NES Games No One Played: Letter P

16 WEEKS STRAIGHT BABY!

I’ve got a pretty extensive NES collection and have for years been writing about the best games for the system while also trying to collect every title. As such, I feel like I’ve spent tons of time playing all the great games while the lesser known titles usually come in the mail and go straight onto the shelf. I wanted to make more of an effort to explore the entire library of the NES, not just the classics, and so I’m trying out some buddies I either popped in and immediately out or never played in the first place. Since I’ve got them organized alphabetically, let’s continue on with the Letter P.

• Letter A can be found here
• Letter B can be found here
• Letter C can be found here
• Letter D can be found here
• Letter E can be found here
• Letter F can be found here
• Letter G can be found here
• Letter H can be found here
• Letter I can be found here
• Letter J can be found here
• Letter K can be found here
• Letter L can be found here
• Letter M can be found here
• Letter N can be found here
• Letter O can be found here

PETER PAN AND THE PIRATES | 1991

On the cover the actual name reads “Fox’s Peter Pan and the Pirates: The Revenge of Captain Hook”, making this easily the most cumbersome title in the entire NES library. Not to be confused with Hook which was released a year later, Peter Pan and the Pirates (hereafter known as PPP) is based on an entirely unrelated Saturday Morning. I mean I say unrelated, but they’re both telling the exact same story as the hundreds of other Peter Pan adaptations. For those that don’t know, many of the famous characters developed before or around the 20th century are now Public Domain which is why you see a new Dracula / Frankenstein / Robin Hood / King Arthur / King Kong adaptation come out every few years; Hollywood studios don’t have to pay for the rights! I do not remember PPP at all, but it was on the air long enough to get an NES game based on it made (one year!) Oh snap, and this is one of those titles that was only released in North America. I can’t seem to find a list that details all of them, but it’s pretty rare that there’s a game that was released outside of Europe AND Japan. Well, if you lived anywhere outside of the US, Mexico, or Canada consider yourselves fortunate to have missed out because this game blows the big one.

One thing I’ve learned in this review process is that a super easy way to tell a game is awful happens right after you hit the power button and you see the crew credits before the first level. It’s like the developers were worried that no one would ever make it to the end and thus never get to see the names of the people responsible . Well, they were right! After giving credit where shitty credit it due, you start the game up and…wow, let that color brown wash over you! You play as Peter (a doy!) and you’re gifted with the tiniest, most useless one pixel knife I’ve ever seen. I mean damn, I’ve seen some small weapons before but Jesus Christ. Maybe it was a full-sized sword but it’s size and usefullness matches it’s owner, so once this pint sized goober picked it up the sword shrank sown to Pan sized proportions. It’s almost as shitty as Peter’s rat-tail.

Peter can fly, but for the longest time I could not figure how to consistently do it. I thought if I held the jump button that would work, but I kept dropping and rising. All you have do is jump then press a button on the d-pad and you’ll start floating slowly in that direction. You need this ability to reach hard to reach spots, but your time is limited (based on how much gold you collect). Of course while floating you can’t use your knife which I guess makes sense otherwise you’d just turn this into a shoot-em up and flysplode every bad guy in sight. Man that might’ve been actually, I don’t know, FUN! What really sucks is that this is obviously the main gameplay mechanic, essentially the equivalent of Scrooge’s pogo jump from Duck Tales, but because it uses the D-pad you’ll find yourself constantly flying when you don’t want to and not flying when you absolutely need to. Aside from the usual random enemies like pirates, spiders, and pterodactyls(?) they included the most obnoxious bad guy of the all: every pit, instead of killing you, takes you back to the beginning of the stage. Every pit. FUCK THAT.

The music is way too high pitched so even if there were a decent melody hidden in there your ears have to want to hear Geddy Lee’s helium solo in order to enjoy it. There are only two sound effects: <plink> for jumping and <plunk> for attacking. I know this because on the first level I caused the music to glitch out and stop playing, leaving only the occasional starter-kit sound effects to illuminate the game’s aural mood. What else, well other than PPP looking and sounding like shit, it also plays like shit. The hit detection is horrendous, the jumping is awkward, the aforementioned flying is both the gift and the curse, and worst of all Peter Pan and the Pirates is completely reminiscent of every boring time wasting action platformer you’ve ever wished you hadn’t rented from Blockbuster. But hey, that describes about 40% of the NES library sooooo at least it’s in good company!

Similar Games: Hook

PHANTOM FIGHTER | 1990

At first glance, this game has a lot of things working against it. One, there is not a more generic sounding action game on the NES than “Phantom Fighter” (hmmmm maybe KickMaster). Two, this game was developed by Marionette who also made the atrocious Dr. Chaos. Three, and I mean absolutely no offense to any people in Asia, but the NES games that are heavily entrenched in Chinese/Japanese culture are for the most part either A) not good, or B) too culturally obtuse for the 80’s Western audience. Nowadays, global cultures are waay more intermixed and it’s just as common for a kid in rural Kansas to know more about the latest random anime than the score of their local sports team, but in the 80’s no-one in America had heard of Dragon Ball let alone “Mr. Vampire” the 1985 kung-fu horror film on which Phantom Fighter is based. And so much like Nobunaga’s Ambition and Burai Fighter, Phantom Fighter has been sitting on my shelf for years untouched by man and Nintendo machine alike. Well today is it’s lucky day to get blown…free of dust!

