How to Deal with Criticism from Others
Your sister says, “When are you going to stop acting so childish?”
Your colleague at work states, “You sure had a lot to say in that meeting. I try to let everyone have a chance to speak.”
Your spouse jokes, “You’re such a bad driver!”
Most of us tend to be hurt by these types of criticism. We take offense and question our words and actions, and even our self-worth. Why does the disapproval of others upset us so much? That is the topic we’re going to explore today.
The first reason we’re so bothered by these types of comments has to do with our primitive brain. Evolutionary psychology teaches us that for millions of years, survival for humans meant staying with the tribe. Without their group of people, these proto-humans couldn’t hunt as efficiently, were more vulnerable to attacks by animals or other humans, couldn’t build shelters and gather food as easily.
These facts about living hard-wired our minds to behaviors and beliefs that ensured that we stayed with the tribe. We don’t want to be different; we don’t want to be wrong; we don’t want to be noticed in a negative way — these fears were essential to our survival.
But in modern times, these fears are not useful. We still want to associate with people and enjoy everything from weak ties to close loved ones, but our safety and survival is not at risk. Having others censure of us is not dangerous now like it was back then. Therefore, we need to see these signals from the brain for what they are: anxieties leftover from previous times that don’t need to receive a lot of our attention.
Having others censure of us is not dangerous now like it was back then.
As I explained in the article about the mind’s motivational triad, when we recognize that the brain is sending up misguided advice, we can thank our mind for trying to help us, but gently remind it that the worry is unnecessary. We aren’t in any danger.
The next step in uncovering the power of criticism is to remember where our feelings come from. If we are hurt when someone says something, it’s not because of what they said; it is because of what we are thinking. The words and actions of others go in the circumstance line of the Model, and circumstances have no bearing on our emotions — those are created by our thoughts.
This is great news because we don’t always have control over our circumstances. Sometimes we can change them, but sometimes we can’t. However, we always have control over our thoughts and feelings.
Knowing that we generate all our emotions with our thinking is what some call emotional adulthood. When we operate from the opposite, emotional childhood, we blame others for our feelings and feel like life events are manipulating us. But we are not passive players in the world, waiting for things to happen so we can have what we want and feel how we want. We are in control–of our thoughts, our feelings, our results, and our life. Being emotionally mature means taking responsibility for our own feelings while also knowing that because we are human, we will always generate some amount of negative emotion.
For example, Vicky called in to be coached about her brother-in-law. She said that when she and her husband host family gatherings, he always criticizes her cooking. He does it in a joking way, but she felt that he truly didn’t like the food she cooked. She felt anxious and irritated in the time leading up to family parties at their house. She worried about what he might say and then she became angry that she had to even contemplate this.
The first thing the life coach pointed out was that Vicky’s brother-in-law’s words were not creating her anxiety, irritation, or anger. She was creating that with her own thoughts. The coach said, “When you have a family gathering, who do you want to be in charge of your feelings? Your brother-in-law? Do you want to give him the remote control that turns on your anger or irritation?” Pointing this out made it clear to Vicky how silly it is to forget that she has power and ownership over her feelings. The emotions seem to come quickly, but if we slow things down, we can recognize what thoughts created them.
So what do we think to create the hurt we feel when someone criticizes us? It is usually one or both of these:
1. Maybe they’re right…
2. They shouldn’t be saying that.
One reason we feel hurt when someone judges us is because we believe they might be right. Other people’s words only cause us pain if we believe them a little bit (or a lot). For example, if someone came to me and said, “You are so unorganized!” I would not be bothered at all. I would be pretty sure that person was confused and maybe mistook me for someone else.
Other people’s words only cause us pain if we believe them a little bit.
But, if they said, “You need to relax. Don’t you know how to have fun?” I might be hurt. I have a painful story about myself that I’m too uptight and not “fun” enough. If I believe what they say about me a little bit, then I feel hurt. I agree with them in my head and think something like, “They’re right. I should be more relaxed. Why am I such a stick-in-the-mud?”
We often say, “she hurt my feelings,” but now we know that’s not true. We hurt our own feelings by agreeing with whatever she said and judging ourselves. If we were 100% confident and loved ourselves wholly, would someone else’s comments bother us? No. If we truly understand our value, we will not have any problems with anyone else.
Now, granted, understanding our value is our life’s work and will not be accomplished quickly. But simply understanding that our hurt comes from our own judgement of ourselves can help us calm down about other people’s criticism. Awareness is the first step. Recognize that we create our negative emotion, and that this is what humans do instinctively. It’s totally fine — we know how to process the emotion. Our brain thinks negative emotion is dangerous, and so it sends up warning signals when we experience it. But we can remind ourselves that it’s not dangerous.
