. Afterward, we hold each other. It’s tender.
We have always sought to maintain balance between kink and intimacy, but at times the kinky side has taken up too much space (it’s a lot of fun). We have managed to self-correct along the way. Not to suggest kink and intimacy are mutually exclusive; they are not. Sometimes truly naughty, kinky sex can morph into incredibly vulnerable and loving sex.
The key for us — and we think any successful intimate relationship including marriage — is to be open and honest.