When you first boot up the game, you’re greeted with the GREATEST INTRO OF ALL TIME: a coffin vibrates and lights up before exploding revealing this clammy looking ancient body. When the paper scroll falls off his face his eyes open and the DEAD AWAKEN! I would have been terrified by this cutscene as a kid. My friend owned Friday the 13th growingup and I refused to play it, and even watching him play I’d freak out when Jason suddenly appeared. It all seems rather silly nowadays but to a 7 year old kid this was real nightmare material! And Phantom Fighter may be the scariest of them all!

Apparently you and your young apprentice (who follows you around but doesn’t help you fight at all, dick) are brought into this town to fight off the “Kyonshies” which are Chinese zombies? In each house there’s at least one of these enemies followed by a townsperson who might heal you, give you a scroll, teach you a new technique, etc. This game is a lot deeper than I was expecting, with a leveling/exploration system similar to Flying Warriors or if you squinted your eyes, ears, and general enjoyment of life, River City Ransom. The character sprites are pretty decent, but I especially like the backgrounds. Every room is different and there’s lots of little details spread throughout the frame. Just play a few seconds of this game and then pop in Peter Pan and the Pirates and you’ll see exactly what I mean.

So how is Phantom Fighter? Well, like some other “almost made it” games I’ve reviewed in the past, Phantom Fighter has many of the qualities that would make it a Top 50 NES title: decent graphics, cool story, neat leveling mechanics and items, and an original/unusual premise. What’s it lacking? Fun. The interface looks fine and the spirit is there, but the actual playing of the game is basically fight one enemy at a time, Karate Champ style. The Kyonshies at first appear to be the least threatening enemies of all time: they all stand with their arms out in front of them, then slowly leap at you. It seems pretty easy, and with the first couple dudes you can just mash kick repeatedly, but as the game progresses you have to adjust your strategy especially as the number of them per house increases. Of course, the only reason these guys are tough is the ultimate one two punch of bad games: shitty hit detection and clunky awkward controls. Your character has that weird thing where he actually turns in place a la Prince of Persia before changing directions, and this is really frustrating when you’re trying to perfectly position yourself to be close enough to the zombie to hit him without getting hit yourself.

It’s a shame really, but for any game developers out there, this is a perfect study. Its got great elements, fresh ideas, and crippling faults which in turn make it an excellent game to examine, steal from, and improve upon. However, if you do decide to base your next game on Phantom Fighter, I expect to see my name in the credits…BEFORE the game starts of course ;)

Similar Games: Flying Warriors, Karate Champ

PLATOON | 1988

Oooohhh a Sunsoft game, what a treat! Those guys made Batman, Blaster Master, Gremlins 2, and Ufouria, so this has gotta be at least decent. Awww shit, it’s developed by Ocean?!? Oh boy we’re in for it then, those guys were the plague of NES movie licensed games (Cool World, Hudson Hawk, Hook, yeesh). Seriously, for all the flack LJN gets it’d be a real race to the shitty finish between them and Ocean. I was only four when the Platoon movie came out, and while my friends and I were aware of it, I definitely had no idea what the subject matter was. Along with Cliffhanger, Hunt for Red October, and Untouchables, Platoon is one of those totally adult movies that for some bizarre reason got adapted for the young, impressionable video game playing audience.

Well, the first thing to tackle here is the controls. B fires your gun, while A throws a grenade. Down ducks and Up jumps which is never great, and to get your soldier to jump AND move in a direction is waaay harder than it should be. What’s worse though is that the game is a maze. When you reach an open space in the bushes above or below you, you can enter that gap to reach another part of the level. Except that the way you enter those bush exits is by pressing Up or Down which means that there are times when you’re trying to go to the next area but you instead jump or duck, and then there’s times where you’re trying to jump over a tripwire but instead find yourself unintentionally back on the previous screen. How they fucked this up so bad is beyond me, it’s the central gameplay mechanic of Platoon and it doesn’t work!