One woman called in to be coached saying that she was hurt because her siblings didn’t seem to care as much about getting together as she did. They didn’t call her very often, and she felt she was always the one reaching out. She wanted them to come to her house for vacation, but they didn’t seem to want to.
The coach asked her, “What do you make it mean when they don’t call you?” Together they realized that she made it mean that they don’t care about her or that she’s not good enough in some way. (This is what we mean by awareness of our own thoughts — here’s a neutral circumstance and her beliefs are making it mean a bunch of stuff. When you can separate circumstances from thoughts, you gain awareness of the story you have created).
The coach reminded the woman that her siblings’ actions tell us a lot about them (they’re too busy, overwhelmed, etc.) and not so much about her. Keeping that in mind kind of separates the behavior from her and insulates her. The coach also pointed out that if the woman’s siblings did call her, she might make that mean that she is valuable or doing things right, which is also not true/just a story.
The coach said, “You may not be for everyone, but that doesn’t make you any less valuable. Some people might not see or understand your value and that’s okay. You feel like that’s a bummer for you, but really, it’s a bummer for them, because they don’t get to feel the love and appreciation for you. It means nothing about you.”
The second general thought we might have when someone criticizes us is “They shouldn’t be doing that.” In this situation, we recognize their judgement of us, and then we judge them right back.
We all have ideas about how people should act. In coaching we call it having a manual. One item in most of our manuals is “People shouldn’t point out my weaknesses — that’s not nice.” When others don’t follow our rules, we create hurt and irritated feelings for ourselves.
The truth is they should be doing that (criticizing us) because they are. Thinking they shouldn’t is arguing with reality, and as Byron Katie said, “When you fight with reality, you lose…but only every time.” We can generate peace for ourselves by understanding that people can think and say whatever they want to, and we can respond in a variety of ways (not only the one way our default brain tells us to).
Instead of disparaging those who criticize us, we can think, “It’s okay for that person to be wrong about me.” Isn’t that concept such a relief? Our mind thinks it’s quite dangerous and harmful for someone to think things about us, but in truth, it’s not hazardous at all! We don’t even have to think about it. They are wrong about us, and that’s okay.
We could also think, “That person might be right. I may have that weakness, and I love me anyway.” True confidence isn’t believing that we are perfect. It’s knowing we’re not and loving ourselves anyway. We might say, “Yeah, I am selfish sometimes, but I’m also awesome. I love all the parts of me.” We don’t have to make someone else’s words mean anything about us. We might want to take a look at that weakness and try to improve it, and we might not. It’s okay to have shortcomings.
True confidence isn’t believing that we are perfect. It’s knowing we’re not and loving ourselves anyway.
Here is one last belief to adopt when others criticize you: “Other people don’t have to like me; that’s my job.” It’s truly not dangerous if others don’t like us. The less we worry about others liking us, the more likable we’ll be!
When you feel hurt or annoyed and you think it’s coming from something someone else said, turn your attention to your own thoughts (which are the true creator of your feelings). Realize that you must be thinking either “They might be right,” or “They shouldn’t be doing that,” or both. When you examine your beliefs, don’t do it with judgement or frustration, but with curiosity. Be fascinated by how your brain works and the misinformed notions it comes up with. Work to gain more awareness of your thoughts, emotions, and actions (rather than focusing on someone else’s), and you will be empowered to create whatever you want to in your life.
Here is a summary of ideas that can help you override the “Danger!” signals from your primitive brain when someone criticizes you.
*Who do you want to be in charge of your feelings? The person who criticized you? If not, remind yourself that your thoughts create your emotions, and you can choose different thoughts if you want to.
*Whatever someone says or does tells us a lot about that person but nothing about ourselves. Don’t make their actions mean anything about you or your value.
*Some people might not see or understand your value and that’s okay. You feel like that’s a bummer for you but really, it’s a bummer for them, because they don’t get to feel the love and appreciation for you.
*People can and will do whatever they want. I don’t need to notice their actions as much as my mind tells me I need to.
*It’s not dangerous if others don’t like me.
*I may have that weakness, but I love me anyway.
*It’s okay for people to be wrong about me.
*Others don’t have to like me, that’s my job!
Try this on: “I may not be for everyone, but that doesn’t make me any less valuable.”
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“Disappointment comes in the gap between expectation and reality.”
