Marriage and Mind Management
In this article we are going to discuss how to get our needs met in marriage, how to feel unconditional love for our spouse and allow him to have his own feelings, and how to solve problems from compassion instead of frustration. Four of my previous articles are also helpful for navigating a marital relationship (or any other kind): How to Deal with Criticism from Others, You Didn’t Cause Their Anger, Managing Your Mind around Annoying People, and Manuals: Beliefs about How Other People Should Behave.
One of the basic premises of mind management is that each person is responsible for their own feelings. Our emotions come from our thoughts, not the actions of others or anything else outside of us. When something happens, we have mental autonomy and can choose or control how we react. It doesn’t always feel like this is true, but it’s important to believe that it is because this will help us work toward emotional maturity.
A corollary to that concept is that we are responsible for meeting our own emotional needs. This is a different way of conceptualizing relationships, but it can be useful. If we rely on others to meet our needs, then we are at the mercy of the whims of their behavior. If they act how we want and expect them to, then we’re happy. If they don’t, we feel hurt.
It’s a natural human instinct to rely on others to meet our emotional needs, but we need to remember that it doesn’t have to be this way. If they fail, we are always there. We can always count on ourselves. Behind each of our “needs” is a feeling we’re trying to feel. Mind management teaches us how to create any emotion by purposefully choosing our thoughts.
HE DOESN’T NEED TO BE THE ONE
When we apply these ideas to marriage, we get a fresh perspective on how marriages could work. For example, many women complain that their husband doesn’t listen to them more or act more interested in them. When we ask what need is not being fulfilled here, we see it is the need for connection with another person.
We are led to believe that our spouse should be this person, but this is a story someone made up, and we all agreed to go along with it. It is not the only way or even the best way to get that need fulfilled.
If your spouse is not doing it “right,” you have two choices: be angry at him (which, by the way, decreases connection even more) or find a way to fulfill the need yourself. You can find connection to others by talking to a girlfriend, sister, or your mom. Your spouse doesn’t have to be the one. If he is unreliable in this area, it is in your best interest to find another outlet.
Ultimately, you are responsible for meeting your own needs. This is a different way to look at marriage, and maybe doesn’t seem romantic. We are used to thinking that two people come together to “complete each other.” But that can be a recipe for failure.
Think about it — he’s never going to meet all our needs, so how many is enough? When will we know that it’s good enough? Answer: We get to make it up. We get to decide that he is adequate, or even amazing. No matter what society or our friends or our mom tells you, the expectations of a spouse are completely made up and up for grabs.
We have ideas in our minds (often vague) about how he should do things, but if we let go of that and say, “Maybe I don’t know how a husband is supposed to act,” then we will free ourselves to love whoever he is and however he shows up.
Even though many people believe that a spouse should meet their emotional needs, this doesn’t make it true. He might not be capable of filling certain needs, or he might not want to for some reason. But he doesn’t need to. You can do it. Once you know the truth — that you can accept him however he is and that you are capable of meeting your own needs — you are set free. You are free to love him no matter what and free to find ways to meet your own needs.
He might not be capable of filling certain needs, or he might not want to for some reason. But he doesn’t need to. You can do it.
YOU CAN THINK ANYTHING YOU WANT ABOUT YOUR SPOUSE, AND YOUR THOUGHTS WILL CREATE YOUR FEELINGS
I’m going to tell you a secret: It only takes one person to have a great relationship. Our relationship with anyone is all in our brain. It is comprised solely of how we think about that person. Sometimes we experience a close connection to celebrities or a certain podcaster. We feel like they truly get us, even though we have never met them. This is an example of how the relationship is in our minds. Our real-life relationships seem like they have more to do with our interactions and the behaviors of the other person, but that is an illusion. Our feelings about them are built only by our thoughts.
This is great news. It means that we can have any kind of relationship we want. Of course, some situations take more mind management than we are willing to execute, and therefore we might not stay in the relationship. But if we decide to stay with someone, from there, we can choose how to perceive them and produce whatever emotions we want.
Naturally, the primary feeling we want in a marriage is love. If we stop expecting our spouse to fulfill our needs, we will find it is easier to love him for who he is. Regarding marriage, my life coach likes to say, “You meet your own needs, he meets his own needs, and you come together to have someone to love.” Experiencing love for someone feels amazing, and we want that in our lives as much as possible. We generate that emotion by what we think, not by what they do.
FULFILL YOUR NEEDS WITH YOUR THOUGHTS
As I mentioned, behind each one of our “needs” is a feeling we’re trying to feel. Let’s say a wife says to her husband, “I need you to compliment me on a regular basis.” What’s behind that need? She wants to feel appreciated, valued, and important.
She can create those emotions by thinking admiring thoughts about herself. She doesn’t need anyone else’s words or permission. Sometimes it seems like we need other people’s compliments to give us authorization to believe something nice about ourselves. But the other person is not necessary; we can simply think whatever we like about ourselves.
Additionally, even if this woman’s spouse says the words she desires, she will only feel those things if she chooses to believe him. Oftentimes we discount other people’s compliments and continue to feel lousy about ourselves.
Because our feelings come solely from our own beliefs, we are the only ones who can develop the emotions we desire. We will feel appreciated and valued when we think, “I sure did a lot today. Thanks, me, for working so hard.”
