How I Dodged a Dating Scam and Stayed Grounded in the Process
The Scammer Who Met His Match
My first dating scam experience was surprisingly entertaining. I laughed my ass off after it all ended — mainly because I caught him before he could scam me.
After meeting a few guys locally through dating apps, I decided to cast a wider net. Soon, I matched with a handsome guy from San Diego, over 1,000 miles away. On our first call, I politely made it clear that I was rooted in my current city due to job and child custody reasons and had no plans to relocate. He told me his wife had died in a car accident four years ago and that he and his 12-year-old son had been talking about moving for a fresh start. He said he would be open to moving to Texas if we got serious. From this first call, there were no red flags — he didn’t sound desperate; in fact, he seemed very sincere. His profile said he was an architect, and he mentioned attending reputable schools.
…
2024 was my first year of dating, and let me tell you — it was a whole new world. After 15 years of marriage and not much experience with dating, the learning curve was steep.
Over the year, I met 12 different guys for coffee. Not too shabby for a newbie, right? Each one seemed interested in meeting again, but I only agreed to a second date with two of them. Both relationships fizzled out after just a few weeks, and I ended things with both. During those weeks, we talked on the phone regularly, and it didn’t take long for me to start noticing certain patterns in how I was behaving.
My Anxiety and Trust Issues
It’s tempting to blame lack of chemistry or compatibility for why I didn’t want to continue some of my relationships. But if I’m being real with myself, the true culprit was my anxiety. Whenever I learned that a guy was successful in his job or business, my anxiety would spike. I know, it sounds odd — especially since I’m an engineer with a full-time job and want a partner who’s at least financially on the same level. But here’s the twist: I couldn’t shake the fear that they might be workaholics, like my ex. If they held leadership roles or had demanding careers, I’d immediately assume their work would make them “emotionally unavailable,” even before I had any real proof.
And then there was the trust issue. I struggled to trust what my dates told me about themselves. Those trust issues were rooted in my marriage, and instead of taking the time to see if my instincts were accurate or giving them a fair chance, I’d pull away.
One thing I did right in spite of my anxiety was — I always made sure to explain myself — I never ghosted anyone. After all, I like to think I’m a good person, and ghosting just doesn’t sit well with me.
The Therapist’s Advice
When I discussed my anxiety and trust issues with my therapist, it became clear that my feelings were deeply connected to the neglect I had experienced in my marriage. I hadn’t fully grasped what it meant to love and trust myself. So, my anxiety would flare up at the slightest trigger from the past.
Get Noor’s stories in your inbox
Join Medium for free to get updates from this writer.
The therapist suggested that instead of judging others based on my fears, I should sit with my discomfort. Even if I couldn’t trust the guy, I needed to trust myself enough to know that I’d be okay, even if things didn’t work out. Essentially, she encouraged me to give my dates more time and not let my anxiety lead the way.
I decided to take this advice when I matched with the handsome guy from San Diego. After he told me about his career and schools, I did what I usually do — I looked him up online. But I couldn’t find anything about him on social media, especially LinkedIn -a common platform for professionals. He told me he has an independent practice and deleted his social media accounts after his wife’s accident. While this didn’t make much sense to me, I decided to follow my therapist’s advice and not jump to conclusions. After all, he said he had just started dating again only a couple of weeks ago.
We connected well on our first calls. His voice had a calmness that I found attractive. When I mentioned I was going out for dinner with friends, he asked me to message him when I got home safely. I understood this must have been an anxiety trigger for him due to his wife’s accident. Over the following calls, he spoke fondly of his late wife and their plans for a second child. He expressed guilt about face-timing her when the accident happened and how therapy had helped him cope with that guilt. But when I suggested a video call, he said he wasn’t ready because it scared him, even if we were both in the safety of our homes. This was a red flag for me. The old me would have either dug in to find the truth or politely backed off, but I reminded myself to give it more time. Maybe I was judging him too harshly. Instead, I chose to be empathetic.
We continued talking on the phone almost every day after work. We shared a love for the outdoors and giddily discussed potential national park adventures. He was excited about celebrating his son’s upcoming 12th birthday and told me about a secret gift he had planned. He was easy to like. He also mentioned he was working on the biggest project of his life and would soon be traveling to Cambodia. When I asked him about his work, some of the details didn’t make sense to me. As an engineer, I expected his work in architecture to be easy to understand, but when I inquired about design tools that are commonly used in both fields, his answers were vague and unclear. Yet again I reminded myself that I didn’t have to be overly investigative, even though he had mentioned that I was sometimes too much so.
Without mentioning any financial details, this handsome guy from San Diago had casually mentioned being financially well-off through remarks about his car, house in the suburbs and past travels to fancy destinations. I reciprocated by letting him know that i was financially independent
Though things were rosy between us, I felt a growing sense of unease. I had not dated anyone longdistance before and his hesitation to not meet on video bothered me. I couldn’t tell if it was my anxiety again. One day, I shared my dilemma with a dear friend -D over coffee.
A Friend to the Rescue
D works in real estate and has access to background checks. I shared the guy’s full name and number. She couldn’t find anything based on his phone number. However, she did find a complaint with his exact name on the Better Business Bureau (BBB) website. A woman had warned about a man who showered her with attention for two weeks, then pretended to be calling from Cambodia in the middle of the night asking for emergency funds. He even asked her to hold onto the money just in case his friends or family could send him some. While she had fallen for the scam, her money was eventually returned, and she wanted to warn others.
His name and the mention of Cambodia in the BBB post were enough to raise serious suspicion. Although I didn’t need more confirmation, I decided to play it cool when he called me that evening. We went through our usual sweet talk — sharing about our days, him telling me how much he looked forward to our daily talks, and mentioning that he wanted to meet me soon after his trip to Cambodia. I then asked if he would consider sending me a picture of his driver’s license. I explained that while I trusted him, my “cop friend who works in cybercrime” (yup my made up friend) had suggested I do this check on all my dates, especially if I couldn’t verify them online and since he wasn’t ready for a video call.
I knew he wouldn’t share any of this, but I wanted to test him. As expected, all the sweet talk immediately faded. He became annoyed and tried to gaslight me about being paranoid. That was enough for me — I hung up, blocked his number (which turned out to be a burner), and reported him on the dating app.
A Close Call, But I Was Ready
I managed to catch him before he could scam me. In the end, I didn’t lose anything — if anything, those few weeks of talking to him gave me valuable practice in trusting myself. While he tried to charm me, I stayed grounded and didn’t fall into my old habit of getting emotionally attached too quickly. I enjoyed what was growing between us, but I kept my eyes open for red flags. I didn’t let them lead the way, but I didn’t brush them off either.
I couldn’t help but laugh at how frustrated he must have been, wasting so much time and energy trying to charm me, only to lose the “bait” he thought he had reeled in.
When I first started dating, well-meaning friends cautioned me about scammers and “f***boys.” But I wanted to approach this new journey with optimism. I believe that if I go into it with good intentions, I will only meet the right people. Maybe I was being idealistic, but I tell myself it’s not worth getting frustrated. It’s just another experience, and the right destination will come in its own time. For now, my focus is on enjoying the journey.