As I mentioned, Platoon is a maze. You walk around, shooting enemies and jumping over ground obstacles, walking in various directions trying to figure out where the fuck you’re supposed to be going. If you run into a tree, that’s a dead end. So you keep going and going, shooting dudes indiscriminately until you find some explosives. What do you do with them? I don’t know, that’s as far as I got. There’s an ammo meter, but it never seems to go up or down. There’s also a Morale meter that I’m totally clueless about. Apparently later you can choose to shoot villagers which lowers the morale of the other troops. That my friends is fucking DARK. Later on there’s these bizarre first person levels like in Fester’s Quest but all the walls are blood red so it just looks like a terrifying hell-scape. I went to Vietnam a few years ago and toured some of the famous tunnels they used for guerilla warfare and aside from, yes not being red colored, they were all about 3.5 feet tall. I’m 6'3" so there were spots where I had to full on crawl to pass through. The whole place was like this bizarre death trap Disney Land, all the tour guides were beyond ecstatic about showing you Tiger Pits and letting you fire off AK-47s. There was an old hippie dude on the tour who went in those exact tunnels while serving in the Vietnam War and here he was forty years later having the best time doing it again! I was a really surreal experience. Not sure why I decided to share this anecdote…

One thing I really hate about poorly designed games is when the music continues after you pause the game. Jesus I’m trying to take a break here, give me some peace and quiet! Platoon is of course one of those games, but because I so often pause for long periods at a time while I jot down notes, I noticed something odd: after a minute, the music loop ends and the song stops completely. So here I am thinking “finally, that soundtrack tuckered itself out” only for ten seconds to pass and…the music starts up all over again. It’s like someone giving you a glass of water in hell.

Similar Games: Friday the 13th, Metal Gear

PUSS N’ BOOTS | 1990

I’ve been trying to search my brain for any real nostalgic association with the character Puss N’ Boots from my childhood. Like I’m sure I knew about him (he’s a cat who wears shoes, that’s awesome!) but I honestly can’t remember his story or any other details really. If you’re a big younger that I am, you’ll probably remember him fondly from the Shrek movies. I have a young nephew and when he told me recently that his favorite show was The Adventures of Puss in Boots, I thought “shit, I really don’t want to sit through this.” However, I gotta say it’s pretty funny! It reminds me of the general irreverence of shows like Rocky and Bullwinkle or even Adventure Time. Definitely check it out, especially if you’ve got little dudes to entertain. The NES tale of ol’ Puss? Well it’s based on a Japanese cartoon I’ve never seen, but if the show is as bad as this game, that’s probably a good thing.

Puss N’ Boots was published by Electro Brain, makers of other “Huh, that’s a game?” titles like Ghoul School, Eliminator Boat Duel, and Stanley: The Search for Doctor Livingston (coming soon to a review near you!) If you’ve played any of those bad boys you know that Electro Brain puts out interesting but ultimately low production-level games, and Puss N’ Boots is no exception. There are a few positives, however. While the music isn’t anything too wild, there are at least plenty of unique 15 second long loops for each level (which is asking a lot in most NES titles). Also, each stage takes place in a different location and has some unique design elements: the Ocean stage has you piloting a submarine, the Space Wars stage has a plane, etc. And then…ummm…well…it’s a game!

The first thing you’ll notice here is…yeah this looks like shit. The art style is extremely basic, like “well meaning housewife illustrating her own children’s book” beginner’s level. Also, the sprites and backgrounds are all similar colors with no outlines so they just indistinguishably bleed into each other. The next thing you’ll notice is that the Pussmaster walks SOOOO SLOW, just taking his sweet ass time getting from one place to another. Just like a real cat! However, if you jump he goes 5x faster for some reason, but even stranger is that all the other bad guys also move at that accelerated speed. Weird. Puss N’ Boots is also incredibly easy. I can beat the whole game without dying in 15 minutes. AND I’VE NEVER PLAYED THIS GAME BEFORE IN MY LIFE. The main reason for the smooth sailing here is that seemingly the game can only handle one enemy on the screen at a time and they often don’t come anywhere near you. Not only that, but it must be having a tough time with loading issues because there are large swaths of each level where there’s no enemies at all. Just 5 uninterrupted seconds of Puss gleefully making his way to the right, looking for something to kill.

Puss N’ Boots has got all the hallmarks of bland game design, not bad per se just incredibly uninspired. The music is extremely simple and repetitive, the sprites and backgrounds are the most basic level of illustration, the animation is almost non existent, the same sound effects are used for everything so you can’t tell if you hit something or it you, in fact there’s no images or any indication at all that you were attacked other than your lifebar slowly decreasing. Also, even though each level does have different vehicles and whatnot, the gameplay experience is exactly the same: go to the right, shoot things (or don’t, most of them won’t pose any real threat.) Hmmm I guess you could say the exact same thing about Super Mario Bros, but I don’t need anymore page space to explain what all separates these two games other than “it ain’t no Mario”.

Similar Games: Kid Niki: Radical Ninja, Felix the Cat

OTHER LETTER P GAMES (CLASSICS)

Power Blade 1 & 2, Pro Wrestling, Popeye, Princess Tomato in the Salad Kingdom, Puzznic, P.O.W., Pirates!

OTHER LETTER P GAMES WORTH TRYING

Panic Restaurant, Paperboy 1 & 2, Prince of Persia, The Punisher

OTHER LETTER P GAMES WORTH AVOIDING

Umm…Predator? Honestly the Letter P might be the most solid in the entire NES library. Unless you hate Pinball that is!