We experience a connection to our husband not because he listens to us, but because when he does, we naturally believe, “He cares a lot about me” or “He is such a good listener.”
If you feel resentful, it’s because you’re not valuing yourself enough. If you feel unappreciated, it’s because you’re not appreciating you. If you feel frustrated, it’s because you’re believing your brain’s misinformed ideas and you’re creating the frustration for yourself.
Knowing we construct connection, appreciation, resentment, frustration, and any other emotion is relieving. It’s great news because we don’t have to wait for anyone else or hope that they do the things we need them to do. We can rely on them if we want to and if that works for us, but we don’t have to. We can do it for ourselves. Those feelings are always available to us.
It’s great news because we don’t have to wait for anyone else or hope that they do the things we need them to do.
If you suppose you need something from your spouse to feel complete, you will always feel incomplete. But when you decide to provide what you need for yourself and make yourself whole, you bring a whole you to your marriage, he brings a whole him to the marriage, and you can enjoy feeling love for each other.
YOUR SPOUSE CREATES HIS OWN EMOTIONS, ALSO
Just as we are responsible for our own emotions, and therefore accountable for meeting our own emotional needs, this is true of our spouse as well. His emotions come from his thoughts. We try to perform certain actions to help him feel positive emotions, but it doesn’t always work.
Therefore, it is best to avoid doing things to make him happy. Trying to influence his emotions with your actions may or may not work, but it is likely to lead to frustration and resentment on your part. Do things that your spouse requests of you — if you want to — because that’s the kind of spouse you want to be, not to generate some feeling in him.
Sometimes we act how he would like us to, and he’s still grumpy. How can this be? It is because his feelings come from his viewpoints, not your actions. He might choose to be happy, but he may not.
When you understand this concept, you will have less investment in his emotional state. You will allow him to experience whatever he is feeling without assuming it’s wrong or making it mean anything about you. You will understand his humanity and have more compassion for him, knowing you don’t have to do anything about his negative emotion or fix it for him.
Similarly, his feelings toward you are about him and his beliefs and not about you. If he wants to love and care for you, that’s going to feel good for him, that’s going to be nice for him, but it has nothing to do with you. Your main concern should be your thoughts about him and your thoughts about yourself. Work to have confidence and love for yourself, and you will be less affected by his (and anyone else’s) whims and caprices.
ACCEPT REALITY AND ASK, “NOW WHAT?”
There was a woman who called in to be coached and told a story about how her husband wasn’t being honest with her. He told her he was going to a certain place, and then she would find out that he went somewhere else. She had discovered multiple times that what he said he was doing was not what he was really doing.
One thing the coach said was, “He is supposed to be doing that. How do we know?” The woman replied, “Because he is.” This is how we accept reality. Being angry that something is happening does not help anyone.
The coach also said, “Let’s assume he’s going to continue doing that, now what?” She encouraged the woman to look inward instead and notice her own thoughts instead of paying attention to her husband’s behavior.
Some people balk at this response. They might say, “You mean I’m supposed to believe that husbands should lie to their wives? We should just accept that?”
That response sounds logical at first glance, but let’s dive in deeper to the mind management situation with some questions.
Can we control people? No. People can and will do whatever they want.
Is it to our advantage to believe we can? No. That is arguing with reality.
Can people make mistakes? Can a husband make a mistake? Yes, and they will.
If we explored his side of the story, would we maybe have some compassion? Probably.
Is compassion a more useful emotion than anger? Who has the power in each case?
Should we be out of control of our emotions, and when particular things happen believe that we have to have that emotion?
Does compassion mean that we don’t stand up for ourselves or get out of situations that aren’t good for us? No. In fact we’re more likely to think clearly and problem solve skillfully from a useful emotion like compassion or curiosity.
This woman could choose to believe, “My husband is going through a hard time right now, I’m going to stick it out with him and figure it out.” Or she might choose to not stay with him and construct something else for herself. If she has learned to have her own back and feel confident and positive about herself, she will be more capable of going through with either of these choices.
Of course, we won’t have constant positive emotions during difficult times. But we don’t have to be overcome by negative ones, either. Our primitive brain tells us that anger and frustration are useful. It says that if we feel enough of those, we will show him and the world what a terrible thing he’s done. But those feelings only punish us, and we don’t act from our most competent self when experiencing them. It’s more advantageous to generate an emotion such as compassion and understanding. When we work from there, we can find the best possible solution for ourselves.
Our primitive brain tells us that anger and frustration are useful…But those feelings only punish us, and we don’t act from our most competent self when experiencing them.
Marriages can be tricky. Because we spend so much time with our romantic partner, we expect them to fulfill all our needs. Society reinforces this idea through media and advice columns. Releasing this concept can be freeing.
Mind management is about turning our attention inward to our thoughts and feelings and away from the outside world. This is important and helpful in any relationship, but particularly in marriage. Even though we want our spouse to do everything right so that we feel constant positive emotion, this is unrealistic. Eventually our spouse will mess up.
It’s helpful to learn where emotions really come from: our thoughts. When we know this, we can create connection, love, admiration, and anything else we want toward our spouse and toward ourselves. We fulfill our own needs, he fulfills his, and we come together to have someone to love. This is true romance.
Try this on: “Maybe I don’t know how a husband is supposed to act.”
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“Disappointment comes in the gap between expectation and reality.”
